Cut Your Stress Today: Anger & Stress Management Tips For Busy People

With today's hectic schedule managing stress is an even more important key to successful anger management. Statistically, how we conceptualize the various demands in our lives and the emotional value we place on each of these many stresses makes all the difference in our ability to successfully juggle the often overwhelming demands of modern life, which broadly translates into how well we manage our anger. When we pair this combination with the very human tendency to protect our feelings by not talking about how we feel it equals a recipe for stressed out and angry people. Critically, the following example illustrates the connection between internalized thoughts and feelings and the enormous difference sharing our emotional burdens (internalized thoughts and feelings) with friends, family, or professional providers can make in the successful management of anger and stress. " A young lady confidently walks around a room while explaining anger and stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone in the room thought she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?' She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Many answers were called out ranging from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Metaphorical Tips to Help Successfully Manage Anger and Stress: 1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue! 2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them. 3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. 5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 8 * Never buy a car you can't push. 9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. 13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 15 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 16 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 17 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 18 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY 19 * Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate! References: "Out of The Rough" by Fred Arnold

Good Self Care Reduces Anger

Good Self Care Reduces Angry Outbursts Self-care is a critical part of overall good health, but it is also a key component in managing our emotions. When self-care is neglected, one of the first warning signs is increased irritability and anger towards family and friends. In fact, successfully managing angry outbursts often depends on how well we manage our day to day responsibilities. Good self-care means good stress/anger management. Consequently, balance in all areas of day to day life is often the key. Below is a self-care plan template published by Social Tech.Com. Notice the three areas of focus are the mind, body, and spirit. These represent the three domains of life (work/home/relationships). To achieve a healthy balance, equal attention and nurturing must be given to all three areas. Too much stress, or too much time devoted to any one area can cause increased stress and lead to anger, irritability and outbursts. For more information regarding anger management, stress management, and self-care please feel free to visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call 1-888-992-6479.

Is It Normal To Feel Angry?

Is anger normal? Absolutely! Everyone feels angry. It’s what we do with the feeling of anger that matters. Per George Anderson, LCSW, anger is a normal human emotion. In fact, anger is one of the first indications that a person may feel emotionally injured. It is important to note that anger is a secondary emotion that exists to protect people from feeling the more vulnerable emotions such as hurt, loss, grief, fear, offended, attacked, frightened, lonely or sad. This is not an uncommon response, often initiated by our psyche during times of stress in response to the more sensitive feelings.

Aside from emotional protection, anger can instill motivation and energy that often produce positive outcomes. Some examples of the positive uses of anger were observed during Martin Luther King’s struggles to end discrimination in America, and Nelson Mandela whose struggle against South Africa mobilized most of the world against his adversaries, and Rosa Parks whose anger was the source of the Montgomery Bus Boycott. Another example of a positive outcome as a result of anger is that of Mahatma Gandhi, whose anger and resulting passive resistance stance against England occurred in direct response to Britain’s domination of India.
However, anger also has very negative connotations, and when out of control is often associated with unhealthy and abusive aspects of the human condition. Anger maybe considered a problem when it is too intense, occurs too frequently, is harmful to self or others, lasts too long or leads to aggression. Unfortunately, as the economy continues to struggle and the cost of living remains sky high; incidents of unhealthy anger and aggression have increased ten fold worldwide. This increase is visible across all sectors of our society including government, politics, professional sports, business, education, and medicine.
If you or someone you love is experiencing unhealthy levels of anger or aggression, their emotional intelligence may no longer be effectively managed at the individual or family level, and may require voluntary and mandated training in stress management, anger management, communication and impulse control.

For more information about managing stressful emotions, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479. 

Seven Tips to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence & Reduce Angry Outbursts

• Master the use of assertive communication: Substitute “I messages” in place of “You messages”, i.e., “I feel angry” as opposed to “You make me so mad.”  Stop blaming your partner.  You are responsible for your feelings. Own them!

• Practice active listening: Quite simply put, stop talking, stop reacting, and listen! Instead, ask yourself, what is my partner really saying? What is the underlying need that is clearly not being met, and most likely the root of the concern? How can I support my partner to meet the need?

• Learn to use empathy to connect emotionally with others: Demonstrate awareness and concern for the needs, wants, and desires of loved ones. Instead of focusing only on yourself, consider how friends and family might be feeling.

• Commit to self-control at all times:  Self regulation! Take ownership of your role in the relationship. Own your own actions, choices, and behaviors. Following any emotional situation, ask yourself what went well, and what can I do differently the next time?

• Practice monitoring your feelings frequently during the day: Check in with yourself. How do I feel? Am I tense? Do I have knots in my stomach? Are my fists clenched? Am I grinding my teeth? Are my shoulders tight? Do I feel hot? If you answer yes to any of the above, take a ten minute time out and do some slow deep breathing, count backwards from ten, or run your hands under cold water while slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.

• Learn to sense the feelings and needs of others: Pay attention to your friends, family, and loved ones. Do they appear upset? Sad? Hurt? Are there needs being met? Life is never one sided. Everyone has needs, and when needs are not met they become resentments that turn to anger that may be expressed inappropriately or drive a wedge between you and your loved one.

• Learn to lead by example: Demonstrate the behaviors, communication style, and way of being in the world you want to see more of from your friends, family, and loved ones. We cannot expect anyone to interact differently than we ourselves are displaying on a daily basis. Become the change you want to see!

Naughty Kid or Necessary Skill?

It’s Saturday night, and you and your loved one are having dinner in an upscale local restaurant. The steak is cooked to perfection, the salad crisp and well chilled, the conversation pleasant. You take a bite of tender succulent beef, and begin to quietly chew all the while thinking to yourself the night could not be more perfect. Suddenly, at the table next to you, a young child begins to act out. You hear the parents say “no” several times, and then the volume of the outburst begins to increase. It is at this point you realize the child is in the beginning of a full blown tantrum. Your stomach begins to sink, as the parents attempt to calm the child, because the harder they try the louder the child yells. The next thing you know, you hear the sound of skin hitting skin, as the parents begin yelling at the child to “Stop it!” It is at this point you find yourself loosing your appetite and wondering what is wrong with the child, the parents, or both?

 Throughout the ordeal you find yourself vacillating between wondering how the parents could both hit and yell at there child in public, why they would dare to bring an ill behaved child to a restaurant, and why they haven’t taken the child out to the car.  As the child continues to kick, bite, yell, and scream you realize the horrific spectacle playing out next to you is far more than the anger of a petulant child; frustrated and dismayed, you begin accept that date night is well and truly over and that you may have witnessed inappropriate discipline of a minor ( CA law states corporal punishment is only legal when it is involves an open hand on a child’s bottom and does not leave a mark.) 

We've all been there, and witnessing such a display it is never pleasant. The important thing to remember is

the child in this scenario deserves compassion, not scorn. Keep in mind, the inappropriate behavior is not the child’s fault. All behavior is learned through a combination of repetition and reinforcement. The question then becomes, where did they learn to use such extreme and inappropriate behavior to get their needs met, and why was it necessary?   

In replaying the above scenario, what was truly witnessed between the parents and the child?  You observed the child “acting out”, the parents saying “no”, the child not accepting the answer, the parents hitting the child while yelling “stop it”, and the child escalating to full tantrum with kicking, biting, and screaming. When reviewing the incident, it becomes clear the child has learned to “turn up the heat” to get needs met and as such is unable to accept limits due to negative reinforcement of needs only met when escalated. Therefore, the child demonstrates resilience in learning how to get daily needs met. Although unpleasant to experience, the child’s naughty behavior is clearly a necessary survival skill.

However, the parents’ behavior demonstrates a lack stress management, displaced anger, inappropriate corporal discipline, a lack of emotional intelligence, and poor parenting skills. How then could the situation have been handled to generate a positive outcome? The National Parenting Education Network recommends the following steps as a more appropriate response to a child’s defiance, tantrums, angry outbursts, or disruptive behavior when at home or in public:

     1.  State the rule (Ex. in our family we don’t hit each other).

1. 2. Time-out when a child chooses not to follow a rule. (One minute per year of age).
2. 3. Use positive reinforcement when a child follows a rule.
3. 4. Apply consequences in a consistent way (to make it easier use a prompt paired with a count of 3, and then move on with a time out when a child is not following a stated rule). A child eventually will expect to have negative consequences for negative behaviors. As parents, striving to teach good habits and values is a must.
4. 5. Whenever parent can, he/she should celebrate positive behaviors to encourage and support desired changes (very important).
5. 6. Make a plan with your child to celebrate when progress, so the child has something positive to look forward.

F

Dumping My Bucket of Emotions Without An Angry Outburst!

For many people anger and disruptive behavior are the result of internalized tension and resentment. In short, anger represents mental and emotional fill points or bucket of emotion, that have hit there limit and literally burst. So what is an emotional “fill point” and how does it affect us? An emotional “fill point” is an imaginary line used to represent how much stress and anger a person can accumulate before these negative emotions start to “spill” out in an angry outburst.

Some people have a low fill line, while others have a high one. Children, on the other hand,  tend to have much lower fill lines than adults, and as such care must be taken when interacting and setting and example for them. When a child reaches their fill line, they tend to let all their negative emotions spill out onto others in un- healthy ways. Disruptive behavior, acting out, anger, irritability, and bullying are the most common unhealthy ways that a child uses to try and relieve stress by playing out emotions that they may not be able to verbally express. This is not only devastating for the child, but also for the unintended victim of the angry lashing out, be it family, a friend, classmates etc. The most important thing to remember is that a child, unlike and adult, does not know their fill line; and as such,  is unable to actively choose to reduce their stress and negative emotions before they spill over onto others. 

When a child’s emotional bucket is full, it is up to the caregivers in their lives to help them learn and begin to use healthy appropriate alternatives to angry out bursts or they disruptive behaviors. Some effective tools to help children cope with tension and stress dump are engaging activities including sports, Boys & Girls Club, summer camp, etc, redirection such as color grounding (have them choose a color in a room, then prompt them to point out how many places they see the color), creating a coping box filled with manipulatives, guided activities, music, slow deep breathing, taking space, etc. Adults, on the other hand, are able to dump their emotional buckets and make healthy choices to reduce their tension and anger without prompting; however, the same principles apply. Appropriate ways for adults to reduce their emotional fill lines include going to the gym, enrolling in Yoga, slow deep breathing, talking with a friend, guided imagery, etc.

Whether a child or an adult, healthy coping may take some practice, but recognizing and appropriately relieving the anger, stress, and tension built up in an emotional bucket will ultimately lead to a happier, calmer life.

For more information about healthy alternatives to managing anger, please visit www.nvamc.com, or call  1-888-992-6479 for a free consultation.

Explosive Rage In Teenage Boys At Alarming Rate

Explosive Rage In Teenage Boys At Alarming Rate

In an alarmingly upward trend, teenage boys are increasingly acting out in horrific acts of violent and explosive rage. Per The Guardian, one such tragic event occurred on 24 May 2013, at which time a 15 year old boy allegedly killed his adopted brothers (http://guardianlv.com/2013/05/west-point-utah-15-year-old-boy-allegedly-kills-adopted-brothers-10-and-4/), in a small town, in West Point, Utah.  Similarly, per The LA Times, in January 2013, a 15 year old boy in New Mexico confessed to having killed his mother, father, and three small siblings (http://articl es.latimes.com/2013/jan/21/nation/la-na-nn-albuquerque-griego-shooting-20130121). Regrettably, these are not isolated incidents. In direct response to this growing trend in teen violence, enlightened parents are seeking anger management education classes for their sons. Further, as part of a proactive trend toward emotional intelligence training, anger management classes are replacing punishment for teenage boys whose aggressive anger is alarming both their parents and school personnel. The ongoing negative economic trend has impacted the mood and stress levels of adults, children, and adolescents nationwide. Anger, stress, and aggressive behavior are some of the consequences associated with dramatic changes in socio-economic status. To punish an angry teen often leads to further negative alterations in his or her behavior. In contrast, anger management classes, which are focused on increasing an individual’s emotional intelligence by teaching skills in self-awareness, self-control, social awareness and relationships, are more likely to result in skill enhancement in the pivotal areas mentioned above. In fact, due to the fragile ego of teens, psychotherapy is often viewed as extremely threatening and as such generally produces poorer outcomes. Therefore, emotional intelligence for skill enhancement, in managing anger and stress, delivered in a group setting, is a far more popular intervention with teenage boys and is more likely to produce positive outcomes.

For further information regarding anger management education for teenage boys displaying disruptive, or anti-social behavior, please visit our website at www.nvamc.mobi or call 1-888-992-6479. 

Anger & Fatigue: A Potential Recipe for Disaster!

Fatigue is symptom of modern life; all of us feel it, some more than others. However, as common place as it is these days, have you ever found yourself wondering just what is this exhausted feeling all about? The Webster’s dictionary (www.webster.com) defines fatigue as "Extreme tiredness, typically resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness." There are many causes for it, work, family, money etc. In fact, per a recent article in Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) it is during these times of extreme fatigue that we are much more likely to let our emotional mind rule us. Consequently, as a result of fatigue, we become too tired and too run down to really think before we act/speak, or care about the damage our angry behavior might cause in the future.

Ironically, as difficult as it may be, it is during these moments of extreme fatigue that we must be most vigilant about thinking our actions through and controlling our emotions. In short, the anger and resentment underlying our fatigue is not a product of a rationale mind, but is instead a purely emotional response to stress resulting from extreme fatigue. As hard as it is to endure, many of the hardships we face today, such as college and paying a mortgage, will make our future a little easier. Emotional

control of our anger response during periods of fatigue may be hard to obtain at first, but conscious effort will soon come as naturally as breathing. With time, patience, and awareness we all can be successful in controlling out anger and redirecting it in positive ways even during periods of extreme fatigue. Although taxing and often overwhelming, don't give up the struggle to succeed in these modern times; ultimately, it will be worth it!

Understanding The Connection Between Emotional Intelligence & Anger

UnderstandingThe Connection Between Emotional Intelligence & Anger

Emotional intelligence is a relatively new concept which holds considerable promise in teaching us the skills to relate to each other which leads to positive outcomes in many areas of human interaction. Currently it is the newest rage in Human Resource and Organizational Development consultation and training. 

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the capacity to create positive outcomes in relationship to others and ourselves. It is the practice of being aware, understanding, appropriately expressing and handling emotional states in ourselves and others. Emotional intelligence is an important skill to acquire because of its usefulness in leadership, sales, marriage and interpersonal relationships at work, school and families. It is a skill which can be developed and/or enhanced at any point in our lives.  

Because EQ is essential in developing relational skills it is one of the first concepts to be taught in mainstream anger intervention programs, and is a core concept of which anger management tools are built upon. Additional components in anger education include stress management, communication and anger management. All of these four key concepts are woven throughout the intervention process, and are introduced via direct instruction, group exercises, videos and CDs. Consequently, this helps to teach participants not only how to regulate their anger, but also how to manage stress and improve communication while simultaneously enhancing their emotional intelligence.

Often times individuals initially enroll in anger management class as a result of a referral from court, Human Resources, Employee Assistance Programs, or spouse. However, once in the class, he or she will quickly recognizes the value of using these skills in all other aspects of his or her daily functioning. EQ is by far the most popular of the four modules mentioned above. EQ is closely related to empathy, sensitivity to others, compassion and self awareness. It is what distinguishes persons who make you feel comfortable, optimistic, laugh and feel good about yourself from those who you avoid because their negativism is contagious and tends to cause you to feel gloom and discomfort.

Currently, in the United States, Canada , England and Bermuda, the largest number of non court related referrals to anger management programs are from businesses, and governmental agencies, including Hospitals. These organizations recognize the effect of relational challenges on the bottom line i.e., productivity, profit, and good morale. Understanding the powerful role of emotions in the workplace sets the best leaders apart from the rest not just in tangibles, such as better results and the retention of talent, but also in the all-important intangibles, such as higher morale, motivation, and commitment.

In fact, just as laughter offers a ready barometer of EQ at work so to does rampant anger, fear, apathy, or even sullen silence signals the opposite.  In a recent informal survey of more that a thousand U.S. workers, over 40 percent reported incidences of yelling and other kinds of verbal abuse in their workplaces, and approximately 32 percent admitted to having yelled at a co-worker themselves. Such disturbing encounters wreak havoc emotionally, as demonstrated via negative physiological responses such as increased stress levels, more frequent accidents, etc. Verbal attacks send the painful emotional messages of disgust, or contempt, thus emotionally hijacking the person targeted, particularly when the attack is a spouse or boss, whose opinions carry much weight.

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Surviving & Thriving With An Angry Teen

Have you ever found yourself wondering why today’s teenagers are so angry? Relatively speaking, most people have a certain degree of near constant anger. This is usually caused by underlying fears, frustrations, and anxiety concerning work or financial issues. Another often significant factor contributing to anger and frustration may be present if we struggle in our relationships with other people. However, if you add the mix of volatile hormone levels, testing your place in society and being stuck in that awkward half child/ half adult stage, it is no wonder that teens end up being known for wicked tempers and out of the blue mood swings. Needless to say, dealing with them is confusing and exhaustive at the best of times, even for other teens. So what are some of the triggers that may be pushing teenagers beyond their ability to safely deal with their emotions? Many teens report feeling overwhelmed just trying to cope with school and chores, in addition to friends and family. However, when you consider that when many also hold part time jobs, which leaves very little time for the things they enjoy, we start to see a pattern. Overscheduling is a common thread in the fast moving lives of today’s angry teen. In fact, being overscheduled often leads teenagers to lash out more frequently, inappropriately dumping their anger and excess emotions onto people they think of as safe. It is important to realize that this is not a healthy way to deal with anger; it is unfair to both the teen and the person, or people, being used to release their anger on. So what can be done to help teens find a healthy way to deal with anger? Downsizing their daily schedule is always a good start. In addition, studies show that the same anger management techniques that adults use work equally well with teens. As with any behavior, change takes time to start producing positive results. Consequently, with teens, who are often more reluctant to acknowledge their personal responsibility in any situation, it is important to remember that time, patience, a sense of humor and an air of supportive understanding will make the transition much more pleasant.

For more information about helping teens cope with anger, or other anger management and domestic violence programs, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us today at 1-888-992-6479.

Four Simple Tips for Managing Anger

Four Simple Tips for Managing Anger

The four, simple, proven secrets to anger management are:

• Self-awareness

• Self-control

• Social -awareness

• Relationship-management

According to industry leaders, these are the four domains of emotional intelligence, and as such is the most successful route to anger management that is currently available. Strategies to master the above principles of living can best be accomplished in individual, or group classes, with curricula designed exclusively for this purpose including 8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life. by Davich, Vic (Google Affiliate Ad).

For assistance managing emotional re-activity  anger, or other aggression related concerns, please visit our website www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1888-992-6479.

North Valley Anger Management Consultants
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Edward Furlong & Milton Bradley Demonstrate The Need For Anger Management

Edward Furlong & Milton Bradley Demonstrate the Need for Anger Management

Anger is one of the most misunderstood and overused of human emotions. Anger is not a planned action – it’s a reaction to an inner emotion. Anger is energy. It serves a purpose by giving people the drive and determination to cope with the often difficult situations we find ourselves in. Anger helps discharge tension. If handled well, anger can help resolve conflict and improve relationships with others. Anger is an easy emotion to show; everyone gets angry.

However, what everyone doesn’t do is explode with public displays of person-directed anger in their relationships, custody disputes, or sporting events. While anger is a normal human emotion, the displays of verbal aggression and anger recently demonstrated by Furlong represents unhealthy anger, which destroys interpersonal relationships as well as the reputation of the perpetrator.

There are six situations in which anger is unacceptable in a civil society:

1). When it is too intense.

2). When it occurs too frequently.

3). When it lasts too long.

4). When it leads to person-directed aggression or violence.

5). When it destroys interpersonal relationships.

6). When it has health implications.

For help dealing with unhealthy levels of anger or rage, please visit our website or call us for a free  consultation.

North Valley Anger Management Consultants

www.nvamc.com

1-888-992-6479

Emotional Intelligence: The Foundation of Hope

I have often wondered what purpose blind faith serves above and beyond establishing a sense of purpose. The answer that most readily comes to mind, in this regard, is quite simply hope combined with a sense of belonging.


To that end, the majority of human beings at some point in their lives will ask, “Why am I here?” It is this very dilemma that instills a sense of lacking within humanity.

Similarly, human beings need to feel validated, regardless of their ethos. They must believe they have a purpose, and more importantly that their existence stands for something. One might say, they need to believe they belong and are needed.


Humanity, regardless of culture, has an instinctive need to believe they belong and as such are part of something that is bigger and stronger that is on their side, and in their corner; an omnipotent figure if you please, that will unconditionally love, support, and forgive them no matter what. Humankind must believe that they are not alone in this world, and that they are living for a reason; a reason that has its basis in hope.

For information regarding our services, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479.

Happy New Year!
North Valley Anger Management Consultants

Anger: A Normal Human Emotion

Per George Anderson, LCSW, anger is a normal human emotion. Consequently, our anger is one of the  first indications that we have sustained an emotional injury that causes us to feel, hurt, offended, attacked, frightened or sad. This is not an uncommon response to more vulnerable feelings. In fact, anger even has a positive side to it. Some examples of the positive uses of anger include Martin Luther King and his struggles to end discrimination in America, Nelson Mandela (www.nelsonmandela.org) whose struggle against South Africa mobilized most of the world against his adversaries, and Rosa Parks whose anger was the source of the Montgomery Bus Boycott. Another example of a positive outcome in sighted by anger is that of Mahatma Gandhi, whose anger and resulting passive resistance stance against England occurred in direct response to Britain’s domination of India.

However, anger also has very negative connotations, and is often associated with unhealthy and abusive aspects of the human condition. Anger maybe considered a problem when it is too intense, occurs too frequently, is harmful to self or others, lasts too long or leads to aggression. Unfortunately, as the economy continues to struggle and the cost of living remains astronomical, there has been an increase in unhealthy anger and aggression worldwide. This increase is visible across all sectors of our society including government, politics, professional sports, business, education, and medicine.

Therefore, emotional intelligence may no longer be effectively managed at the individual or family level, but may require voluntary and mandated training in stress management, anger management, communication and impulse control.

For more information about managing stressful emotions, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479.

Are Anger & Abuse Pre-requisest for Love?

One of the most powerful concepts to implement in any relationship is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. So the question truly becomes how you define unconditional love, and what are you willing to do to mend the hurt and pain you are currently feeling without passing blame onto the other person. Each person must communicate their love in a calm, clear, and direct, fashion in order to demonstrate respect to their partner. Our emotions have an amazing ability to unite people; however, left unchecked, they possess the same propensity to divide us.

Daniel Goldman(http://www.mbni.med.umich.edu/mbni/faculty/goldman/goldman.html) defines EMPATHY, which is a significant factor involved in unconditional love, in three ways. The first is cognitive empathy, meaning that we can understand how the other person thinks; we see his or her point of view. He states "this makes for good debaters, sales people and negotiators. On the other hand, people who have strengths in cognitive empathy alone can lack compassion – “they get how you see it, but don't care about you". The second is emotional empathy, which refers to someone who feels within herself the emotions of the person he or she is with. Goldman states "this creates a sense of rapport, and most probably entails the brain's mirror neuron system, which activates our own which in turn circuits the emotions, movements and intentions we see in the other person". This type of empathy creates opportunities of compassion and love. Consequently, this is where the third type of empathy, empathic concern, comes into play. Empathic concern "means we not only understand how a person sees and feels in the moment, but also prompts us want to help them if we sense the need". This unlocks the door to true empathy and unconditional love.

As you read this article, can you think of an experience where someone demonstrated Unconditional Love? What area of empathy do you most find yourself demonstrating (cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, or empathic concern)? Do you believe you have to hurt or be hurt to receive love?

If you are in a relationship in which you are hurting the ones you love physically, emotionally, or mentally we can help. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com today. Help is just a phone call away!

For additional resources, including assistance with a safety plan, please call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-787-3224 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ today.

How To Spot a Bully In Your Child's Life

Would you know if your child was being bullied? Often bullying goes unreported and undetected, yet the damage is still done and can have life altering effects. In 2009,  Finkelhor, Turner, Ormrod,&Hamby conducted a national study of United States school children, ages 2-17, and identified 29.5 percent of the youth surveyed had experienced emotional bullying, and 21.6 percent had experienced physical bullying. Knowing the signs and getting immediate assistance to stop the bullying and provide emotional support can make all the difference in the life of child. The following are warning signs often demonstrated by children being bullied:

Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongs

Has unexplained cuts, bruises, scratches

Has few, if any friends, with whom they spend time

Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers

Takes a long, illogical, route to school

Has lost interest in, or suddenly begins to do poorly at school

Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when they come home from school

Complains of frequent headaches, stomachaches, or other physical symptoms

Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams

Demonstrates a loss of appetite

Appears anxious and suffers from low self esteem

Learning how to recognize the symptoms may save a life. Know the signs and stop bullying today!
For more information please visit www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ss/se/bullyres.asp

The "Anger Trap"

Avoiding the "Anger Trap" is an important skill to have in your communication tool box, and is one that is often over looked. Navigating the slippery slope of interpersonal relations is never easy, but with a little help you will be stirring the communication course like a pro.
 An "Anger Trap" is the emotional mine field of any interaction that involves one party being denied something that they want. Yes, this happens all the time, all over the world, in ever aspect of life from the home to the cooperate board room. The result of getting caught in one of these traps, most especially in the business world, can often be a fast trip to anger management class. So what is the infamous trap, and how do you avoid it? An "Anger Trap" is sprung when the party being denied is able to hook the denier into justifying the denial and in so doing begins to exploit the deniers guilt. At this point, the denier becomes angry in response to the emotions associated with the guilt, and thus a successful 'anger trap' has been sprung. Avoiding the trap then becomes a matter of the denier being able to establish clear boundaries and effectively managing their communication of the denial. In short, the denier must avoid engaging in explanations by using clear, concise commands coupled with immediate disengagement from the conversation. This does not mean forgoing politeness, but it does mean remaining in control of the conversation. For more information about our services including anger management, interpersonal communication, stress management, avoiding the "Anger Trap", emotional intelligence, etc., please visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call 888-992-6479.

Emotional Intelligence & Anger

Emotional Intelligence & Anger

According to Wikipedia, "the earliest roots of emotional intelligence (EQ) can be traced to Darwin's work on the importance of emotional expression for survival and second adaptation. In the 1900s, even though traditional definitions of intelligence emphasized cognitive aspects such as memory and problem-solving, several influential researchers in the intelligence field of study had begun to recognize the importance of the non-cognitive aspects. For instance, as early as 1920, E.L. Thorndike used the term social intelligence to describe the skill of understanding and managing other people.

Similarly, in 1940 David Wechsler described the influence of non-intellective factors on intelligent behavior, and further argued that our models of intelligence would not be complete until we can adequately describe these factors. In 1983, Howard Gardner'sFrames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences introduced the idea of multiple intelligences which included both interpersonal intelligence (the capacity to understand the intentions, motivations and desires of other people) and intrapersonal intelligence (the capacity to understand oneself, to appreciate one's feelings, fears and motivations). In Gardner's view, traditional types of intelligence, such as IQ, fail to fully explain cognitive ability. Thus, even though the names given to the concept varied, there was a common belief that traditional definitions of intelligence are lacking in ability to fully explain performance outcomes."

Anger is a primitive emotion that all human beings experience. However, it is important to note that anger can also have a very disruptive effect on one's emotional intelligence (EQ). One technique that may be of  assistance with re-empowering the intelligence aspect of one's psyche is anger management. Through the use of an evidenced based anger management program, students are taught to utilize thought (intelligence) to circumvent feelings (emotion) from negatively influencing actions. Although anger is hard wired into the reptillian brain, it does not have to over ride emotional intelligence (EQ). To reclaim control and increase your EQ, consider employing thought stopping, relaxation techniques, as well as increasing verbal expression all of which have become components of successful anger management programs.

For more information about anger management and it's ability to assit individuals with increasing their emotional intelligence visit www.nvamc.com or call 888-892-6479 today.

How Do You Know It Is Time for Anger Management?

When is it Time for Anger Management?

If you, or someone you care about:

• Have late night arguments with a spouse or partner, and wind up saying very hurtful things, they wish they could take back in the morning
• Seem to be able to contain negative feelings most all of the time, but occasionally lose it and let certain people have it
• Does not respond back when people say things or do things that make me angry, but later think about a lot of great ways they should have responded to them
• Struggle to go to sleep at night because of things that really bothered and upset them during the day
• Find it difficult to forgive people when they have been wronged
  

If you are asking this question, you are among a growing number of proactive people that are seeking preventive help.  In fact, this trend is been steadily increasing over the last few years and now represents over 60-65% of clients seeking Anger Management nationwide.  In our practice in Mission Hills, we see this same trend as more people become aware of what modern, evidence-based Anger Management Programs have to offer them in terms of skills in the areas of Emotional Intelligence, Stress Management, and Practical Communication Tools.
We see people everyday coming into our office from all walks of life because ANGER IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER in society.  It is a basic human emotion that we all have.  The key is not to suppress or ignore it, but to learn skills to manage, contain, and prevent ourselves from acting or speaking inappropriately.  The good news is that these skills of Emotional Intelligence can be learned and developed.  In addition, Emotional Intelligence (commonly called EQ) is more closely correlated with success in relationships and in careers than a person’s Intelligence Quotient (or IQ).  We utilize an evidence-based, skill-building curriculum to accelerate each individual’s EQ learning curve across key domains like interpersonal assertion, empathy, stress management, interpersonal aggression, and interpersonal deference.  Most clients that come to us see great results in 12 to 16 sessions.  For more information, or for a confidential appointment, please call (888) 992-6479 or check us out on the web at www.nvamc.com.