Seven Tips to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence & Reduce Angry Outbursts

• Master the use of assertive communication: Substitute “I messages” in place of “You messages”, i.e., “I feel angry” as opposed to “You make me so mad.”  Stop blaming your partner.  You are responsible for your feelings. Own them!

• Practice active listening: Quite simply put, stop talking, stop reacting, and listen! Instead, ask yourself, what is my partner really saying? What is the underlying need that is clearly not being met, and most likely the root of the concern? How can I support my partner to meet the need?

• Learn to use empathy to connect emotionally with others: Demonstrate awareness and concern for the needs, wants, and desires of loved ones. Instead of focusing only on yourself, consider how friends and family might be feeling.

• Commit to self-control at all times:  Self regulation! Take ownership of your role in the relationship. Own your own actions, choices, and behaviors. Following any emotional situation, ask yourself what went well, and what can I do differently the next time?

• Practice monitoring your feelings frequently during the day: Check in with yourself. How do I feel? Am I tense? Do I have knots in my stomach? Are my fists clenched? Am I grinding my teeth? Are my shoulders tight? Do I feel hot? If you answer yes to any of the above, take a ten minute time out and do some slow deep breathing, count backwards from ten, or run your hands under cold water while slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.

• Learn to sense the feelings and needs of others: Pay attention to your friends, family, and loved ones. Do they appear upset? Sad? Hurt? Are there needs being met? Life is never one sided. Everyone has needs, and when needs are not met they become resentments that turn to anger that may be expressed inappropriately or drive a wedge between you and your loved one.

• Learn to lead by example: Demonstrate the behaviors, communication style, and way of being in the world you want to see more of from your friends, family, and loved ones. We cannot expect anyone to interact differently than we ourselves are displaying on a daily basis. Become the change you want to see!

How To Communicate Anger In A Healthy Way

Effective communication is a key ingredient in managing anger and stress. However, because people tend to communicate their anger in one of two ways, aggressively or passively, effective communication does not always occur. Despite what you might think, the vast majority of people suppress their anger and wind up carrying it around in the form of resentment. This approach is unhealthy and unproductive. Consequently, in order to communicate anger in a healthy way you need to translate your upsetting thoughts into words and actions that are not offensive to the people around you. In other words, you need to express exactly how you feel, in a way that takes other people’s feelings into consideration.


Keeping in mind that there are four styles of communication, it is important to realize that most of us use different ways of communicating depending on the situation, our mood, and the behavior of the person with whom we are attempting to communicate. The four styles are as follows:

Passive communication: The passive communicator avoids direct eve contact, fails to accurately express his or her feelings, and tends to have low self-esteem. His or her anger is self-directed rather than toward the source of the anger.

Passive-Aggressive communication: The passive aggressive communicator sounds passive but is hostile in his or her manner of speaking. He or she will often use sarcasm and other hostile gesture to get a point across. The listener is left without any indication of what the passive aggressive communicator needs or wants.

Aggressive communication: The aggressive communicator invades the space of the listener and speaks in a threatening manner and may even throw objects, glare, or attempt to intimidate the listener. He or she often attempts to blame the listener for whatever the source of the disagreement may be.

Assertive communication: the assertive communicator speaks in a reasonable tone, establishes eye contact with the listener, uses “I” messages, and clearly states his or her needs, feelings, and requests. He, or she, invites the listener to work towards a mutually satisfactory resolution of the conflict. The assertive communicator consciously influences the listener by his or her own behavior. He or she demonstrates emotional intelligence skills.

In reviewing the four styles of communication, it becomes clear that assertive communication is the most effective manner of communication when attempting to express feelings. The following is an outline of how to effectively communicate anger:

First, state your position using “I” statements, such as “I feel upset when you yell at me my in front of my coworkers.” Remember to be mindful of “you” statements like: “You shouldn’t criticize me in front of co-workers,” or “You make me angry,” and avoid them completely. You are communicating your feelings; therefore, you must take ownership of them by using “I”. When at all possible, substitute any other word for the word “angry” since this word is such a button-pusher. Use words like hurt, upset, confused, or disappointed. By always formatting your opening statement in this way you will prevent an immediate counter-attack that would prevent your message from being heard.

In his book, Anger at Work, Dr. Hendrie Weisinger reveals three secret weapons for effectively communicating anger: Listening, Negotiation, and Praise.

Listening: Once you make your opening statement (I feel upset when…), listen to what the other person has to say in response. When you listen attentively, you validate the other person’s feelings. You can add to this sense of validation by saying, “I can understand why you would feel that way…?” Please keep in mind that sometimes, even when you carefully format your opening statement, the other person may still counter-attack. If this happens, just keep restating your position until the person responds appropriately.

Negotiation: When you’re angry, it’s hard to concede anything to the person you are angry with. You will be more likely to get what you want in the long run if you come to the table prepared to make some kind of concession.

Praise: Praising the person you are angry with may seem like a contradiction, but, if done properly, it will take the edge off your criticism. For example: “I appreciate how quickly you got that letter out, but next time you type a letter, please run it by me before mailing it.” Mixing in a bit of praise, as long as it is sincere, lets the person know you care about him or her.

For further information about communicating anger in a healthy way, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479 today.

Surviving & Thriving With An Angry Teen

Have you ever found yourself wondering why today’s teenagers are so angry? Relatively speaking, most people have a certain degree of near constant anger. This is usually caused by underlying fears, frustrations, and anxiety concerning work or financial issues. Another often significant factor contributing to anger and frustration may be present if we struggle in our relationships with other people. However, if you add the mix of volatile hormone levels, testing your place in society and being stuck in that awkward half child/ half adult stage, it is no wonder that teens end up being known for wicked tempers and out of the blue mood swings. Needless to say, dealing with them is confusing and exhaustive at the best of times, even for other teens. So what are some of the triggers that may be pushing teenagers beyond their ability to safely deal with their emotions? Many teens report feeling overwhelmed just trying to cope with school and chores, in addition to friends and family. However, when you consider that when many also hold part time jobs, which leaves very little time for the things they enjoy, we start to see a pattern. Overscheduling is a common thread in the fast moving lives of today’s angry teen. In fact, being overscheduled often leads teenagers to lash out more frequently, inappropriately dumping their anger and excess emotions onto people they think of as safe. It is important to realize that this is not a healthy way to deal with anger; it is unfair to both the teen and the person, or people, being used to release their anger on. So what can be done to help teens find a healthy way to deal with anger? Downsizing their daily schedule is always a good start. In addition, studies show that the same anger management techniques that adults use work equally well with teens. As with any behavior, change takes time to start producing positive results. Consequently, with teens, who are often more reluctant to acknowledge their personal responsibility in any situation, it is important to remember that time, patience, a sense of humor and an air of supportive understanding will make the transition much more pleasant.

For more information about helping teens cope with anger, or other anger management and domestic violence programs, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us today at 1-888-992-6479.

Four Simple Tips for Managing Anger

Four Simple Tips for Managing Anger

The four, simple, proven secrets to anger management are:

• Self-awareness

• Self-control

• Social -awareness

• Relationship-management

According to industry leaders, these are the four domains of emotional intelligence, and as such is the most successful route to anger management that is currently available. Strategies to master the above principles of living can best be accomplished in individual, or group classes, with curricula designed exclusively for this purpose including 8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life. by Davich, Vic (Google Affiliate Ad).

For assistance managing emotional re-activity  anger, or other aggression related concerns, please visit our website www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1888-992-6479.

North Valley Anger Management Consultants
www.nvamc.com 
DYNAMIC MEDITATION DVD (DVD) (Google Affiliate Ad)
www.thecaamp.com
[CD] Mantra Meditation for Physical Health By Ashley-Farrand, Thomas (Google Affiliate Ad)
www.theccbi.com
Natural Fitness Eco-Smart Yoga Mat (Google Affiliate Ad)
MEDITATION FOR BEGINNERS (DVD) (Google Affiliate Ad)

Anger Management for Parents

Today's parents are dealing with more day to day frustration raising their children than ever before. In the majority of homes, parents are not only working, attempting to provide after school activities via sports programs, scouting, etc, but are also trying to maintain relationships with significant others, family, friends, religious affiliations, etc. Many of these homes are single parent households, which adds even more stress to the equation. Factor in those parents who are also trying to go to school in addition to everything else, in an attempt to improve there ability to earn a livable wage, and the stress multiplies expotentialy. Throw a defiant teen, or angry young one acting out due to divorce or other concerns, into the mix and you have a pressure cooker ready to blow at any moment. So how can mom&dad; diffuse their frustration and cope with the stress of parenting children in the twenty-first century? Are we really talking about anger management for parents? The answer is yes. In fact, anger management techniques are appropriate for everyone, everywhere, in all walks of life and parents are no exception. Mom&dad are people too, and are dealing with even more stress than those without children and as such have even greater need of anger management skills to cope with the demands of modern life. The following anger management techniques are recommended as stress management tools for parents to use to prevent nuclear implosion : 
1) Lean to identify the physical signs of rising anger such as tightening of the stomach, neck, shoulders, clenched fists, gritting of teeth etc.

2) When the above signs are identified, count backwards to refocus your thoughts.

3) Give yourself a time out and walk and disengage from the source of stress while counting backwards.

4) Utilize relaxation techniques such as slow deep breathing, guided imagery, isometric excersises, stretching.

5) Give yourself fifteen minutes of unscheduled time a day just for you.
At North Valley Anger Management Consultants, we understand the unrelenting demands of being a parent in the twent-first century and are available to help. For a additional information, visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us at 1-888-992-6479.