Domestic Violence Survival: You Can Do It!

Surviving Domestic Violence Domestic violence and domestic abuse are serious issues that affect both men and women. They often go hand in hand, but just because you are not being physically attacked, doesn’t mean you aren’t being abused. It is important to know the signs and recognize when they are present in your life. Some of these signs include… Jealousy over who you talk to. Embarrassing or putting you down in front of others. Finding faults, and correcting things you said or did after a social event. Making you feel worthless / useless / devalued Threatening you or your loved ones / pets. Wants to be involved with and control everything you do. Checks in often and regularly to see what you are doing, where you are, and who is with you. Always wants you to do things with their friends and family. Is not interested in spending time with your friends, family, or activities, and objects to you being involved. Keeps money from you and doesn't put you on credit card accounts, checking and/or savings accounts. Slams things, throws things, or breaks things when upset. Punishes you, by abusing your children, or pets. Makes all the decisions in your relationship. Doesn't let you further your education, or work. Requires you to work excessively while all the money goes to them. Blames you for their mistakes. Denies, or controls your access to medicine, medical care, or medical devices. Pushes, slaps, restrains, kicks, punches, or in any other way physically hurts you. Threatens to turn you into immigration for deportation. Expects/demands sex, sexual acts you aren't comfortable with, or sexually assaults you. Regardless of how long the relationship has been going on, the sooner you get out the better. The longer you stay, the harder / more dangerous it becomes to get out. The abusive partner will be more invested as time passes, and more determined to keep you from getting away. Verbal Abuse Verbal Abuse is often used before the physical abuse starts or in conjunction with it. The abusive partner uses this to tear you down and make you easier to control / manipulate. The more they can get you to feel worthless, the more power they ultimately have over you. Do these examples sound like they would come from someone speaking out of love? “Everything you say is stupid, nobody wants to hear it, you should just keep your mouth shut.” “If you had done it right, then I wouldn’t have to be mad at you.” “Why are you dressing like that, you look like a whore, do you want other people to think that’s what you are?” “You can’t do anything right, you’re lucky I put up with you, nobody else ever will.” Don’t let this bring you down, recognize this for exactly what it is, abuse. Someone trying to make you doubt yourself. Remember that you have value and worth, and that you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Breaking Free Now that you know the signs and if you have decided to move on, here are a few things to help with the process. SAFETY IS NUMBER ONE!!!!!! Your Safety and the safety of your children are number one and not negotiable. Make a safety plan, know when the best time to leave will be Have somewhere you can go that will be safe, while you put your life back together Learn their triggers and how to avoid them, if you have children make sure they will be safe as well Leave any nonessential belongings. You can buy a new wardrobe, you can’t buy another life Don’t Respond with violence, unless you have to defend your life. It will immediately escalate things. Let them know where you are going Leave them anyway to find you. Pick up a pre-paid cell phone. If your car has a tracking device, disable it. Think of anything else that can be used to find you, and remove it from your life. These are only a few of the things you can do when leaving an abusive or dangerous relationship. It’s a long hard road, but you don’t have to be a victim. You can take control of your life and make sure you are safe. No one deserves to abused or live in fear for themselves and their children or loved ones. For additional information, resources, or help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TDD at 1-800-787-3224, or visit their website at www.thehotline.org.

NFL Imposes Domestic Violence Penalties With Lifetime Ban For Second Offense Coming under increased pressure, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a memo to all 32 of the league’s owners informing them of severe penalties that can now be imposed for matters of domestic violence. A six-game suspension for a first offense would be levied and a lifetime ban for a second offense would affect players in the NFL. Recently Goodell came under fire for only giving Ray Rice a two-game suspension for assaulting his girlfriend while Cleveland Browns receiver Josh Gordon has been suspended an entire season after failing a second drug test, reportedly for marijuana. In making the change, Goodell appears to be addressing not only that, but sending a message to all other sports leagues about the need to increase penalties for domestic violence. Goodell said that the league had fallen short of its goals in reference to the Ray Rice suspension. “I didn’t get it right” Goodell writes in the memo. “Simply put, we have to do better. And we will.” Goodell said that he had reviewed the Personal Conduct Policy of the NFL and decided that changes needed to be made, and outlined them in several steps meant to correct the issue of domestic violence. “These steps are based on a clear, simple principle: domestic violence and sexual assault are wrong,” Goodell wrote. “They are illegal” adding that “they have no place in the NFL.” The policy does not only impact players, but non-players, as well. Goodell noted that the league will continue to work with leading experts to expand the scope of education on domestic violence and sexual assault for all NFL personnel — players and non-players. On top of that, Player Engagement Directors, Human Resource Executives and other appropriate team personnel at each club in the NFL will undergo comprehensive training to help them understand and identify risk factors associated with domestic violence and sexual assault. For those that are at risk, Goodell has directed the clubs to offer private, confidential assistance. Goodell said that the league would expand its efforts to promote awareness at all levels of football that the NFL has connections to including high school and college levels. He also added that he would seek potential participation of current and former players, coaches and families who have been affected and are willing to speak out about domestic violence. The NFL Players Association was notified of the policy change, but as the matter is considered under personal conduct, Goodell was able to make the change unilaterally. Still, the union for the players made it clear that given the severity, they would be closely engaged. “We were informed today of the NFL’s decision to increase penalties on domestic violence offenders under the Personal Conduct Policy for all NFL employees,” the NFLPA said in a statement. “As we do in all disciplinary matters, if we believe that players’ due process rights are infringed upon during the course of discipline, we will assert and defend our members’ rights.” Below is the text of Commissioner Goodell’s memo: Since becoming Commissioner, my focus has been on ensuring that the NFL is held in the highest regard by our fans, players, business partners, and public authorities. My commitment has always been to do what is right and to protect the integrity of the game, both now and long into the future. Recently, we have addressed issues of respect — respect for co-workers, opponents, fans, game officials, and others. Whether in the context of workplace conduct, advancing policies of diversity and inclusion, or promoting professionalism in all we do, our mission has been to create and sustain model workplaces filled with people of character. Although the NFL is celebrated for what happens on the field, we must be equally vigilant in what we do off the field. At times, however, and despite our best efforts, we fall short of our goals. We clearly did so in response to a recent incident of domestic violence. We allowed our standards to fall below where they should be and lost an important opportunity to emphasize our strong stance on a critical issue and the effective programs we have in place. My disciplinary decision led the public to question our sincerity, our commitment, and whether we understood the toll that domestic violence inflicts on so many families. I take responsibility both for the decision and for ensuring that our actions in the future properly reflect our values. I didn’t get it right. Simply put, we have to do better. And we will. The public response reinforced my belief that the NFL is held to a higher standard, and properly so. Much of the criticism stemmed from a fundamental recognition that the NFL is a leader, that we do stand for important values, and that we can project those values in ways that have a positive impact beyond professional football. We embrace this role and the responsibility that comes with it. We will listen openly, engage our critics constructively, and seek continuous improvement in everything we do. We will use this opportunity to create a positive outcome by promoting policies of respect for women both within and outside of the workplace. We will work with nationally recognized experts to ensure that the NFL has a model policy on domestic violence and sexual assault. We will invest time and resources in training, programs and services that will become part of our culture. And we will increase the sanctions imposed on NFL personnel who violate our policies. In the past few weeks, I have reviewed all aspects of our Personal Conduct Policy and met with a wide range of experts (several of whom we have been working with for some time), as well as with the NFLPA and many of you. Those discussions will continue. They have helped us to identify a number of steps that will better communicate our position and strengthen our policies on domestic violence and sexual assault. These steps are based on a clear, simple principle: domestic violence and sexual assault are wrong. They are illegal. They have no place in the NFL and are unacceptable in any way, under any circumstances. That has been and remains our policy. Many of you have done excellent work in this field, both personally and through the efforts of concerned players and your community relations and player engagement departments. Our goals are to prevent violence, impose appropriate discipline, provide professional support resources when appropriate, and publicly embrace a leadership role on this issue. Consistent with that view, I have directed the following actions to reinforce and enhance our policies: First, we will continue our work with leading experts to expand the scope of our education on domestic violence and sexual assault for all NFL personnel — players and non-players. This will include enhanced training for entering players through the Rookie Symposium and Rookie Success Program, as well as new programs designed for veteran players and other NFL personnel. All NFL personnel — players and non-players — will receive information about available league resources and local support and advocacy groups in their community. Second, our club Player Engagement Directors, Human Resource Executives, and other appropriate team personnel will undergo comprehensive training to help them understand and identify risk factors associated with domestic violence and sexual assault. Any person identified as being at risk will be afforded private, confidential assistance. Persons who decline this assistance will be held accountable for that decision in determining discipline for any subsequent act of domestic violence or sexual assault. This is a complicated matter and must be approached with care. We will work with experts to identify strategies based on the most reliable research, recognizing that violence can and does take different forms but generally involves a pattern of coercive behavior. Third, we will ensure that the NFL LifeLine and NFL Total Wellness Program are staffed with personnel trained to provide prompt and confidential assistance to anyone at risk of domestic violence or sexual assault – whether as a victim or potential aggressor. Information regarding these resources will be furnished to all NFL personnel and their families. Our Player Engagement Directors and Human Resource Executives will meet with team spouses and significant others to ensure that they are aware of the resources available to them as NFL family members, including the ability to seek confidential assistance through independent local resources, as well as through the club or the NFL Total Wellness Program. In this respect, we will utilize our existing, established telephone and on-line programs, and will communicate the full range of available services to all NFL personnel and their families. Fourth, the outside groups we met with have emphasized that the NFL can play an important role in communities throughout the nation. Consistent with that advice, we will expand the educational components in our college, high school and youth football programs that address domestic violence and sexual assault. We will seek to create and promote programs that develop the character of the young men who play, coach or manage our game, emphasizing respect for women and appropriate ways to resolve conflicts. Outreach efforts embodied in these programs will help young people recognize, establish and maintain healthy relationships. In our earliest contact with young men, we can communicate our expectations, establish NFL standards of conduct, and stress the responsibility that all men have to adhere to those standards. Fifth, we recognize that domestic violence and sexual assault are broad social issues, affecting millions of people. We want our public role to be both constructive and effective. In the coming months, we will explore meaningful ways to incorporate domestic violence and sexual assault awareness and prevention into our public service work. We will do this with the assistance of responsible outside organizations and the potential participation of current and former players, coaches and families who have been affected and are willing to speak out. Actions we take in this respect will be sensitive, thoughtful and will recognize the positive role models and high character presented by so many men in the NFL. Finally, and consistent with our Personal Conduct Policy, our own response to domestic violence or sexual assault incidents by NFL personnel will include new elements of evaluation, treatment and family support, as well as enhanced discipline. We will address these issues fairly and thoughtfully, respecting the rights of all involved and giving proper deference to law enforcement and the courts. If someone is charged with domestic violence or sexual assault, there will be a mandatory evaluation and, where professionally indicated, counseling or other specialized services. Effective immediately, violations of the Personal Conduct Policy regarding assault, battery, domestic violence or sexual assault that involve physical force will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense, with consideration given to mitigating factors, as well as a longer suspension when circumstances warrant. Among the circumstances that would merit a more severe penalty would be a prior incident before joining the NFL, or violence involving a weapon, choking, repeated striking, or when the act is committed against a pregnant woman or in the presence of a child. A second offense will result in banishment from the NFL; while an individual may petition for reinstatement after one year, there will be no presumption or assurance that the petition will be granted. These disciplinary standards will apply to all NFL personnel. With very few exceptions, NFL personnel conduct themselves in an exemplary way. But even one case of domestic violence or sexual assault is unacceptable. The reality is that domestic violence and sexual assault are often hidden crimes, ones that are under-reported and under-acknowledged. The steps we are taking will reinforce our commitment to address this issue constructively. In addition to focusing on domestic violence and sexual assault, we will continue to maintain strong policies regarding weapons offenses. We are similarly working to strengthen our response to impaired driving. We have sought – unsuccessfully – for several years to obtain the NFLPA’s agreement to more stringent discipline for DUI, including mandatory deactivation for the game immediately following an arrest and a minimum two-game suspension for a first violation of law. We will continue to press our position on this issue in the hope of securing the union’s agreement. There are three steps that each club should take promptly: first, post and distribute the attached “Memorandum to All NFL Personnel” to every player under contract to your club; second, ensure that your head coach reviews the information in that notice with his staff and with all your players; and third, share this letter and the attached Memorandum with all members of your organization, including your team president, General Manager, Human Resources Executive, Security Director, and Player Engagement Director. In the coming weeks, we will contact all clubs on further steps to be taken in support of these initiatives. I am grateful for the thoughtful advice received from so many of you and for the support that I know you will give to this important work. MEMORANDUM TO ALL NFL PERSONNEL Domestic violence and sexual assault are wrong. They are illegal. They are never acceptable and have no place in the NFL under any circumstances. Our Personal Conduct Policy has long made clear that domestic violence and sexual assault are unacceptable. We clearly must do a better job of addressing these incidents in the NFL. And we will. Earlier today, I sent NFL owners a letter that identified specific actions we will take to improve our response to domestic violence and sexual assault. Those actions include the following: • All NFL Personnel will participate in new and enhanced educational programs on domestic violence and sexual assault. We will also increase our outreach to college and youth football programs. • Families will receive detailed information about available services and resources, both through the club and independent of the club. These resources and services will be available to employees and their families on a confidential basis. • Violations of the Personal Conduct Policy regarding assault, battery, domestic violence and sexual assault that involve physical force will be subject to enhanced discipline. A first offense will be subject to a suspension of six weeks without pay. Mitigating circumstances will be considered, and more severe discipline will be imposed if there are aggravating circumstances such as the presence or use of a weapon, choking, repeated striking, or when the act is committed against a pregnant woman or in the presence of a child. A second offense will result in banishment from the league; an offender may petition for reinstatement after one year but there is no assurance that the petition will be granted. These disciplinary consequences apply to all NFL personnel. If you believe that you or someone you know may be at risk of domestic violence or other misconduct, we strongly encourage you to seek assistance through your club’s director of player engagement, human resources department, the NFL LifeLine or an independent local domestic violence resource. Help is available and can prevent potentially tragic incidents. For further information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 today, or visit www.thehotline.org Help is available 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

Roger Goodell

25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic

1. Your partner put you down verbally, in private, or in front of others. 2. Your partner tells you he/she loves you, but their behavior shows otherwise. 3. Your partner doesn't want you to see, or talk, two friends or family. 4. Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids. 5. Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail. 6. Your partner calls you often to see what you're doing. 7. You cry often, or feel depressed, over your relationship. 8. Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if YOU would change. 9. Your partner want you to be dependent upon them. 10. Your partner does things, and then uses them to make you feel obligated. 11. Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words, our devalued. 12. You don't know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive. 13. Your friends/family don't like your partner, or don't think he/she is good for you. 14. You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not to your taste. 15. You always go where your partner wants to like the movies, restaurants, etc. 16. Your partner has made you feel afraid, or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her open [walking on eggshells]. 17. You don't feel you have control of your life anymore. 18. Your self-esteem is lower since you've been with your partner. 19. You think it's up to you to make the relationship work. 20. You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn't understand. 21. Your partner makes you feel unattractive, or stupid. 22. Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous. 23. Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next. 24. Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you. 25. You can't remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight. If you have answered yes to five (5), or more, of these toxic relationship identifiers, you may be in a toxic relationship. Toxicity is a red flag for domestic violence. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com.

Domestic Violence is Aggravated Assault: Only You Can Stop The Cycle of Violence!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS AGGRAVATED ASSAULT!

Don't Live in Fear of Domestic Violence ! If you, or someone you love, is living with domestic violence help is available 24 hours a day. Take the first step and make a phone call; you may be saving a life. For further information, please call the following numbers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Domestic Violence Hotline 800-978-3600 National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) TDD 800-787-3224 Domestic violence is more than just a "family problem"; it is a crime. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) recognizes that domestic violence is a major problem in Los Angeles County and throughout the United States. Each year, more than two million women are victims of domestic violence, and one million children are physically abused. In California, it is a crime for any person to threaten, beat, sexually assault or otherwise harm another person, even if they are married. Battering is not exclusively a crime against women, but they are the majority affected. One of every two families in the United States is involved in domestic violence at some time. Domestic violence is a repetitive pattern in people's lives. Victims or witnesses of domestic violence in childhood are mostly likely to repeat such acts as adults. The current incidence of domestic violence cannot be tolerated. Too many women are beaten. Too many children are abused. Too many homes are battlegrounds. There is a way out! Victims do not need to submit and lead a life of tension between calm and storm. If you are a victim of domestic violence, now is the time to start thinking about protecting yourself. The fact that you are seeking assistance is a very good sign. It means you are seriously considering your situation. Calling the police, telling a friend, or contacting a shelter is the first step. Please don't wait until it is too late. Many studies show that an uninterrupted cycle of violence only worsens over time. Hotlines and shelters are there to be used and counseling is available. It's as close as a phone call and it's free. Let us help you. Stop the violence and stay safe! If you would like further information about domestic violence or other mental health services, please call 1-888-992-6479. Your consultation is free and confidential.