It’s Saturday night, and you and your loved one are having dinner
in an upscale local restaurant. The steak is cooked to perfection, the salad
crisp and well chilled, the conversation pleasant. You take a bite of tender
succulent beef, and begin to quietly chew all the while thinking to yourself
the night could not be more perfect. Suddenly, at the table next to you, a young
child begins to act out. You hear the parents say “no” several times, and then
the volume of the outburst begins to increase. It is at this point you realize
the child is in the beginning of a full blown tantrum. Your stomach begins to
sink, as the parents attempt to calm the child, because the harder they try the
louder the child yells. The next thing you know, you hear the sound of skin
hitting skin, as the parents begin yelling at the child to “Stop it!” It is at
this point you find yourself loosing your appetite and wondering what is wrong
with the child, the parents, or both?
Throughout the ordeal
you find yourself vacillating between wondering how the parents could both hit
and yell at there child in public, why they would dare to bring an ill behaved
child to a restaurant, and why they haven’t taken the child out to the car. As the child continues to kick, bite, yell,
and scream you realize the horrific spectacle playing out next to you is far
more than the anger of a petulant child; frustrated and dismayed, you begin accept
that date night is well and truly over and that you may have witnessed inappropriate
discipline of a minor ( CA law states corporal punishment is only legal when it
is involves an open hand on a child’s bottom and does not leave a mark.)
We've all been there, and witnessing such a display it is
never pleasant. The important thing to remember is
In replaying the above scenario, what was truly witnessed
between the parents and the child? You
observed the child “acting out”, the parents saying “no”, the child not accepting
the answer, the parents hitting the child while yelling “stop it”, and the
child escalating to full tantrum with kicking, biting, and screaming. When
reviewing the incident, it becomes clear the child has learned to “turn up the
heat” to get needs met and as such is unable to accept limits due to negative
reinforcement of needs only met when escalated. Therefore, the child
demonstrates resilience in learning how to get daily needs met. Although
unpleasant to experience, the child’s naughty behavior is clearly a necessary
survival skill.
However, the parents’ behavior demonstrates a lack stress
management, displaced anger, inappropriate corporal discipline, a lack of emotional
intelligence, and poor parenting skills. How then could the situation have been
handled to generate a positive outcome? The National
Parenting Education Network recommends the following steps as a more
appropriate response to a child’s defiance, tantrums, angry outbursts, or
disruptive behavior when at home or in public:
1. State the rule
(Ex. in our family we don’t hit each other).
- 2. Time-out when a child chooses not to follow a rule. (One minute per year of age).
- 3. Use positive reinforcement when a child follows a rule.
- 4. Apply consequences in a consistent way (to make it easier use a prompt paired with a count of 3, and then move on with a time out when a child is not following a stated rule). A child eventually will expect to have negative consequences for negative behaviors. As parents, striving to teach good habits and values is a must.
- 5. Whenever parent can, he/she should celebrate positive behaviors to encourage and support desired changes (very important).
- 6. Make a plan with your child to celebrate when progress, so the child has something positive to look forward.
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