Anger & Stress: Is There A Connection?

Modern life is full of demands. In today's world, multi-tasking is a necessary skill set, not a choice. There is no escape. In fact, the rapid pace of daily life, in the 21st century, is often referred to as "Moving at the speed of business". This translates into stress at the 'Nth' degree. So what does an average day is this ever changing, constantly moving, life on the go look like? Is it really overwhelming, or have people forgotten how to work hard? On the contrary, in today's modern age, many people work and go to school, while others work and try to raise a family, and still others work, go to school, and raise families. Throw in the daily commute, deadlines, sports for the kids, family obligations, and we can clearly see how the stress just keeps mounting. So what happens when our stress level is never relieved? For most people, this results in self neglect, anger, and resentment. Clearly, we have to give up something to meet the demands of daily life. Because the time has to come from somewhere, for many people this means skipping meals or eating fast food, some days there isn't even time to shower let alone style hair or keep up nails, and certainly no time for the gym. As the pressure continues to build, fueled by months and years of self denial, the hamster wheel of modern life grows into a volcano waiting to erupt fed by a steady diet of stress, repressed anger, and resentment which then manifests as fighting with family, partners, yelling at the kids, and possible health concerns. In more extreme cases, this type of unrelenting stress can result in marital discord, depression, anxiety, and family conflict. According to the Mayo Clinic, physical symptoms correlated with stress levels of this caliber often include high blood pressure, anxiety, weight gain/loss, frequent illness, and visible signs of poor self care (https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1RNBN_enUS464US485&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#). In short, the correlation between stress and anger is clear and something must and will give. The question is, at what cost? Will it be physical health, mental health, or family stability? In order to offset the impact of stress associated with modern life, an intervention strategy designed to maximize time while offering maximum results is needed. Of the various stress reducing supports available, the following techniques appear to offer the most benefit in the least amount to time: 1) Creating balance - Making you the priority: a) Work with partner/family to create equal distribution of duties b) Restructure schedules to afford 1 hour a day of uninterrupted personal time c) Work with family/friends to create parenting co-op to afford one or two date nights a month 2) Stress Reduction applications for smart phones: a) Breath to Relax (free) b) Anxiety Self Help (free) c) Cleveland Clinic Stress Meditations ($0.99) d) Stress Check ($1.99) e) Pocket Yoga ($2.99) 3) Additional smart phone resources for stress or crisis management: a) http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/20/top-10-free-mental-health-apps/ b) http://www.argonautsoftware.com/articles/smartphone-apps-for-managing-stress.html Although there is no cure for modern life, there are ways to manage and/or reduce day to day stress. Balance is the key, and with careful planning quality of life is truly achievable. The key, is to recognize the signs and symptoms of stress overload before they hit critical mass. If you, or a loved one, have begun to demonstrate the following clinical signs or symptoms of stress, professional intervention is strongly suggested: 1) Frequent headaches, jaw clenching or pain, teeth gritting/grinding 2) Neck ache, back pain, muscle spasms 3) Light headedness, faintness, dizziness, ringing in the ears or popping 4 Irritable, easily annoyed, angry 5) Frequent colds, infections, herpes sores, rashes, itching, hives, “goose bumps”, unexplained or frequent “allergy” attacks 6) Heartburn, stomach pain, nausea 7) Weight gain or loss of more than 5 pounds 8) Diminished or lack of sexual desire For further information, or to consult regarding symptoms or concerns, please contact your local healthcare or mental health professional, or visit the American Stress Institute online at www.stress.org

Domestic Violence is Aggravated Assault: Only You Can Stop The Cycle of Violence!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS AGGRAVATED ASSAULT!

Don't Live in Fear of Domestic Violence ! If you, or someone you love, is living with domestic violence help is available 24 hours a day. Take the first step and make a phone call; you may be saving a life. For further information, please call the following numbers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Domestic Violence Hotline 800-978-3600 National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) TDD 800-787-3224 Domestic violence is more than just a "family problem"; it is a crime. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) recognizes that domestic violence is a major problem in Los Angeles County and throughout the United States. Each year, more than two million women are victims of domestic violence, and one million children are physically abused. In California, it is a crime for any person to threaten, beat, sexually assault or otherwise harm another person, even if they are married. Battering is not exclusively a crime against women, but they are the majority affected. One of every two families in the United States is involved in domestic violence at some time. Domestic violence is a repetitive pattern in people's lives. Victims or witnesses of domestic violence in childhood are mostly likely to repeat such acts as adults. The current incidence of domestic violence cannot be tolerated. Too many women are beaten. Too many children are abused. Too many homes are battlegrounds. There is a way out! Victims do not need to submit and lead a life of tension between calm and storm. If you are a victim of domestic violence, now is the time to start thinking about protecting yourself. The fact that you are seeking assistance is a very good sign. It means you are seriously considering your situation. Calling the police, telling a friend, or contacting a shelter is the first step. Please don't wait until it is too late. Many studies show that an uninterrupted cycle of violence only worsens over time. Hotlines and shelters are there to be used and counseling is available. It's as close as a phone call and it's free. Let us help you. Stop the violence and stay safe! If you would like further information about domestic violence or other mental health services, please call 1-888-992-6479. Your consultation is free and confidential.

Cut Your Stress Today: Anger & Stress Management Tips For Busy People

With today's hectic schedule managing stress is an even more important key to successful anger management. Statistically, how we conceptualize the various demands in our lives and the emotional value we place on each of these many stresses makes all the difference in our ability to successfully juggle the often overwhelming demands of modern life, which broadly translates into how well we manage our anger. When we pair this combination with the very human tendency to protect our feelings by not talking about how we feel it equals a recipe for stressed out and angry people. Critically, the following example illustrates the connection between internalized thoughts and feelings and the enormous difference sharing our emotional burdens (internalized thoughts and feelings) with friends, family, or professional providers can make in the successful management of anger and stress. " A young lady confidently walks around a room while explaining anger and stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone in the room thought she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?' She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Many answers were called out ranging from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Metaphorical Tips to Help Successfully Manage Anger and Stress: 1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue! 2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them. 3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. 5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 8 * Never buy a car you can't push. 9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. 13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 15 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 16 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 17 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 18 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY 19 * Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate! References: "Out of The Rough" by Fred Arnold

Good Self Care Reduces Anger

Good Self Care Reduces Angry Outbursts Self-care is a critical part of overall good health, but it is also a key component in managing our emotions. When self-care is neglected, one of the first warning signs is increased irritability and anger towards family and friends. In fact, successfully managing angry outbursts often depends on how well we manage our day to day responsibilities. Good self-care means good stress/anger management. Consequently, balance in all areas of day to day life is often the key. Below is a self-care plan template published by Social Tech.Com. Notice the three areas of focus are the mind, body, and spirit. These represent the three domains of life (work/home/relationships). To achieve a healthy balance, equal attention and nurturing must be given to all three areas. Too much stress, or too much time devoted to any one area can cause increased stress and lead to anger, irritability and outbursts. For more information regarding anger management, stress management, and self-care please feel free to visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call 1-888-992-6479.

The Twelve Angry Days of Christmas

The twelve days of Christmas are upon us! As the days grow shorter and the Holiday "to do" list grows longer, emotions often get out of control taking the joy of Christmas with them. Below are twelve tips to support the healthy management of anger, frustration, and other emotions to help keep your family's Christmas experience happy and filled with joy:

On the first day of Christmas: Reduce stress by managing your time carefully and not over-scheduling yourself. Take time for yourself!

On the second day of Christmas:  Adjust your expectations of family members. No, Uncle Bill hasn't changed since last year. Tell yourself that you only have to see her once a year- you can cope with it.

On the third day of Christmas: Limit the amount of time you spend with stressful family members. Remember the "spirit" of the season can be shared just as well with brief quality time.

On the fourth day of Christmas: Work on increasing your forgiveness skills. Let old resentments go. Holding grudges hurts you more than your relatives.

On the fifth day of Christmas: Develop better empathy skills. Try to see the world from the viewpoint of irritating family members and you may be shocked at how your anger dissipates.

On the sixth day of Christmas: Limit the amount of time you spend shopping and going to parties. Too many Holiday rounds only adds necessary expense and stress. Christmas isn't about buying gifts and going to parties. Remember the "spirit" of the season is about sharing love and quality time with family and friends.

On the seventh day of Christmas: Watch carefully the amount of alcohol you consume. Many anger management students confess that excessive drinking definitely contributed to family conflict and aggression.

On the eighth day of Christmas: Celebrating the Holidays doesn't have to be expensive. You can keep Christmas alive and well without going broke. Reconnect with the meaning of Christmas through religious or cultural practices.

On the ninth day of Christmas: When you feel frustrated and your temper starts to rise, try counting to 10 slowly. Time out isn't just for kids! Before saying things you might regret, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10.

On the tenth day of Christmas: When Holiday spirits are flowing and your in the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything by counting to 20 backwards.

On the eleventh day of Christmas: Forgive and forget! Don't allow anger and other negative feelings to get in the way of positive feelings that come with the season. You can do it!

On the twelfth day of Christmas:  Relax, breath and enjoy your family, friends and celebrate the Holiday! If your temper flares, use your relaxation skills. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Tomorrow is Christmas." You can do it!


For more tips on how to deal with angry feelings, Holiday stress, or the angry behavior of others, call us at 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com


Happy Holidays from North Valley Anger Management Consultants!

Anger Management Classes: Sunday Group

Family Stress & Holiday Cheer: A Survival Guide

We often think the Holiday Season is everyone’s  favorite time of year. The weather is cooling. The leaves are falling; the food is getting richer and more decadent. It’s the time of smiling faces, warm cozy fires, hearts full of joy, and families filled with love and togetherness right?
As pretty a picture as the media would try to sell us, we all know the truth. The Holidays are full of family stress, anger, conflict, and pressure. In fact, some of the following stress filled messages may be running through your mind right now. What will we make for dinner? Who is coming over? What is the budget looking like for presents this year? How do I stop myself from getting angry at the in-laws? Where will my family stay? Is there enough space in our house? Will the kids actually let me sleep today? Do I really want to have to talk to my brother, mother in law, cousin, other family members I don't like ?

With all these stresses and pressures a short temper, anger, and cranky snappy responses are bound to arise. All it takes is the smallest thing to set us off during family gatherings, which often leads to poor coping resulting in overeating and excess alcohol consumption. At times, this may seem like the only way to get through the Holiday Season. Admittedly, safely coping with the Christmas Season in a positive and healthy way is not always easy, but it can be done. Often, it is the little things that help the most. The following is a list of helpful tricks to help you cope:

1. Remember to breathe- the Holidays don’t last forever.

2. This too shall pass! Try to keep in mind that even with all the build up, expectations and disappointment that often come with the season, ultimately they are just days, and you can get through them just like you do every other day that has come, or is yet to come.

3. Be aware of your mood and tone of voice, your body language.

4.  It's not all about you! Other people are stressed too. Don't take other peoples moods and behaviors personally.

 5. Please remember that alcohol only adds to the problem, and can be down right dangerous. Keeping the Holiday cheer in check will help keep the anger and stress in check too.

It helps when you realize that everyone else is just as stressed as you are. You are not alone; just smile, relax and try to enjoy what you can. Remember, you are the only one who can keep yourself safe, sober, and under control. For information and assistance coping with holiday stress, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com  or call us toll free at 1-888-992-6479 today.

Happy Holidays from North Valley Anger Management Consultants 

Surviving The Holiday Blues (Scrooge-itis)

It happens every year. Shortly after Halloween, the Holiday season begins. It starts with the retail ads, picks up speed in the grocery stores, and often consumes the work place and community, then before you know it the tidal wave of “good cheer” has taken over everyday life. Except, many people don’t feel very cheerful. In fact, at times, many people find themselves simultaneously dreading and resenting the Holidays. Indeed, some may even find themselves identifying with Ebeneezer Scrooge, in that they are inexplicably feeling angry, bitter, sad, resentful, overwhelmed, lonely, and disconnected. However, if you or someone you love believe have identified many, if not all, of the symptoms of “Scrooge-itis” this does not mean you secretly dislike children, nor that you will suddenly become miserly, greedy, or mean. What these symptoms may mean is that you or a loved one may be struggling with unresolved Grief and Loss, Traumatic Grief, Trauma, Abandonment issues, or concerns otherwise deemed “The Holiday Blues.” The good news is you, or your loved one, is not ALONE! Thousands of people feel the exact same way each and every year. The importance of recognizing the signs and symptoms associated with “The Holiday Blues” and seeking professional help is the key to successfully coping with the holiday season. If you, or a loved one, are experiencing several or more of the following symptoms seek immediate assistance from a mental health professional in your area, or call the National Crisis Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255 www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org:

1)      Sadness

2)      Tearfulness

3)      Hopelessness

4)      Isolating

5)      Unexplained loss of Interest in previously enjoyed hobbies or activities

6)      Unexplained loss of appetite

7)      Unexplained increase in appetite

8)      Unexplained anger/irritability

9)      Disrupted Sleep

10)   Inability to focus

11)   Increased use of alcohol  

12)   Suicidal Ideation

13)   Homicidal Ideation

14)   Poor hygiene/lack of desire to bath/brush teeth

15)   Increased absences at work or school

For more information, or referrals, regarding coping with the Holiday Blues help is just a phone call away. Call 211, 1-800-854-7771 or visit www.healthycity.org or www.namila.org/crisis-hotlines-hospitals  For life threatening emergencies or immediate assistance call 911. Remember, you are not alone!

Happy Holidays from All of Us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants!

For more information about our anger, stress, and domestic violence programs call 1-888-992-6479 or visit www.nvamc.com. 

Dumping My Bucket of Emotions Without An Angry Outburst!

For many people anger and disruptive behavior are the result of internalized tension and resentment. In short, anger represents mental and emotional fill points or bucket of emotion, that have hit there limit and literally burst. So what is an emotional “fill point” and how does it affect us? An emotional “fill point” is an imaginary line used to represent how much stress and anger a person can accumulate before these negative emotions start to “spill” out in an angry outburst.

Some people have a low fill line, while others have a high one. Children, on the other hand,  tend to have much lower fill lines than adults, and as such care must be taken when interacting and setting and example for them. When a child reaches their fill line, they tend to let all their negative emotions spill out onto others in un- healthy ways. Disruptive behavior, acting out, anger, irritability, and bullying are the most common unhealthy ways that a child uses to try and relieve stress by playing out emotions that they may not be able to verbally express. This is not only devastating for the child, but also for the unintended victim of the angry lashing out, be it family, a friend, classmates etc. The most important thing to remember is that a child, unlike and adult, does not know their fill line; and as such,  is unable to actively choose to reduce their stress and negative emotions before they spill over onto others. 

When a child’s emotional bucket is full, it is up to the caregivers in their lives to help them learn and begin to use healthy appropriate alternatives to angry out bursts or they disruptive behaviors. Some effective tools to help children cope with tension and stress dump are engaging activities including sports, Boys & Girls Club, summer camp, etc, redirection such as color grounding (have them choose a color in a room, then prompt them to point out how many places they see the color), creating a coping box filled with manipulatives, guided activities, music, slow deep breathing, taking space, etc. Adults, on the other hand, are able to dump their emotional buckets and make healthy choices to reduce their tension and anger without prompting; however, the same principles apply. Appropriate ways for adults to reduce their emotional fill lines include going to the gym, enrolling in Yoga, slow deep breathing, talking with a friend, guided imagery, etc.

Whether a child or an adult, healthy coping may take some practice, but recognizing and appropriately relieving the anger, stress, and tension built up in an emotional bucket will ultimately lead to a happier, calmer life.

For more information about healthy alternatives to managing anger, please visit www.nvamc.com, or call  1-888-992-6479 for a free consultation.

Labeling Your Child’s Disruptive Behavior: Helping or Hurting?

Raising children is never easy at the best of times. Many things can affect a child’s behavior, and as such our children are often the emotional barometer of the family. Therefore, it is important to note that when the level of stress increases in the home so too will our children’s disruptive behaviors. Stress in a child’s life can come from many sources, including the addition of another child, parental job loss, a death in the family, divorce, family relocation, being detained by Child Protective Services, learning differences, language barriers, developmental delays, family dysfunction, exposure to domestic violence, substance abuse, etc. Recognizing that our children demonstrate their feelings through their behavior is a key factor in changing the way we respond to disruptive behavior. 

Often, our children may appear irritable, angry, and defiant, as a maladaptive defense against feeling out of control when stress increases in their lives. For Caregivers, this can be a very difficult time to parent a child, and understanding that labeling a child demonstrating anger or disruptive behavior as “bad” or as their mental health diagnosis, if they have one, is emotionally painful and only compounds the problem. Children are never bad! Behavior, on the other hand, is a choice and helping a child to make good choices is the goal, and will make all the difference in modifying disruptive behavior.

According to Kelly Sanders, MFT, “When children get angry and have tantrums, and it happens over and over, it can be very frustrating for parents to deal with. When the child understands the consequence of their behavior, but continues to get angry and throw tantrums, parents may not be sure of what else to do. Parents slip. Teachers slip. The slip is telling the child that they are “bad” even though the behavior that they are doing may be more the focus of “bad.” I do not think that parents or even teachers slip on purpose and telling the kid that he is “bad,” but we are human and make mistakes, and it happens. Repeating this slip impacts the child’s self-esteem. Over time, these children may see themselves as “bad” because they keep repeating the “bad” behavior, receiving the consequence, and having parents become frustrated, and a negative self-image begins to form. I know that is not what parents want for their kids. They want them to have a good sense of self and know how to make appropriate choices by recognizing what is “bad” behavior and what is “good” behavior.”

The following excerpt is from an article in the “The Parent Support Line”, by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor, who suggests using the following positive parenting intervention techniques to re-shape and modify anger outbursts, tantrums, or other disruptive behaviors children demonstrate when struggling with increased levels of stress:

“Start where your child is and coach them forward.”

James Lehman says: “Start where your child is and coach them forward.” In other words, build on your child’s strengths and keep your expectations reasonable. We also recommend that you not try to tackle everything at once, but pick one or two behaviors you want to change and then move on from there. Remember, your overall goal is to see your child make improvements—it’s not simply to have your child do what you tell them to do.

If you feel completely overwhelmed by your child’s behavior problems, here are 8 tips to help you focus on changing your child's behavior, step by step.

1. Try to Have Reasonable Goals

I think that many times instead of trying to make gradual changes, parents expect that all the inappropriate behavior will stop immediately. The truth is, you might see certain behaviors stop right away, but it doesn't necessarily mean your child will never act out again. It’s not going to be instantaneous, and it will take just as much practice on your part as it does on your child’s part. Change takes time. It’s not just you who needs time practicing new techniques. Your child also needs to practice so he can learn by repetition. The reason you want to ask for reasonable change is because your child cannot make major changes all at once.

2. Coaching Your Child Forward: Know What His Strengths Are

It’s important to have a good idea of what your child is capable of doing. Here’s an example: Some kids have an issue like ADD or ADHD. It’s important to get a really good understanding of what ADHD looks like in your child. Is it hard for him to focus and stay organized? Maybe he daydreams when he’s supposed to be working. Every child is different, and it’s important for you to modify your expectations accordingly. It’s also important for your child to know what his strengths and weaknesses are so he can recognize when he’s getting off track and learn how to get back on. After determining what your child’s strengths and weaknesses are, understand that he will make improvements from that starting point.

I've seen kids who are defiant or op-positional completely throw in the towel because they’re not capable of doing what you’re asking, particularly in relation to school work. That’s why it’s extremely important to find out what your child’s abilities are and begin right there. That’s one of the most important steps in making sure your expectations are reasonable.

3. Keep in Mind That Your Child is Working Toward a Goal

Accept that your child is working toward a goal. In other words, your child is probably not going to be able to stop his inappropriate behavior on a dime. If your teen is in the habit of getting his way by intimidating others in the family with his angry outbursts, understand that this behavior is not going to go away immediately. Work with him on making small steps toward good behavior. You might say, “You need to give me your cell phone for the next two hours until you can behave and talk appropriately.” The key is that during that time, your child is practicing this new skill. You’re not saying, “That’s it—you’ve lost your phone all day.” Many kids struggle with punishments that last too long and end up giving up halfway through. Instead, you want to have short-term goals throughout the day. Work toward short-term accomplishments and successes all day long.

4. Pick One Behavior to Work on at a Time

When I ask parents what they’d like to start working on with their child, many say general things like, “I just want my kid to listen to me,” or “I want my teen to do what I ask him to do when I ask him.” I think it’s very important to pick a specific behavior to start with and a time of day when it should be accomplished. When you’re just beginning to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program, it’s important to put some structure in your child’s schedule or else you’re too likely to get into a power struggle with him each time you ask him to stop what he’s doing and do what you want. Choose a concrete behavior, such as doing homework daily, or being home at curfew, instead of working on your child’s attitude. You might feel concerned because you’re letting other behaviors slide when you focus on just one, but realize that your child is actually learning skills when he changes one behavior at a time—skills that he will be able to use in all situations going forward. Primarily, he is learning how to do what he doesn't feel like doing, and that there will be a consequence if he behaves inappropriately. Make no mistake, a lot is happening when you choose one behavior at a time and work solely on it.

5. Start with Physical Behavior

Many parents ask, “Where do I start?” I always recommend that you begin with physical behavior first. It could be a safety issue, like your child sneaking out of the house at night. Many parents will say that back talk is the biggest thing they’re dealing with. It’s really hard for them to tolerate, and that’s natural. But if your child is not coming home at night, I suggest putting backtalk aside for a bit and focusing on making sure he’s safe and complying with house rules regarding curfew.

Physical behavior can also apply to kids who act out and are destructive or abusive at home. If your child is punching holes in the walls or intimidating his siblings physically, you want to start there. We recommend that you adopt James’ philosophy of, “There’s no excuse for abuse” in your family. Let your kids know there will be stern consequences for their actions and follow through on them.

A lot of parents will avoid tackling these big issues because it’s easier to pick something small than it is to address the big scary things. But if it’s a health or safety concern I don’t think you have any choice—that should always come first.

6. Can’t Decide Which Behavior to Tackle First? Get Some Help

There are some instances where you may be forced to deal with two behaviors at the same time. Let’s say your child talks back to you while you’re trying to help him complete his homework assignment, and you’re not sure which behavior to address first. This is where the Total Transformation Parental Support Line can be really helpful. We can help you determine, based on your child and what his overall behavior is like, what the best issue is to address first. We can tell you what technique to really focus on and which ones to set aside for later—and we’ll help you come up with a practical strategy.

7. If Your Child Doesn't Seem to be Making Enough Progress…

A common stumbling block for parents is when they feel as if their child isn’t making enough progress. But remember, the goal is that your child improves—not that they will listen to you 100% of the time. It’s very different.

Sometimes you can change that by changing your parenting techniques and the house rules. Power struggles between you and your child will usually cause him to dig in and not cooperate. Putting more structure into place is sometimes necessary. You might say, “You have to do your chores Saturday morning if you want to go out Saturday night. Get started at 10:00 a.m.”

At other times, your child might be having real difficulty making improvements. James Lehman says we have to “parent the child we have and not the child we wish we had.” He reminds us that our kids are unique individuals. This brings us back to the importance of determining your child’s capabilities—again, be sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable.

8. Don’t Take It Personally

Many parents also get trapped in wanting their kids to feel a certain way. They want their kids to care about cleaning their room or to care about the effect doing homework will have on their future. The truth is, it’s not your child’s fault;  he’s really not wired to feel that way yet.                                             The important thing is not that your child cares, it’s that he learns how to do things even if he doesn't feel like doing them. This is a huge life skill.

When you’re working to have your child’s behavior change, try to pay attention to what it looks like rather than what your child is saying. James says to ask yourself, “What would I see if I were watching this on television with the sound turned down? What would my child’s behavior look like right now?” I think this is a really good way to visualize what behavior is when you’re having a hard time separating it from what your child says or feels. Just ask yourself, “What is my child doing?”

Let’s say the sound is turned down and you see your teenager fighting with you, then he’s stomping off to clean his room. He may be sullen and have a bad attitude, but he’s also doing what you asked. Work on the behavior first, and the attitude will come. James says, “Don’t feel your way to better behavior; behave your way to better feelings.” And that’s exactly what you want your child to do.

Sometimes in parenting, it really is “two steps forward, one step back.” But remember, even if that’s the case, you are still moving forward. Yes, your child will challenge you. He’ll come back and test you to see if things have really changed; he’ll see if he can get you to go back to the way you used to be, particularly if he was calling all the shots. But stand your ground and eventually his behavior will change. One way to stay encouraged is to remember where your child started and compare it to the progress he’s made. It’s also important to encourage your child when this happens. Keep saying things like, “I know you can make improvements because you have already done it. Keep at this.

For more information regarding the connection between negative labels and children struggling with anger or  disruptive behaviors, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us at 1-888-992-6479. Change is never easy, and doesn't happen overnight, but it begins with you. If you are reading this article, you are taking the first step!

Explosive Rage In Teenage Boys At Alarming Rate

Explosive Rage In Teenage Boys At Alarming Rate

In an alarmingly upward trend, teenage boys are increasingly acting out in horrific acts of violent and explosive rage. Per The Guardian, one such tragic event occurred on 24 May 2013, at which time a 15 year old boy allegedly killed his adopted brothers (http://guardianlv.com/2013/05/west-point-utah-15-year-old-boy-allegedly-kills-adopted-brothers-10-and-4/), in a small town, in West Point, Utah.  Similarly, per The LA Times, in January 2013, a 15 year old boy in New Mexico confessed to having killed his mother, father, and three small siblings (http://articl es.latimes.com/2013/jan/21/nation/la-na-nn-albuquerque-griego-shooting-20130121). Regrettably, these are not isolated incidents. In direct response to this growing trend in teen violence, enlightened parents are seeking anger management education classes for their sons. Further, as part of a proactive trend toward emotional intelligence training, anger management classes are replacing punishment for teenage boys whose aggressive anger is alarming both their parents and school personnel. The ongoing negative economic trend has impacted the mood and stress levels of adults, children, and adolescents nationwide. Anger, stress, and aggressive behavior are some of the consequences associated with dramatic changes in socio-economic status. To punish an angry teen often leads to further negative alterations in his or her behavior. In contrast, anger management classes, which are focused on increasing an individual’s emotional intelligence by teaching skills in self-awareness, self-control, social awareness and relationships, are more likely to result in skill enhancement in the pivotal areas mentioned above. In fact, due to the fragile ego of teens, psychotherapy is often viewed as extremely threatening and as such generally produces poorer outcomes. Therefore, emotional intelligence for skill enhancement, in managing anger and stress, delivered in a group setting, is a far more popular intervention with teenage boys and is more likely to produce positive outcomes.

For further information regarding anger management education for teenage boys displaying disruptive, or anti-social behavior, please visit our website at www.nvamc.mobi or call 1-888-992-6479. 

Anger Management Is Part of Self Care 101

In a recent mental health report, from the Office of the U.S. Surgeon General (U.S.Public Health Service), anger management classes are recommended as part of acomprehensive stress reduction program. The Surgeon General, in a clarion call for health promotion initiatives, underscores the importance of psycho educational interventions at a community level for a range of problems including parenting, stress management, and anger management classes. Because anger management is a broad spectrum intervention, it is notable for its wide applicability to a variety of constituencies for both primary and secondary stress prevention. For example, anger management techniques are needed desperately by doctors, teachers, probation officers, correctional staff, counselors, community leaders and parents. Ease of access for anger management services is readily available by utilizing programs at various community locations, such as schools, social service organizations, churches, libraries, and provide convenient venues for workshops and classes.

A recent study at John Hopkins University found that most people who have experienced heart attacks or strokes had problems managing anger. Thus unhealthy anger has serious health implications and needs to be addressed proactively. Good health requires self-care, and participation in a psycho educational program may be an important aspect in preventive care.

For more information about the link between stress and preventive health care, please visit the United States Office of health and human services at www.hhs.gov  . For information about anger management classes please or visit our website at www.nvamc.com , or call us today at 1-888-992-6479.

Anger & Fatigue: A Potential Recipe for Disaster!

Fatigue is symptom of modern life; all of us feel it, some more than others. However, as common place as it is these days, have you ever found yourself wondering just what is this exhausted feeling all about? The Webster’s dictionary (www.webster.com) defines fatigue as "Extreme tiredness, typically resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness." There are many causes for it, work, family, money etc. In fact, per a recent article in Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) it is during these times of extreme fatigue that we are much more likely to let our emotional mind rule us. Consequently, as a result of fatigue, we become too tired and too run down to really think before we act/speak, or care about the damage our angry behavior might cause in the future.

Ironically, as difficult as it may be, it is during these moments of extreme fatigue that we must be most vigilant about thinking our actions through and controlling our emotions. In short, the anger and resentment underlying our fatigue is not a product of a rationale mind, but is instead a purely emotional response to stress resulting from extreme fatigue. As hard as it is to endure, many of the hardships we face today, such as college and paying a mortgage, will make our future a little easier. Emotional

control of our anger response during periods of fatigue may be hard to obtain at first, but conscious effort will soon come as naturally as breathing. With time, patience, and awareness we all can be successful in controlling out anger and redirecting it in positive ways even during periods of extreme fatigue. Although taxing and often overwhelming, don't give up the struggle to succeed in these modern times; ultimately, it will be worth it!

Are Anger & Abuse Pre-requisest for Love?

One of the most powerful concepts to implement in any relationship is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. So the question truly becomes how you define unconditional love, and what are you willing to do to mend the hurt and pain you are currently feeling without passing blame onto the other person. Each person must communicate their love in a calm, clear, and direct, fashion in order to demonstrate respect to their partner. Our emotions have an amazing ability to unite people; however, left unchecked, they possess the same propensity to divide us.

Daniel Goldman(http://www.mbni.med.umich.edu/mbni/faculty/goldman/goldman.html) defines EMPATHY, which is a significant factor involved in unconditional love, in three ways. The first is cognitive empathy, meaning that we can understand how the other person thinks; we see his or her point of view. He states "this makes for good debaters, sales people and negotiators. On the other hand, people who have strengths in cognitive empathy alone can lack compassion – “they get how you see it, but don't care about you". The second is emotional empathy, which refers to someone who feels within herself the emotions of the person he or she is with. Goldman states "this creates a sense of rapport, and most probably entails the brain's mirror neuron system, which activates our own which in turn circuits the emotions, movements and intentions we see in the other person". This type of empathy creates opportunities of compassion and love. Consequently, this is where the third type of empathy, empathic concern, comes into play. Empathic concern "means we not only understand how a person sees and feels in the moment, but also prompts us want to help them if we sense the need". This unlocks the door to true empathy and unconditional love.

As you read this article, can you think of an experience where someone demonstrated Unconditional Love? What area of empathy do you most find yourself demonstrating (cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, or empathic concern)? Do you believe you have to hurt or be hurt to receive love?

If you are in a relationship in which you are hurting the ones you love physically, emotionally, or mentally we can help. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com today. Help is just a phone call away!

For additional resources, including assistance with a safety plan, please call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-787-3224 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ today.

Safely Coping With Holiday Anger & Stress

One may think the Holiday Season is everybodys  favorite time of year. The weather is cooling. The leaves are falling; the food is getting richer and more decadant. It’s the time of smiling faces, warm cozy fires, hearts full of joy, and families filled with love and togetherness right?

As pretty a picture as the media would try to sell us, we all know the truth. The Holidays are full of family stress, anger, conflict, and pressure. In fact, some of the the following stress filled messages may be running through your mind right now. What will we make for dinner? Who is coming over? What is the budget looking like for presents this year? How do I stop myself from getting angry at the in-laws? Where will my family stay? Is there enough space in our house? Will the kids actually let me sleep today? Do I really want to have to talk to my brother, mother in law, cousin, other family members I don't like ?

With all these stresses and pressures a short temper, anger, and cranky snappy responses are bound to arise. All it takes is the smallest thing to set us off during these times. Sometimes maladaptive coping, such as over indulgence in food and drink can seem like the only way to get through the season.

Coping with the season in a positive and safe way is not easy, but it can be done.

Often, it is the the little things that help the most.  Just remember to breathe, the holidays don’t last forever. Try to keep in mind that even with all the build up, expectations and disappointment that often come with the season, ultimately they are just days, and you can get through them just like you do every other day that has come, or is yet to come. Just be aware of your mood and tone of voice, your body language, and that other peoples behavior is not personal. Another thing to keep in mind is that alcohol only adds to the problem, and can be down right dangerous. Keeping the holiday cheer in check will help keep the anger and stress in check too. It helps when you realize that everyone else is just as stressed as you are. You are not alone; just smile, relax and try to enjoy what you can. Remember, you are the only one who can keep yourself safe, sober, and under control.

For information and assistance coping with holiday stress, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com  or call us toll free at 1-888-992-6479 today.

Happy Holidays from North Valley Anger Management Consultants!

Coping With Anger & Stress: When to Get Help

Stress and anger often go hand in hand. For many of us, financial issues are the greatest cause of stress. Am I going to have enough hours this month? What if I get sick? The pressure to make enough to have a place to live and cover all the bills can wear us down, adding additional tension to already overwhelmed lives .  It is during these times of stress and emotional strife, that we are the most prone to a dangerous level of anger. We might begin, on an unconscious level, to look for any reason to yell, or start a fight, in order to relieve some of the pressure. The more stressed you become, the more the smallest things can set you off.  You know, common everyday things like someone changing lanes without signaling,or  maybe your spouse or child hasn't taken out that trash yet. Whatever the case, it is up to us to be aware and recognize when we feel ourselves starting down overload road and getting angry about things that normally wouldn't matter. It is up to us to be responsible, and to look for appropriate ways of releasing our stress and anger before it harms ourselves or loved ones. 


There are many different ways to calm down and relax. If any of these symptoms of system overload sounds like you or someone you love, I encourage you to find what works for you, or your loved one to de-stress and reclaim  a calmer quality of life.  

For more information about anger management, and a free consultation please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call 1-888-992-6479 today.       

Anger Management for Parents

Today's parents are dealing with more day to day frustration raising their children than ever before. In the majority of homes, parents are not only working, attempting to provide after school activities via sports programs, scouting, etc, but are also trying to maintain relationships with significant others, family, friends, religious affiliations, etc. Many of these homes are single parent households, which adds even more stress to the equation. Factor in those parents who are also trying to go to school in addition to everything else, in an attempt to improve there ability to earn a livable wage, and the stress multiplies expotentialy. Throw a defiant teen, or angry young one acting out due to divorce or other concerns, into the mix and you have a pressure cooker ready to blow at any moment. So how can mom&dad; diffuse their frustration and cope with the stress of parenting children in the twenty-first century? Are we really talking about anger management for parents? The answer is yes. In fact, anger management techniques are appropriate for everyone, everywhere, in all walks of life and parents are no exception. Mom&dad are people too, and are dealing with even more stress than those without children and as such have even greater need of anger management skills to cope with the demands of modern life. The following anger management techniques are recommended as stress management tools for parents to use to prevent nuclear implosion : 
1) Lean to identify the physical signs of rising anger such as tightening of the stomach, neck, shoulders, clenched fists, gritting of teeth etc.

2) When the above signs are identified, count backwards to refocus your thoughts.

3) Give yourself a time out and walk and disengage from the source of stress while counting backwards.

4) Utilize relaxation techniques such as slow deep breathing, guided imagery, isometric excersises, stretching.

5) Give yourself fifteen minutes of unscheduled time a day just for you.
At North Valley Anger Management Consultants, we understand the unrelenting demands of being a parent in the twent-first century and are available to help. For a additional information, visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us at 1-888-992-6479.


 

Even Moms get Angry!

Why do we hurt the ones that are closest to us?  Why do we say things we regret?  I met with a mom again the other day that struggled with anger towards her children and had late night arguments with her spouse.  It is not uncommon that people tend to express their anger towards those they are closest to the most, that they feel the most comfortable with.
If you are ready to stop this cycle of painful behavior in your relationships with your family we are here to help.  We have a variety different options for you.  Most moms we meet with benefit from one-on-one sessions that focus on Emotional Intelligence, Stress Management, Anger Management, and Communication Skills at home.  There is a solution and our team of professionals is here to help you.

Make a Holiday wish come true for you and the ones you love.To schedule a confidential appointment please call our office at (888) 992-6479 or visit our website at http://www.nvamc.com/

Dr. Phil Show "Angry Moms"