Domestic Violence Survival: You Can Do It!

Surviving Domestic Violence Domestic violence and domestic abuse are serious issues that affect both men and women. They often go hand in hand, but just because you are not being physically attacked, doesn’t mean you aren’t being abused. It is important to know the signs and recognize when they are present in your life. Some of these signs include… Jealousy over who you talk to. Embarrassing or putting you down in front of others. Finding faults, and correcting things you said or did after a social event. Making you feel worthless / useless / devalued Threatening you or your loved ones / pets. Wants to be involved with and control everything you do. Checks in often and regularly to see what you are doing, where you are, and who is with you. Always wants you to do things with their friends and family. Is not interested in spending time with your friends, family, or activities, and objects to you being involved. Keeps money from you and doesn't put you on credit card accounts, checking and/or savings accounts. Slams things, throws things, or breaks things when upset. Punishes you, by abusing your children, or pets. Makes all the decisions in your relationship. Doesn't let you further your education, or work. Requires you to work excessively while all the money goes to them. Blames you for their mistakes. Denies, or controls your access to medicine, medical care, or medical devices. Pushes, slaps, restrains, kicks, punches, or in any other way physically hurts you. Threatens to turn you into immigration for deportation. Expects/demands sex, sexual acts you aren't comfortable with, or sexually assaults you. Regardless of how long the relationship has been going on, the sooner you get out the better. The longer you stay, the harder / more dangerous it becomes to get out. The abusive partner will be more invested as time passes, and more determined to keep you from getting away. Verbal Abuse Verbal Abuse is often used before the physical abuse starts or in conjunction with it. The abusive partner uses this to tear you down and make you easier to control / manipulate. The more they can get you to feel worthless, the more power they ultimately have over you. Do these examples sound like they would come from someone speaking out of love? “Everything you say is stupid, nobody wants to hear it, you should just keep your mouth shut.” “If you had done it right, then I wouldn’t have to be mad at you.” “Why are you dressing like that, you look like a whore, do you want other people to think that’s what you are?” “You can’t do anything right, you’re lucky I put up with you, nobody else ever will.” Don’t let this bring you down, recognize this for exactly what it is, abuse. Someone trying to make you doubt yourself. Remember that you have value and worth, and that you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Breaking Free Now that you know the signs and if you have decided to move on, here are a few things to help with the process. SAFETY IS NUMBER ONE!!!!!! Your Safety and the safety of your children are number one and not negotiable. Make a safety plan, know when the best time to leave will be Have somewhere you can go that will be safe, while you put your life back together Learn their triggers and how to avoid them, if you have children make sure they will be safe as well Leave any nonessential belongings. You can buy a new wardrobe, you can’t buy another life Don’t Respond with violence, unless you have to defend your life. It will immediately escalate things. Let them know where you are going Leave them anyway to find you. Pick up a pre-paid cell phone. If your car has a tracking device, disable it. Think of anything else that can be used to find you, and remove it from your life. These are only a few of the things you can do when leaving an abusive or dangerous relationship. It’s a long hard road, but you don’t have to be a victim. You can take control of your life and make sure you are safe. No one deserves to abused or live in fear for themselves and their children or loved ones. For additional information, resources, or help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TDD at 1-800-787-3224, or visit their website at www.thehotline.org.

Surviving & Thriving With An Angry Teen

Have you ever found yourself wondering why today’s teenagers are so angry? Relatively speaking, most people have a certain degree of near constant anger. This is usually caused by underlying fears, frustrations, and anxiety concerning work or financial issues. Another often significant factor contributing to anger and frustration may be present if we struggle in our relationships with other people. However, if you add the mix of volatile hormone levels, testing your place in society and being stuck in that awkward half child/ half adult stage, it is no wonder that teens end up being known for wicked tempers and out of the blue mood swings. Needless to say, dealing with them is confusing and exhaustive at the best of times, even for other teens. So what are some of the triggers that may be pushing teenagers beyond their ability to safely deal with their emotions? Many teens report feeling overwhelmed just trying to cope with school and chores, in addition to friends and family. However, when you consider that when many also hold part time jobs, which leaves very little time for the things they enjoy, we start to see a pattern. Overscheduling is a common thread in the fast moving lives of today’s angry teen. In fact, being overscheduled often leads teenagers to lash out more frequently, inappropriately dumping their anger and excess emotions onto people they think of as safe. It is important to realize that this is not a healthy way to deal with anger; it is unfair to both the teen and the person, or people, being used to release their anger on. So what can be done to help teens find a healthy way to deal with anger? Downsizing their daily schedule is always a good start. In addition, studies show that the same anger management techniques that adults use work equally well with teens. As with any behavior, change takes time to start producing positive results. Consequently, with teens, who are often more reluctant to acknowledge their personal responsibility in any situation, it is important to remember that time, patience, a sense of humor and an air of supportive understanding will make the transition much more pleasant.

For more information about helping teens cope with anger, or other anger management and domestic violence programs, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us today at 1-888-992-6479.

Edward Furlong & Milton Bradley Demonstrate The Need For Anger Management

Edward Furlong & Milton Bradley Demonstrate the Need for Anger Management

Anger is one of the most misunderstood and overused of human emotions. Anger is not a planned action – it’s a reaction to an inner emotion. Anger is energy. It serves a purpose by giving people the drive and determination to cope with the often difficult situations we find ourselves in. Anger helps discharge tension. If handled well, anger can help resolve conflict and improve relationships with others. Anger is an easy emotion to show; everyone gets angry.

However, what everyone doesn’t do is explode with public displays of person-directed anger in their relationships, custody disputes, or sporting events. While anger is a normal human emotion, the displays of verbal aggression and anger recently demonstrated by Furlong represents unhealthy anger, which destroys interpersonal relationships as well as the reputation of the perpetrator.

There are six situations in which anger is unacceptable in a civil society:

1). When it is too intense.

2). When it occurs too frequently.

3). When it lasts too long.

4). When it leads to person-directed aggression or violence.

5). When it destroys interpersonal relationships.

6). When it has health implications.

For help dealing with unhealthy levels of anger or rage, please visit our website or call us for a free  consultation.

North Valley Anger Management Consultants

www.nvamc.com

1-888-992-6479

Anger: A Normal Human Emotion

Per George Anderson, LCSW, anger is a normal human emotion. Consequently, our anger is one of the  first indications that we have sustained an emotional injury that causes us to feel, hurt, offended, attacked, frightened or sad. This is not an uncommon response to more vulnerable feelings. In fact, anger even has a positive side to it. Some examples of the positive uses of anger include Martin Luther King and his struggles to end discrimination in America, Nelson Mandela (www.nelsonmandela.org) whose struggle against South Africa mobilized most of the world against his adversaries, and Rosa Parks whose anger was the source of the Montgomery Bus Boycott. Another example of a positive outcome in sighted by anger is that of Mahatma Gandhi, whose anger and resulting passive resistance stance against England occurred in direct response to Britain’s domination of India.

However, anger also has very negative connotations, and is often associated with unhealthy and abusive aspects of the human condition. Anger maybe considered a problem when it is too intense, occurs too frequently, is harmful to self or others, lasts too long or leads to aggression. Unfortunately, as the economy continues to struggle and the cost of living remains astronomical, there has been an increase in unhealthy anger and aggression worldwide. This increase is visible across all sectors of our society including government, politics, professional sports, business, education, and medicine.

Therefore, emotional intelligence may no longer be effectively managed at the individual or family level, but may require voluntary and mandated training in stress management, anger management, communication and impulse control.

For more information about managing stressful emotions, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479.

Are Anger & Abuse Pre-requisest for Love?

One of the most powerful concepts to implement in any relationship is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. So the question truly becomes how you define unconditional love, and what are you willing to do to mend the hurt and pain you are currently feeling without passing blame onto the other person. Each person must communicate their love in a calm, clear, and direct, fashion in order to demonstrate respect to their partner. Our emotions have an amazing ability to unite people; however, left unchecked, they possess the same propensity to divide us.

Daniel Goldman(http://www.mbni.med.umich.edu/mbni/faculty/goldman/goldman.html) defines EMPATHY, which is a significant factor involved in unconditional love, in three ways. The first is cognitive empathy, meaning that we can understand how the other person thinks; we see his or her point of view. He states "this makes for good debaters, sales people and negotiators. On the other hand, people who have strengths in cognitive empathy alone can lack compassion – “they get how you see it, but don't care about you". The second is emotional empathy, which refers to someone who feels within herself the emotions of the person he or she is with. Goldman states "this creates a sense of rapport, and most probably entails the brain's mirror neuron system, which activates our own which in turn circuits the emotions, movements and intentions we see in the other person". This type of empathy creates opportunities of compassion and love. Consequently, this is where the third type of empathy, empathic concern, comes into play. Empathic concern "means we not only understand how a person sees and feels in the moment, but also prompts us want to help them if we sense the need". This unlocks the door to true empathy and unconditional love.

As you read this article, can you think of an experience where someone demonstrated Unconditional Love? What area of empathy do you most find yourself demonstrating (cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, or empathic concern)? Do you believe you have to hurt or be hurt to receive love?

If you are in a relationship in which you are hurting the ones you love physically, emotionally, or mentally we can help. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com today. Help is just a phone call away!

For additional resources, including assistance with a safety plan, please call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-787-3224 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ today.

Overcoming Anger Addiction

Anger is an emotion we are all very familiar with. Despite being a universal emotion of the human condition, anger is generally viewed in a negative way and most people love to hate it. However, anger, over time, can become an addictive rollercoaster trapping you in toxic thoughts, patterns and behaviors. In short, people can become addicted to anger, or rather the emotional response know as anger.

So what causes people to become additcted to anger? Well, anger triggers the primal, subconscious, part of your brain designed for survival and fight or flight responses. When it is triggered, waves of chemicals ,such as dopamine and adrenaline, flood your system giving you a quick false sense of feeling good. Your body then subconsciously begins to settle into this comfortable and familiar routine of getting angry to protect itself and gain that quick feel good.

So just what can we do about all this? There are many things we can do to solve this problem. The first and most important thing we can do is learn to recognize just when we are about to go into this state of toxic, feel good anger, and respond to it with ways to move away from this course of thought. Remember that by design your subconscious is not capable of rational thinking, rather it relies on messages and beliefs that were absorbed during  formative childhood years. This means that it is up to you to consciously recognize this, and decide to change it.

 Another thing we can do is to form other patterns of behavior that give us a feel good response, without being harmful to our mental and physical well being.This is called building resiliency through the creation postive personal habits. The important thing to remember is that no one is powerless over their emotions, and we all have the capacity for positive growth and change; we just have to learn to accept it. Truly knowing yourself is scary, and can be difficult, but with dedication and patience anyone can do it.   

For information, or a free consultation, please call us at 1-888-992-6479, or visit our website at www.nvamc.com.

The Price of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence (DV) is more than anger. It is more than abuse. It is not about gaining pleasure from inflicting pain. What it is about is the power and control of one person over another brought about through a combination of intimidation, physical, mental, and emotional cruelty. What domestic violence is is a living nightmare for the victims trapped within it's clutches. It is in every city, on every block. It is unbias and nondiscriminatory. It effects rich and poor alike and has no regard for social or political status, and its effects are long term and hereditary.

 Witnessing domestic violence is in and of itself a form of child abuse and neglect. Unfortunately, the trickle down effect of  DV does not end there. Domestic violence is often discussed clinically, in terms referring to the physical, psychological, behavioral, and societal cost,yet it is the human cost that needs to be profiled. The physical effect of domestic violence alone, such as damage to a child's growing brain, can cause developmental and learning impairment including cognitive delays and behavioral difficulties. However, the physical effects of exposure to abuse is only the tip of the iceberg.

As the children from a home with domestic violence grow up, they are predisposed to become abusers themselves. The recurring cycle of violence often begins on the school yard, with the child bullying other children, and ultimately ends with the child becoming an adult who perpetrates domestic violence themselves.

According to the United States goverment, an estimated 905,000 children were victims of exposure to domestic violence, a form of child abuse, both physical and emotinal, and neglect in 2006 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2008). While physical injuries may or may not be immediately visible, abuse and neglect not only can but will have consequences for the children and families that experience this abuse that will last the course of the victims lifetime, and often for generations to come.

For these families, living in fear and pain is all they know. The emotional and physical cost of domestic violence to children and families is unconscionable. Stopping the cycle of violence is the only way to end the multi-generational pattern of abuse being passed down from parent to child ad infinium amen.

IF YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PLEASE CALL YOUR LOCAL SHELTER, YMCA, OR LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY IMMEDIATELY. THESE AGENCIES MAY BE REACHED BY DIALING 211, 411, OR 911.

If you are a batterer/perpetrator and have been court ordered to seek help in stopping the abuse, or are self referred, please call 818-606-7531 for more information, or visit our website at www.nvamc.com.

For more information about the effect of abuse on children, stopping the cycle of domestic violence,  resources to help a victim recovering from domestic violence abuse, please visit the following websites:


http://www.cpedv.org/

cadv.org/children.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYWxfxMOUO4