• Master the use of assertive communication: Substitute “I
messages” in place of “You messages”, i.e., “I feel angry” as opposed to “You
make me so mad.” Stop blaming your
partner. You are responsible for your
feelings. Own them!
• Practice active listening: Quite simply put, stop talking, stop reacting, and listen! Instead,
ask yourself, what is my partner really saying? What is the underlying need
that is clearly not being met, and most likely the root of the concern? How can
I support my partner to meet the need?
• Learn to use empathy to connect
emotionally with others: Demonstrate awareness and concern
for the needs, wants, and desires of loved ones. Instead of focusing only on
yourself, consider how friends and family might be feeling.
• Commit to self-control at all
times: Self regulation! Take ownership
of your role in the relationship. Own your own actions, choices, and behaviors.
Following any emotional situation, ask yourself what went well, and what can I
do differently the next time?
• Practice monitoring your feelings
frequently during the day: Check in with yourself. How do I
feel? Am I tense? Do I have knots in my stomach? Are my fists clenched? Am I
grinding my teeth? Are my shoulders tight? Do I feel hot? If you answer yes to
any of the above, take a ten minute time out and do some slow deep breathing,
count backwards from ten, or run your hands under cold water while slowly
breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.
• Learn to sense the feelings and
needs of others: Pay attention to your friends,
family, and loved ones. Do they appear upset? Sad? Hurt? Are there needs being
met? Life is never one sided. Everyone has needs, and when needs are not met
they become resentments that turn to anger that may be expressed inappropriately
or drive a wedge between you and your loved one.
• Learn to lead by example: Demonstrate the behaviors, communication style, and way of being
in the world you want to see more of from your friends, family, and loved ones.
We cannot expect anyone to interact differently than we ourselves are
displaying on a daily basis. Become the change you want to see!
