According to Fox News, Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice publicly apologized to his wife on Monday, 9/8/14, and said she can "do no wrong," just months after he allegedly struck his then-fiancee and was caught on video dragging her from an Atlantic City elevator. It was the first time the running back answered questions about the Feb. 15 incident, which earned him a two-game suspension from the NFL. "What happened that night is something that never should have happened," Rice, 27, said. He called the violent incident his "lowest low" and expressed concern that his 2-year-old daughter with wife Janay Palmer would one day learn about her dad's mistake on Google. "It hurts because I can't go out there and play football, but it hurts more because I have to be a father and explain what happened to my daughter," he said. Rice declined to say what triggered the incident, saying he just wants to move forward with his family. "My actions that night were totally inexcusable," he said. Rice called his wife an "angel" and said he let her, her parents, his teammates and the entire Baltimore community down. He also brought up his mother. "I know that's not who I am as a man," Rice said. "That's not who my mom raised me to be. If anyone knows me they know I was raised by a single parent and that was my mother." He also said that "when the time is right," he and Palmer want to help other couples affected by domestic abuse. Rice called the violent fight a "one-time incident." Although Rice was arrested following the altercation, in which he allegedly struck Palmer and has been accepted into a diversion program concern remains regarding the example and influence set by such high profile public figures to the public and most especially to impressionable youth. Apologies aside, true repentance can only be demonstrated by Rice fulfilling his commitment to his family and to the youth of this great nation who look up to Rice as a role model. I am certain Mr. Rice does not want his daughter to believe hitting women is what angry men do, thus growing up to marry an abuser is simply the lot of women. If you, or someone you love, is in a domestic violence relationship, help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. For further information, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit www.thehotline.org. If you or someone you love is in imminent danger please dial 911 from any telephone immediately. The Associated Press contributed to this report

Lighting The Way For Others

At the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all with physical or mental challenges, assembled at the starting line for the 100 meter dash. When the starting gun sounded they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race till the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple times, and began to cry. The other eight contestants heard the boy cry. The other contestants slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back......every single one of them. One girl with Downs Syndrome bent down and kissed the little boy and said, "this will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood up and cheered for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course. If you pass this on, we may be able to change our hearts as well as someone else's. Remember, "A candle looses nothing by lighting another candle." E. Pasztor.

Why Parents Hit Their Children: Stopping The Cycle of Child Abuse

“The sins of the father shall be visited upon the son” a very powerful and well known biblical

reference, from the book of Ezekiel, regarding the raising of one’s family to be righteous. In fact, when we consider the implications involved in parenting and raising a family, no truer words have ever been spoken, but not for the reasons one might think. Biblically, the inference of sinfulness is generally interpreted as impiety, and is avoided via the father teaching a familial pattern of pious worship.

So how does this infamous quote from scripture apply to the modern family and why is it relevant?  This profound and insightful verse is speaking to the multi-generational system of learned behavior that exists within a family. The question then becomes, how do people learn? Cultural Anthropology suggests the most powerful form of learning is observational. Therefore, we learn what we live, which is to say that which we see every day determines how we behave with one another other.

Consequently, if a parent physically disciplines their children then so too will the children grow to hit their children when they misbehave. It follows then, that should the parent hit their partner in the presence of the child, then the child learns frustration is relieved and arguments are settled through physical force. In short, according to Jon Piper, “the sins of the fathers are punished in the children through becoming the sins of the children,” which is to say, through observation and experience children learn what they live.  

Fortunately, through a combination of increased awareness and psycho-education in the areas of parenting, anger management, stress management and domestic violence programs it is more than possible to stop the multi-generational cycle of child abuse. However, the first step is increasing awareness. For purposes of clarity, please note that in the state of California the only legal form of physical punishment a parent may use to correct a transgression is for the parent to spank their child one time with an open hand upon the child’s posterior. In addition, California further defines child abuse as any form of physical contact that leaves a mark including spanking should the spanking leave any marks upon the child’s posterior. If you, or someone you love, is a victim of child abuse as stated above, intimate partner violence, or other form of emotional or mental abuse including neglect help is available 24-7 by calling 211, 1-800-540-4000, or 911. Remember, only through awareness and advocacy will change occur. Being a child doesn’t have to hurt!

For more information or resources about parenting, anger management, or domestic violence batterers’ information programs please visit www.nvamc.com. For information about child abuse resources or support please visit www.dcfs.lacounty.gov .

References:

www.allsufficentgrace.org

www.dcfs.lacounty.gov

www.healthycity.org

www.kingjamesbibleonline.org

www.nvamc.com

Dumping My Bucket of Emotions Without An Angry Outburst!

For many people anger and disruptive behavior are the result of internalized tension and resentment. In short, anger represents mental and emotional fill points or bucket of emotion, that have hit there limit and literally burst. So what is an emotional “fill point” and how does it affect us? An emotional “fill point” is an imaginary line used to represent how much stress and anger a person can accumulate before these negative emotions start to “spill” out in an angry outburst.

Some people have a low fill line, while others have a high one. Children, on the other hand,  tend to have much lower fill lines than adults, and as such care must be taken when interacting and setting and example for them. When a child reaches their fill line, they tend to let all their negative emotions spill out onto others in un- healthy ways. Disruptive behavior, acting out, anger, irritability, and bullying are the most common unhealthy ways that a child uses to try and relieve stress by playing out emotions that they may not be able to verbally express. This is not only devastating for the child, but also for the unintended victim of the angry lashing out, be it family, a friend, classmates etc. The most important thing to remember is that a child, unlike and adult, does not know their fill line; and as such,  is unable to actively choose to reduce their stress and negative emotions before they spill over onto others. 

When a child’s emotional bucket is full, it is up to the caregivers in their lives to help them learn and begin to use healthy appropriate alternatives to angry out bursts or they disruptive behaviors. Some effective tools to help children cope with tension and stress dump are engaging activities including sports, Boys & Girls Club, summer camp, etc, redirection such as color grounding (have them choose a color in a room, then prompt them to point out how many places they see the color), creating a coping box filled with manipulatives, guided activities, music, slow deep breathing, taking space, etc. Adults, on the other hand, are able to dump their emotional buckets and make healthy choices to reduce their tension and anger without prompting; however, the same principles apply. Appropriate ways for adults to reduce their emotional fill lines include going to the gym, enrolling in Yoga, slow deep breathing, talking with a friend, guided imagery, etc.

Whether a child or an adult, healthy coping may take some practice, but recognizing and appropriately relieving the anger, stress, and tension built up in an emotional bucket will ultimately lead to a happier, calmer life.

For more information about healthy alternatives to managing anger, please visit www.nvamc.com, or call  1-888-992-6479 for a free consultation.

Anger, Disruptive Behavior,Bullying: Stopping Youth Violence

Turn on the television, log on to the internet, drive by a news stand, and the gut wrenching headlines are everywhere. Today’s youth are killing one another in horrific acts of anger based violence. The good news is that children aren't born violent. How a person responds to frustration and anger are both learned behaviors. The question is where and how do people learn to respond in the violent and disruptive patterns plastered all over the media?

The causes of violence/bullying by youth are many and varied and range from impulse control deficits to domestic violence exposure.

However, here are some of the preventable causes negatively influencing our children every day:

Attention seeking – Angry, Violent, or acting out behavior may be the result of wanting others to pay attention to feelings that the child is unable to verbally express. Remember, negative attention is better than no attention.

Electronic Media – Children exposed to everyday violence through movies, television, video games, the Internet, etc. are often so exposed to violence and disruptive behavior that they believe it is normal and how people behave when frustrated or upset and as such engage in violent angry behavior easily and without reservation.

Environmental Influences – Children are influenced by the people they associate with even when the behavior they see is known to be wrong; Therefore, they learn and accept the violent behavior they see from their friends and family as normal then reproduce these behaviors at school and in the community.

Guns & Knives – The easy access to weapons of all kinds increases the likelihood of disturbed children shooting each other in anger.

Home Environment – Children learn what they live. If the parents in the child’s home are violent and abusive to each other and the children, then this is how the children learn to interact in the world.

Lack of Appropriate Role Models – Without positive and appropriate role models, children don’t learn to resolve conflict peacefully.

Learning Differences – Children with learning challenges, whether health related or inherited, is often linked with frustration and lashing out. If your child or a child in your life is struggling at school, talk with the teachers and get help. Special education programs are available to help remove barriers to learning, which reduces the chances of frustrated kids lashing out at school.

Mental Illness – The effect of depression, anxiety, stress, homelessness, instability caused by neglect, substance abuse, etc can all cause youth to act out in frustration and anger.

For further information about appropriate interventions to assist children and families with learning to control impulses combined with developing appropriate responses to anger and frustration, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us today for a free consultation at 1-888-992-6479.

Labeling Your Child’s Disruptive Behavior: Helping or Hurting?

Raising children is never easy at the best of times. Many things can affect a child’s behavior, and as such our children are often the emotional barometer of the family. Therefore, it is important to note that when the level of stress increases in the home so too will our children’s disruptive behaviors. Stress in a child’s life can come from many sources, including the addition of another child, parental job loss, a death in the family, divorce, family relocation, being detained by Child Protective Services, learning differences, language barriers, developmental delays, family dysfunction, exposure to domestic violence, substance abuse, etc. Recognizing that our children demonstrate their feelings through their behavior is a key factor in changing the way we respond to disruptive behavior. 

Often, our children may appear irritable, angry, and defiant, as a maladaptive defense against feeling out of control when stress increases in their lives. For Caregivers, this can be a very difficult time to parent a child, and understanding that labeling a child demonstrating anger or disruptive behavior as “bad” or as their mental health diagnosis, if they have one, is emotionally painful and only compounds the problem. Children are never bad! Behavior, on the other hand, is a choice and helping a child to make good choices is the goal, and will make all the difference in modifying disruptive behavior.

According to Kelly Sanders, MFT, “When children get angry and have tantrums, and it happens over and over, it can be very frustrating for parents to deal with. When the child understands the consequence of their behavior, but continues to get angry and throw tantrums, parents may not be sure of what else to do. Parents slip. Teachers slip. The slip is telling the child that they are “bad” even though the behavior that they are doing may be more the focus of “bad.” I do not think that parents or even teachers slip on purpose and telling the kid that he is “bad,” but we are human and make mistakes, and it happens. Repeating this slip impacts the child’s self-esteem. Over time, these children may see themselves as “bad” because they keep repeating the “bad” behavior, receiving the consequence, and having parents become frustrated, and a negative self-image begins to form. I know that is not what parents want for their kids. They want them to have a good sense of self and know how to make appropriate choices by recognizing what is “bad” behavior and what is “good” behavior.”

The following excerpt is from an article in the “The Parent Support Line”, by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor, who suggests using the following positive parenting intervention techniques to re-shape and modify anger outbursts, tantrums, or other disruptive behaviors children demonstrate when struggling with increased levels of stress:

“Start where your child is and coach them forward.”

James Lehman says: “Start where your child is and coach them forward.” In other words, build on your child’s strengths and keep your expectations reasonable. We also recommend that you not try to tackle everything at once, but pick one or two behaviors you want to change and then move on from there. Remember, your overall goal is to see your child make improvements—it’s not simply to have your child do what you tell them to do.

If you feel completely overwhelmed by your child’s behavior problems, here are 8 tips to help you focus on changing your child's behavior, step by step.

1. Try to Have Reasonable Goals

I think that many times instead of trying to make gradual changes, parents expect that all the inappropriate behavior will stop immediately. The truth is, you might see certain behaviors stop right away, but it doesn't necessarily mean your child will never act out again. It’s not going to be instantaneous, and it will take just as much practice on your part as it does on your child’s part. Change takes time. It’s not just you who needs time practicing new techniques. Your child also needs to practice so he can learn by repetition. The reason you want to ask for reasonable change is because your child cannot make major changes all at once.

2. Coaching Your Child Forward: Know What His Strengths Are

It’s important to have a good idea of what your child is capable of doing. Here’s an example: Some kids have an issue like ADD or ADHD. It’s important to get a really good understanding of what ADHD looks like in your child. Is it hard for him to focus and stay organized? Maybe he daydreams when he’s supposed to be working. Every child is different, and it’s important for you to modify your expectations accordingly. It’s also important for your child to know what his strengths and weaknesses are so he can recognize when he’s getting off track and learn how to get back on. After determining what your child’s strengths and weaknesses are, understand that he will make improvements from that starting point.

I've seen kids who are defiant or op-positional completely throw in the towel because they’re not capable of doing what you’re asking, particularly in relation to school work. That’s why it’s extremely important to find out what your child’s abilities are and begin right there. That’s one of the most important steps in making sure your expectations are reasonable.

3. Keep in Mind That Your Child is Working Toward a Goal

Accept that your child is working toward a goal. In other words, your child is probably not going to be able to stop his inappropriate behavior on a dime. If your teen is in the habit of getting his way by intimidating others in the family with his angry outbursts, understand that this behavior is not going to go away immediately. Work with him on making small steps toward good behavior. You might say, “You need to give me your cell phone for the next two hours until you can behave and talk appropriately.” The key is that during that time, your child is practicing this new skill. You’re not saying, “That’s it—you’ve lost your phone all day.” Many kids struggle with punishments that last too long and end up giving up halfway through. Instead, you want to have short-term goals throughout the day. Work toward short-term accomplishments and successes all day long.

4. Pick One Behavior to Work on at a Time

When I ask parents what they’d like to start working on with their child, many say general things like, “I just want my kid to listen to me,” or “I want my teen to do what I ask him to do when I ask him.” I think it’s very important to pick a specific behavior to start with and a time of day when it should be accomplished. When you’re just beginning to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program, it’s important to put some structure in your child’s schedule or else you’re too likely to get into a power struggle with him each time you ask him to stop what he’s doing and do what you want. Choose a concrete behavior, such as doing homework daily, or being home at curfew, instead of working on your child’s attitude. You might feel concerned because you’re letting other behaviors slide when you focus on just one, but realize that your child is actually learning skills when he changes one behavior at a time—skills that he will be able to use in all situations going forward. Primarily, he is learning how to do what he doesn't feel like doing, and that there will be a consequence if he behaves inappropriately. Make no mistake, a lot is happening when you choose one behavior at a time and work solely on it.

5. Start with Physical Behavior

Many parents ask, “Where do I start?” I always recommend that you begin with physical behavior first. It could be a safety issue, like your child sneaking out of the house at night. Many parents will say that back talk is the biggest thing they’re dealing with. It’s really hard for them to tolerate, and that’s natural. But if your child is not coming home at night, I suggest putting backtalk aside for a bit and focusing on making sure he’s safe and complying with house rules regarding curfew.

Physical behavior can also apply to kids who act out and are destructive or abusive at home. If your child is punching holes in the walls or intimidating his siblings physically, you want to start there. We recommend that you adopt James’ philosophy of, “There’s no excuse for abuse” in your family. Let your kids know there will be stern consequences for their actions and follow through on them.

A lot of parents will avoid tackling these big issues because it’s easier to pick something small than it is to address the big scary things. But if it’s a health or safety concern I don’t think you have any choice—that should always come first.

6. Can’t Decide Which Behavior to Tackle First? Get Some Help

There are some instances where you may be forced to deal with two behaviors at the same time. Let’s say your child talks back to you while you’re trying to help him complete his homework assignment, and you’re not sure which behavior to address first. This is where the Total Transformation Parental Support Line can be really helpful. We can help you determine, based on your child and what his overall behavior is like, what the best issue is to address first. We can tell you what technique to really focus on and which ones to set aside for later—and we’ll help you come up with a practical strategy.

7. If Your Child Doesn't Seem to be Making Enough Progress…

A common stumbling block for parents is when they feel as if their child isn’t making enough progress. But remember, the goal is that your child improves—not that they will listen to you 100% of the time. It’s very different.

Sometimes you can change that by changing your parenting techniques and the house rules. Power struggles between you and your child will usually cause him to dig in and not cooperate. Putting more structure into place is sometimes necessary. You might say, “You have to do your chores Saturday morning if you want to go out Saturday night. Get started at 10:00 a.m.”

At other times, your child might be having real difficulty making improvements. James Lehman says we have to “parent the child we have and not the child we wish we had.” He reminds us that our kids are unique individuals. This brings us back to the importance of determining your child’s capabilities—again, be sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable.

8. Don’t Take It Personally

Many parents also get trapped in wanting their kids to feel a certain way. They want their kids to care about cleaning their room or to care about the effect doing homework will have on their future. The truth is, it’s not your child’s fault;  he’s really not wired to feel that way yet.                                             The important thing is not that your child cares, it’s that he learns how to do things even if he doesn't feel like doing them. This is a huge life skill.

When you’re working to have your child’s behavior change, try to pay attention to what it looks like rather than what your child is saying. James says to ask yourself, “What would I see if I were watching this on television with the sound turned down? What would my child’s behavior look like right now?” I think this is a really good way to visualize what behavior is when you’re having a hard time separating it from what your child says or feels. Just ask yourself, “What is my child doing?”

Let’s say the sound is turned down and you see your teenager fighting with you, then he’s stomping off to clean his room. He may be sullen and have a bad attitude, but he’s also doing what you asked. Work on the behavior first, and the attitude will come. James says, “Don’t feel your way to better behavior; behave your way to better feelings.” And that’s exactly what you want your child to do.

Sometimes in parenting, it really is “two steps forward, one step back.” But remember, even if that’s the case, you are still moving forward. Yes, your child will challenge you. He’ll come back and test you to see if things have really changed; he’ll see if he can get you to go back to the way you used to be, particularly if he was calling all the shots. But stand your ground and eventually his behavior will change. One way to stay encouraged is to remember where your child started and compare it to the progress he’s made. It’s also important to encourage your child when this happens. Keep saying things like, “I know you can make improvements because you have already done it. Keep at this.

For more information regarding the connection between negative labels and children struggling with anger or  disruptive behaviors, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us at 1-888-992-6479. Change is never easy, and doesn't happen overnight, but it begins with you. If you are reading this article, you are taking the first step!

How to Survive The Holidays Anger Free

The Holidays can be challenging for many people, most especially during these difficult economic times. Whether finances or family are giving you the Holiday Blues, following the road map below will definitly help you to successfully negotiate the emotional tidal wave associated with the season without loosing control, exploding in anger, or over indulging.

The key surviving the Holidays without explosive anger is resiliency: Having resilency means developing a set of tools we can use to cope with the various emotional challenges and triggers the Holidays may bring. Resiliency is a learned behavior that anyone may learn and incorporate at any point in their life.

Defining Resilience:

The word "resiliencies" is used to describe clusters of stengths that are mobilized in the

struggle with hardship. The vocabulary of strengths includes seven resiliencies which are as

follows:

Insight -

asking tough questions and giving honest answers.

Independence -

life.

distancing emotionally and physically from the sources of trouble in one's

Relationships -

making fulfilling connections to other people. -

Initiative -

taking charge of problems.

Creativity -

using imagination and expressing oneself in art forms.

Humor -

finding the comic in the tragic.

Morality -

acting on the basis of an informed conscience.

Diagramming the Seven Resiliencies:

The Wolins have represented the resiliencies pictorially on a diagram they call the

resiliency mandala. A symbolic circle that stands for peace and order in the self, the mandala

was identified by Carl Jung as a universal symbol.

 

For more information about coping with anger, or a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com today.

Happy Holidays!

North Valley Anger Management Consultants

The Price of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence (DV) is more than anger. It is more than abuse. It is not about gaining pleasure from inflicting pain. What it is about is the power and control of one person over another brought about through a combination of intimidation, physical, mental, and emotional cruelty. What domestic violence is is a living nightmare for the victims trapped within it's clutches. It is in every city, on every block. It is unbias and nondiscriminatory. It effects rich and poor alike and has no regard for social or political status, and its effects are long term and hereditary.

 Witnessing domestic violence is in and of itself a form of child abuse and neglect. Unfortunately, the trickle down effect of  DV does not end there. Domestic violence is often discussed clinically, in terms referring to the physical, psychological, behavioral, and societal cost,yet it is the human cost that needs to be profiled. The physical effect of domestic violence alone, such as damage to a child's growing brain, can cause developmental and learning impairment including cognitive delays and behavioral difficulties. However, the physical effects of exposure to abuse is only the tip of the iceberg.

As the children from a home with domestic violence grow up, they are predisposed to become abusers themselves. The recurring cycle of violence often begins on the school yard, with the child bullying other children, and ultimately ends with the child becoming an adult who perpetrates domestic violence themselves.

According to the United States goverment, an estimated 905,000 children were victims of exposure to domestic violence, a form of child abuse, both physical and emotinal, and neglect in 2006 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2008). While physical injuries may or may not be immediately visible, abuse and neglect not only can but will have consequences for the children and families that experience this abuse that will last the course of the victims lifetime, and often for generations to come.

For these families, living in fear and pain is all they know. The emotional and physical cost of domestic violence to children and families is unconscionable. Stopping the cycle of violence is the only way to end the multi-generational pattern of abuse being passed down from parent to child ad infinium amen.

IF YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PLEASE CALL YOUR LOCAL SHELTER, YMCA, OR LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY IMMEDIATELY. THESE AGENCIES MAY BE REACHED BY DIALING 211, 411, OR 911.

If you are a batterer/perpetrator and have been court ordered to seek help in stopping the abuse, or are self referred, please call 818-606-7531 for more information, or visit our website at www.nvamc.com.

For more information about the effect of abuse on children, stopping the cycle of domestic violence,  resources to help a victim recovering from domestic violence abuse, please visit the following websites:


http://www.cpedv.org/

cadv.org/children.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYWxfxMOUO4

Anger in Your Relationship: When to Get Help

Anger, left uncontrolled, can be one of the most dangerous and destructive components in a relationship. Often, both hetero and same sex couples struggling with anger problems are unaware of why their relationship continues to deteriorate. Although, a couple struggling with anger may be committed to one another, knowing when it is time to reach out for help can play an important part in beginning to heal the relationship. If your relationship is falling apart, due to anger management issues, the following list of symptoms and behaviors may help you identify when to reach out for help:


1. Feeling controlled or micromanaged by your partner

2. Feeling afraid of your partner at anytime (get help immediately)

3. Unable to express wants, needs, or desires out of fear of partner rejection

4. Fear of physical or verbal attack (get help immediately)                           

5. Unable to communicate without partner getting angry

6. Children being effected by arguing in the home (can't focus in school)

7. Children feeling afraid of parents

8. Children feeling they have to protect either parent

A loved ones anger may be a symptom of a deeper mental health health concern requiring professional assistance, or it maybe a communication concern that anger management classes combined with relational therapy may be able to address. However, the first and most important step is knowing when to reach out and ask for help. If you, or someone you love, are dealing with any these symptoms/behaviors in a relationship, please seek help immediately. Moreover, if you are in a relationship and are feeling afraid of your partner, or your children are afraid of a parent, or fear for a parent, seek help immediately by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. No one has to live with anger between themselves and a loved one, and no one should ever live in fear. Help is available 24 hours a day. For more information, or a for free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at http://www.nvamc.com/.