Domestic Violence Survival: You Can Do It!

Surviving Domestic Violence Domestic violence and domestic abuse are serious issues that affect both men and women. They often go hand in hand, but just because you are not being physically attacked, doesn’t mean you aren’t being abused. It is important to know the signs and recognize when they are present in your life. Some of these signs include… Jealousy over who you talk to. Embarrassing or putting you down in front of others. Finding faults, and correcting things you said or did after a social event. Making you feel worthless / useless / devalued Threatening you or your loved ones / pets. Wants to be involved with and control everything you do. Checks in often and regularly to see what you are doing, where you are, and who is with you. Always wants you to do things with their friends and family. Is not interested in spending time with your friends, family, or activities, and objects to you being involved. Keeps money from you and doesn't put you on credit card accounts, checking and/or savings accounts. Slams things, throws things, or breaks things when upset. Punishes you, by abusing your children, or pets. Makes all the decisions in your relationship. Doesn't let you further your education, or work. Requires you to work excessively while all the money goes to them. Blames you for their mistakes. Denies, or controls your access to medicine, medical care, or medical devices. Pushes, slaps, restrains, kicks, punches, or in any other way physically hurts you. Threatens to turn you into immigration for deportation. Expects/demands sex, sexual acts you aren't comfortable with, or sexually assaults you. Regardless of how long the relationship has been going on, the sooner you get out the better. The longer you stay, the harder / more dangerous it becomes to get out. The abusive partner will be more invested as time passes, and more determined to keep you from getting away. Verbal Abuse Verbal Abuse is often used before the physical abuse starts or in conjunction with it. The abusive partner uses this to tear you down and make you easier to control / manipulate. The more they can get you to feel worthless, the more power they ultimately have over you. Do these examples sound like they would come from someone speaking out of love? “Everything you say is stupid, nobody wants to hear it, you should just keep your mouth shut.” “If you had done it right, then I wouldn’t have to be mad at you.” “Why are you dressing like that, you look like a whore, do you want other people to think that’s what you are?” “You can’t do anything right, you’re lucky I put up with you, nobody else ever will.” Don’t let this bring you down, recognize this for exactly what it is, abuse. Someone trying to make you doubt yourself. Remember that you have value and worth, and that you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Breaking Free Now that you know the signs and if you have decided to move on, here are a few things to help with the process. SAFETY IS NUMBER ONE!!!!!! Your Safety and the safety of your children are number one and not negotiable. Make a safety plan, know when the best time to leave will be Have somewhere you can go that will be safe, while you put your life back together Learn their triggers and how to avoid them, if you have children make sure they will be safe as well Leave any nonessential belongings. You can buy a new wardrobe, you can’t buy another life Don’t Respond with violence, unless you have to defend your life. It will immediately escalate things. Let them know where you are going Leave them anyway to find you. Pick up a pre-paid cell phone. If your car has a tracking device, disable it. Think of anything else that can be used to find you, and remove it from your life. These are only a few of the things you can do when leaving an abusive or dangerous relationship. It’s a long hard road, but you don’t have to be a victim. You can take control of your life and make sure you are safe. No one deserves to abused or live in fear for themselves and their children or loved ones. For additional information, resources, or help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TDD at 1-800-787-3224, or visit their website at www.thehotline.org.

Are Anger & Abuse Pre-requisest for Love?

One of the most powerful concepts to implement in any relationship is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. So the question truly becomes how you define unconditional love, and what are you willing to do to mend the hurt and pain you are currently feeling without passing blame onto the other person. Each person must communicate their love in a calm, clear, and direct, fashion in order to demonstrate respect to their partner. Our emotions have an amazing ability to unite people; however, left unchecked, they possess the same propensity to divide us.

Daniel Goldman(http://www.mbni.med.umich.edu/mbni/faculty/goldman/goldman.html) defines EMPATHY, which is a significant factor involved in unconditional love, in three ways. The first is cognitive empathy, meaning that we can understand how the other person thinks; we see his or her point of view. He states "this makes for good debaters, sales people and negotiators. On the other hand, people who have strengths in cognitive empathy alone can lack compassion – “they get how you see it, but don't care about you". The second is emotional empathy, which refers to someone who feels within herself the emotions of the person he or she is with. Goldman states "this creates a sense of rapport, and most probably entails the brain's mirror neuron system, which activates our own which in turn circuits the emotions, movements and intentions we see in the other person". This type of empathy creates opportunities of compassion and love. Consequently, this is where the third type of empathy, empathic concern, comes into play. Empathic concern "means we not only understand how a person sees and feels in the moment, but also prompts us want to help them if we sense the need". This unlocks the door to true empathy and unconditional love.

As you read this article, can you think of an experience where someone demonstrated Unconditional Love? What area of empathy do you most find yourself demonstrating (cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, or empathic concern)? Do you believe you have to hurt or be hurt to receive love?

If you are in a relationship in which you are hurting the ones you love physically, emotionally, or mentally we can help. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com today. Help is just a phone call away!

For additional resources, including assistance with a safety plan, please call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-787-3224 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ today.

Don't Let The Grinch Get You Down: Coping With Holiday Anger!

With the state of the economy, rise in unemployment, and hyperinflation holiday anger is on the rise.
The following five tips have been found useful to help you and your loved ones deal with holiday stress:
1. Watch carefully the amount of alcohol you consume. Many anger management students confess that excessive drinking definitely contributed to family conflict and aggression.
2.Reduce stress by managing your time carefully and not over-scheduling yourself. Take time for yourself.
3. Adjust your expectations of family members. No, Aunt Irene hasn’t changed since last year. Tell yourself that you only have to see her once a year- you can cope with it.
4. Work on forgiveness skills. Let old resentments go. Holding grudges hurts you more than your relatives.
5. Develop better empathy skills. Try to see the world from the viewpoint of irritating family members and you may be shocked at how your anger dissipates.
For more tips on how to deal with angry feelings or the angry behavior of others, call us at 888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com