2014: New Year's Resolutions & Hesitations

With the Holidays behind us, and the New Year on the horizon, you can almost feel the world expelling a massive sigh of relief; all at once. In fact, you can almost hear people saying, “I've made it through another year!” Annual survivors are older, and hopefully a little wiser, with money lost and gained, many having hearts broken and mended, new friends made and opportunities experienced and explored. The world threw all it had at me, and I kept on coming. Rejoice, now is the time of new beginnings. You get to dust off the previous year and start anew. Reflect on who you were and what you did, and envision who you will be and what you have yet to do. Reinvention and renewal await us all within the New Year. However, as exciting as all this can be, the New Year is also a time of great fear and trepidation, regret and indecision. Will I fall into the same patterns that I always have? Am I ready to change? What if I fail? These questions and many others often race through our heads and weigh heavy on our hearts as we prepare for the New Year. For some, these reflections may change the way they view the world and the people in it. It may even seem like they are against you, and you have little to no chance at change and happiness. Remember, the future is a blank slate. It is up to you, to snuff out these nagging thoughts and doubts. To say I will try, because if I don’t I have already failed. The path can be long and uneven, full of loose stones that cause you to stumble. Know that it isn’t if you fall, but rather how you choose to regain your stride when you do. Be firm in your decision, and stay committed to whatever direction you have chosen. Challenges await, but so does victory. Happy New Year from all of us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants! For more information about North valley Anger Management Consultants and our services, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us at 1-888-992-6479.

The Twelve Angry Days of Christmas

The twelve days of Christmas are upon us! As the days grow shorter and the Holiday "to do" list grows longer, emotions often get out of control taking the joy of Christmas with them. Below are twelve tips to support the healthy management of anger, frustration, and other emotions to help keep your family's Christmas experience happy and filled with joy:

On the first day of Christmas: Reduce stress by managing your time carefully and not over-scheduling yourself. Take time for yourself!

On the second day of Christmas:  Adjust your expectations of family members. No, Uncle Bill hasn't changed since last year. Tell yourself that you only have to see her once a year- you can cope with it.

On the third day of Christmas: Limit the amount of time you spend with stressful family members. Remember the "spirit" of the season can be shared just as well with brief quality time.

On the fourth day of Christmas: Work on increasing your forgiveness skills. Let old resentments go. Holding grudges hurts you more than your relatives.

On the fifth day of Christmas: Develop better empathy skills. Try to see the world from the viewpoint of irritating family members and you may be shocked at how your anger dissipates.

On the sixth day of Christmas: Limit the amount of time you spend shopping and going to parties. Too many Holiday rounds only adds necessary expense and stress. Christmas isn't about buying gifts and going to parties. Remember the "spirit" of the season is about sharing love and quality time with family and friends.

On the seventh day of Christmas: Watch carefully the amount of alcohol you consume. Many anger management students confess that excessive drinking definitely contributed to family conflict and aggression.

On the eighth day of Christmas: Celebrating the Holidays doesn't have to be expensive. You can keep Christmas alive and well without going broke. Reconnect with the meaning of Christmas through religious or cultural practices.

On the ninth day of Christmas: When you feel frustrated and your temper starts to rise, try counting to 10 slowly. Time out isn't just for kids! Before saying things you might regret, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10.

On the tenth day of Christmas: When Holiday spirits are flowing and your in the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything by counting to 20 backwards.

On the eleventh day of Christmas: Forgive and forget! Don't allow anger and other negative feelings to get in the way of positive feelings that come with the season. You can do it!

On the twelfth day of Christmas:  Relax, breath and enjoy your family, friends and celebrate the Holiday! If your temper flares, use your relaxation skills. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Tomorrow is Christmas." You can do it!


For more tips on how to deal with angry feelings, Holiday stress, or the angry behavior of others, call us at 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com


Happy Holidays from North Valley Anger Management Consultants!

Anger Management Classes: Sunday Group

Is It Normal To Feel Angry?

Is anger normal? Absolutely! Everyone feels angry. It’s what we do with the feeling of anger that matters. Per George Anderson, LCSW, anger is a normal human emotion. In fact, anger is one of the first indications that a person may feel emotionally injured. It is important to note that anger is a secondary emotion that exists to protect people from feeling the more vulnerable emotions such as hurt, loss, grief, fear, offended, attacked, frightened, lonely or sad. This is not an uncommon response, often initiated by our psyche during times of stress in response to the more sensitive feelings.

Aside from emotional protection, anger can instill motivation and energy that often produce positive outcomes. Some examples of the positive uses of anger were observed during Martin Luther King’s struggles to end discrimination in America, and Nelson Mandela whose struggle against South Africa mobilized most of the world against his adversaries, and Rosa Parks whose anger was the source of the Montgomery Bus Boycott. Another example of a positive outcome as a result of anger is that of Mahatma Gandhi, whose anger and resulting passive resistance stance against England occurred in direct response to Britain’s domination of India.
However, anger also has very negative connotations, and when out of control is often associated with unhealthy and abusive aspects of the human condition. Anger maybe considered a problem when it is too intense, occurs too frequently, is harmful to self or others, lasts too long or leads to aggression. Unfortunately, as the economy continues to struggle and the cost of living remains sky high; incidents of unhealthy anger and aggression have increased ten fold worldwide. This increase is visible across all sectors of our society including government, politics, professional sports, business, education, and medicine.
If you or someone you love is experiencing unhealthy levels of anger or aggression, their emotional intelligence may no longer be effectively managed at the individual or family level, and may require voluntary and mandated training in stress management, anger management, communication and impulse control.

For more information about managing stressful emotions, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479. 

Family Stress & Holiday Cheer: A Survival Guide

We often think the Holiday Season is everyone’s  favorite time of year. The weather is cooling. The leaves are falling; the food is getting richer and more decadent. It’s the time of smiling faces, warm cozy fires, hearts full of joy, and families filled with love and togetherness right?
As pretty a picture as the media would try to sell us, we all know the truth. The Holidays are full of family stress, anger, conflict, and pressure. In fact, some of the following stress filled messages may be running through your mind right now. What will we make for dinner? Who is coming over? What is the budget looking like for presents this year? How do I stop myself from getting angry at the in-laws? Where will my family stay? Is there enough space in our house? Will the kids actually let me sleep today? Do I really want to have to talk to my brother, mother in law, cousin, other family members I don't like ?

With all these stresses and pressures a short temper, anger, and cranky snappy responses are bound to arise. All it takes is the smallest thing to set us off during family gatherings, which often leads to poor coping resulting in overeating and excess alcohol consumption. At times, this may seem like the only way to get through the Holiday Season. Admittedly, safely coping with the Christmas Season in a positive and healthy way is not always easy, but it can be done. Often, it is the little things that help the most. The following is a list of helpful tricks to help you cope:

1. Remember to breathe- the Holidays don’t last forever.

2. This too shall pass! Try to keep in mind that even with all the build up, expectations and disappointment that often come with the season, ultimately they are just days, and you can get through them just like you do every other day that has come, or is yet to come.

3. Be aware of your mood and tone of voice, your body language.

4.  It's not all about you! Other people are stressed too. Don't take other peoples moods and behaviors personally.

 5. Please remember that alcohol only adds to the problem, and can be down right dangerous. Keeping the Holiday cheer in check will help keep the anger and stress in check too.

It helps when you realize that everyone else is just as stressed as you are. You are not alone; just smile, relax and try to enjoy what you can. Remember, you are the only one who can keep yourself safe, sober, and under control. For information and assistance coping with holiday stress, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com  or call us toll free at 1-888-992-6479 today.

Happy Holidays from North Valley Anger Management Consultants 

Thanksgiving Happiness and the Holiday Blues

The Thanksgiving Holiday season kicks off a five week period of time that brings back memories of happiness and accomplishment for millions of people. This special day is filled with family traditions, memories, and expectations that some people find difficult, or impossible, to manage. Frequently, our anticipation and excitement turns into feelings of depression, commonly called the holiday blues. Symptoms can include headaches, insomnia, uneasiness, anxiety, sadness, intestinal problems, and unnecessary conflict with family and friends. Part of what happens during the holiday season, in terms of mood changes and anxiety, may occur because of the stressfulness of holiday events, while other aspects of mood change and anxiety may be rooted in unresolved grief and loss. Irregardless, the challenge comes from coping with these feelings in a safe and positive manner. Unfortunately, many people deal with the uncomfortable and often overwhelming feelings by overdrinking, overeating, and overspending. It may be important to note that these feelings of sadness and depression can reach a clinical level during the holiday season. If you, or someone you love, begin to have thoughts of suicide, homicide, or other high risk or self injurious behaviors, please seek professional help immediately, or call the crisis hotline at (714) NEW-HOPE (714) 639-4673. The hotline is available 24 hours a day, seven (7) days a week. The demands of the season are many and varied: shopping, cooking, travel, houseguests, family reunions, office parties and extra financial burdens are part of the short list as the season unfolds. Our current recessionary economy may still be affecting us, or someone close to us, which further exacerbates stress levels leaving many feeling even more depressed. Keeping our lives in perspective on this special day of sharing and caring, can make a big difference in how well we are able to cope with the extra stress and uncomfortable feelings. The following tips are something for people to consider to help manage the additional stress and anxiety that this special day carries. Remembering that even though it feels uncomfortable, sometimes family, friends, and co-workers may lose sight of the feelings of other people during this busy holiday season. It is not personal! Being considerate and compassionate toward others is a tough balancing act. The following recipe for Holiday Harmony is worth your consideration.     

          

C.A.R.E.S. recipe for Happy Holidays:

1. Communication: Keep it positive with an extra dose of active listening to make people feel like you really care. People feel more at ease when you are genuinely interested in a conversation.

2. Anger Management: Recognize your triggers and walk away from verbal conflicts before they escalate. It’s ok to “put your temper in the crock pot before you lose your top”. It’s ok to ask for a time out when your upset, frustrated, or feeling flustered from negative emotions. It’s ok to cool off and regroup.  

3. Relationship Management: Plan your day and company with positive people. This is a special challenge when large groups come together. Please consider this time as a few hours of compromise when that obnoxious family member or person makes their cameo appearance with other people you care about.

4. Emotional Intelligence: Please consider other peoples thoughts, feelings and opinions before taking a stand or making a comment to someone else. Please remember we have two ears to listen twice as much as we speak. Interrupting a conversation is considered to be inconsiderate or rude behavior. Please remember your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. The words you choose can easily overwhelm another person in a negative way if your tone, body language or lack of consideration are not well measured.

5. Stress Management: Develop an awareness of your negative stressors and consider writing them down if your memory banks are easily overwhelmed. Remember that “failing to plan is planning to fail”. Time and financial management are critical especially during the busy holiday season.

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants! For further information regarding anger management, emotional intelligence, or domestic violence, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com. For further information regarding crisis intervention please call 1-714-NEW HOPE (714-639-4673) or visit www.suicidehotlines.com

Surviving The Holiday Blues (Scrooge-itis)

It happens every year. Shortly after Halloween, the Holiday season begins. It starts with the retail ads, picks up speed in the grocery stores, and often consumes the work place and community, then before you know it the tidal wave of “good cheer” has taken over everyday life. Except, many people don’t feel very cheerful. In fact, at times, many people find themselves simultaneously dreading and resenting the Holidays. Indeed, some may even find themselves identifying with Ebeneezer Scrooge, in that they are inexplicably feeling angry, bitter, sad, resentful, overwhelmed, lonely, and disconnected. However, if you or someone you love believe have identified many, if not all, of the symptoms of “Scrooge-itis” this does not mean you secretly dislike children, nor that you will suddenly become miserly, greedy, or mean. What these symptoms may mean is that you or a loved one may be struggling with unresolved Grief and Loss, Traumatic Grief, Trauma, Abandonment issues, or concerns otherwise deemed “The Holiday Blues.” The good news is you, or your loved one, is not ALONE! Thousands of people feel the exact same way each and every year. The importance of recognizing the signs and symptoms associated with “The Holiday Blues” and seeking professional help is the key to successfully coping with the holiday season. If you, or a loved one, are experiencing several or more of the following symptoms seek immediate assistance from a mental health professional in your area, or call the National Crisis Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255 www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org:

1)      Sadness

2)      Tearfulness

3)      Hopelessness

4)      Isolating

5)      Unexplained loss of Interest in previously enjoyed hobbies or activities

6)      Unexplained loss of appetite

7)      Unexplained increase in appetite

8)      Unexplained anger/irritability

9)      Disrupted Sleep

10)   Inability to focus

11)   Increased use of alcohol  

12)   Suicidal Ideation

13)   Homicidal Ideation

14)   Poor hygiene/lack of desire to bath/brush teeth

15)   Increased absences at work or school

For more information, or referrals, regarding coping with the Holiday Blues help is just a phone call away. Call 211, 1-800-854-7771 or visit www.healthycity.org or www.namila.org/crisis-hotlines-hospitals  For life threatening emergencies or immediate assistance call 911. Remember, you are not alone!

Happy Holidays from All of Us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants!

For more information about our anger, stress, and domestic violence programs call 1-888-992-6479 or visit www.nvamc.com. 

Seven Tips to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence & Reduce Angry Outbursts

• Master the use of assertive communication: Substitute “I messages” in place of “You messages”, i.e., “I feel angry” as opposed to “You make me so mad.”  Stop blaming your partner.  You are responsible for your feelings. Own them!

• Practice active listening: Quite simply put, stop talking, stop reacting, and listen! Instead, ask yourself, what is my partner really saying? What is the underlying need that is clearly not being met, and most likely the root of the concern? How can I support my partner to meet the need?

• Learn to use empathy to connect emotionally with others: Demonstrate awareness and concern for the needs, wants, and desires of loved ones. Instead of focusing only on yourself, consider how friends and family might be feeling.

• Commit to self-control at all times:  Self regulation! Take ownership of your role in the relationship. Own your own actions, choices, and behaviors. Following any emotional situation, ask yourself what went well, and what can I do differently the next time?

• Practice monitoring your feelings frequently during the day: Check in with yourself. How do I feel? Am I tense? Do I have knots in my stomach? Are my fists clenched? Am I grinding my teeth? Are my shoulders tight? Do I feel hot? If you answer yes to any of the above, take a ten minute time out and do some slow deep breathing, count backwards from ten, or run your hands under cold water while slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.

• Learn to sense the feelings and needs of others: Pay attention to your friends, family, and loved ones. Do they appear upset? Sad? Hurt? Are there needs being met? Life is never one sided. Everyone has needs, and when needs are not met they become resentments that turn to anger that may be expressed inappropriately or drive a wedge between you and your loved one.

• Learn to lead by example: Demonstrate the behaviors, communication style, and way of being in the world you want to see more of from your friends, family, and loved ones. We cannot expect anyone to interact differently than we ourselves are displaying on a daily basis. Become the change you want to see!

Why Parents Hit Their Children: Stopping The Cycle of Child Abuse

“The sins of the father shall be visited upon the son” a very powerful and well known biblical

reference, from the book of Ezekiel, regarding the raising of one’s family to be righteous. In fact, when we consider the implications involved in parenting and raising a family, no truer words have ever been spoken, but not for the reasons one might think. Biblically, the inference of sinfulness is generally interpreted as impiety, and is avoided via the father teaching a familial pattern of pious worship.

So how does this infamous quote from scripture apply to the modern family and why is it relevant?  This profound and insightful verse is speaking to the multi-generational system of learned behavior that exists within a family. The question then becomes, how do people learn? Cultural Anthropology suggests the most powerful form of learning is observational. Therefore, we learn what we live, which is to say that which we see every day determines how we behave with one another other.

Consequently, if a parent physically disciplines their children then so too will the children grow to hit their children when they misbehave. It follows then, that should the parent hit their partner in the presence of the child, then the child learns frustration is relieved and arguments are settled through physical force. In short, according to Jon Piper, “the sins of the fathers are punished in the children through becoming the sins of the children,” which is to say, through observation and experience children learn what they live.  

Fortunately, through a combination of increased awareness and psycho-education in the areas of parenting, anger management, stress management and domestic violence programs it is more than possible to stop the multi-generational cycle of child abuse. However, the first step is increasing awareness. For purposes of clarity, please note that in the state of California the only legal form of physical punishment a parent may use to correct a transgression is for the parent to spank their child one time with an open hand upon the child’s posterior. In addition, California further defines child abuse as any form of physical contact that leaves a mark including spanking should the spanking leave any marks upon the child’s posterior. If you, or someone you love, is a victim of child abuse as stated above, intimate partner violence, or other form of emotional or mental abuse including neglect help is available 24-7 by calling 211, 1-800-540-4000, or 911. Remember, only through awareness and advocacy will change occur. Being a child doesn’t have to hurt!

For more information or resources about parenting, anger management, or domestic violence batterers’ information programs please visit www.nvamc.com. For information about child abuse resources or support please visit www.dcfs.lacounty.gov .

References:

www.allsufficentgrace.org

www.dcfs.lacounty.gov

www.healthycity.org

www.kingjamesbibleonline.org

www.nvamc.com

Naughty Kid or Necessary Skill?

It’s Saturday night, and you and your loved one are having dinner in an upscale local restaurant. The steak is cooked to perfection, the salad crisp and well chilled, the conversation pleasant. You take a bite of tender succulent beef, and begin to quietly chew all the while thinking to yourself the night could not be more perfect. Suddenly, at the table next to you, a young child begins to act out. You hear the parents say “no” several times, and then the volume of the outburst begins to increase. It is at this point you realize the child is in the beginning of a full blown tantrum. Your stomach begins to sink, as the parents attempt to calm the child, because the harder they try the louder the child yells. The next thing you know, you hear the sound of skin hitting skin, as the parents begin yelling at the child to “Stop it!” It is at this point you find yourself loosing your appetite and wondering what is wrong with the child, the parents, or both?

 Throughout the ordeal you find yourself vacillating between wondering how the parents could both hit and yell at there child in public, why they would dare to bring an ill behaved child to a restaurant, and why they haven’t taken the child out to the car.  As the child continues to kick, bite, yell, and scream you realize the horrific spectacle playing out next to you is far more than the anger of a petulant child; frustrated and dismayed, you begin accept that date night is well and truly over and that you may have witnessed inappropriate discipline of a minor ( CA law states corporal punishment is only legal when it is involves an open hand on a child’s bottom and does not leave a mark.) 

We've all been there, and witnessing such a display it is never pleasant. The important thing to remember is

the child in this scenario deserves compassion, not scorn. Keep in mind, the inappropriate behavior is not the child’s fault. All behavior is learned through a combination of repetition and reinforcement. The question then becomes, where did they learn to use such extreme and inappropriate behavior to get their needs met, and why was it necessary?   

In replaying the above scenario, what was truly witnessed between the parents and the child?  You observed the child “acting out”, the parents saying “no”, the child not accepting the answer, the parents hitting the child while yelling “stop it”, and the child escalating to full tantrum with kicking, biting, and screaming. When reviewing the incident, it becomes clear the child has learned to “turn up the heat” to get needs met and as such is unable to accept limits due to negative reinforcement of needs only met when escalated. Therefore, the child demonstrates resilience in learning how to get daily needs met. Although unpleasant to experience, the child’s naughty behavior is clearly a necessary survival skill.

However, the parents’ behavior demonstrates a lack stress management, displaced anger, inappropriate corporal discipline, a lack of emotional intelligence, and poor parenting skills. How then could the situation have been handled to generate a positive outcome? The National Parenting Education Network recommends the following steps as a more appropriate response to a child’s defiance, tantrums, angry outbursts, or disruptive behavior when at home or in public:

     1.  State the rule (Ex. in our family we don’t hit each other).

1. 2. Time-out when a child chooses not to follow a rule. (One minute per year of age).
2. 3. Use positive reinforcement when a child follows a rule.
3. 4. Apply consequences in a consistent way (to make it easier use a prompt paired with a count of 3, and then move on with a time out when a child is not following a stated rule). A child eventually will expect to have negative consequences for negative behaviors. As parents, striving to teach good habits and values is a must.
4. 5. Whenever parent can, he/she should celebrate positive behaviors to encourage and support desired changes (very important).
5. 6. Make a plan with your child to celebrate when progress, so the child has something positive to look forward.

F

Dumping My Bucket of Emotions Without An Angry Outburst!

For many people anger and disruptive behavior are the result of internalized tension and resentment. In short, anger represents mental and emotional fill points or bucket of emotion, that have hit there limit and literally burst. So what is an emotional “fill point” and how does it affect us? An emotional “fill point” is an imaginary line used to represent how much stress and anger a person can accumulate before these negative emotions start to “spill” out in an angry outburst.

Some people have a low fill line, while others have a high one. Children, on the other hand,  tend to have much lower fill lines than adults, and as such care must be taken when interacting and setting and example for them. When a child reaches their fill line, they tend to let all their negative emotions spill out onto others in un- healthy ways. Disruptive behavior, acting out, anger, irritability, and bullying are the most common unhealthy ways that a child uses to try and relieve stress by playing out emotions that they may not be able to verbally express. This is not only devastating for the child, but also for the unintended victim of the angry lashing out, be it family, a friend, classmates etc. The most important thing to remember is that a child, unlike and adult, does not know their fill line; and as such,  is unable to actively choose to reduce their stress and negative emotions before they spill over onto others. 

When a child’s emotional bucket is full, it is up to the caregivers in their lives to help them learn and begin to use healthy appropriate alternatives to angry out bursts or they disruptive behaviors. Some effective tools to help children cope with tension and stress dump are engaging activities including sports, Boys & Girls Club, summer camp, etc, redirection such as color grounding (have them choose a color in a room, then prompt them to point out how many places they see the color), creating a coping box filled with manipulatives, guided activities, music, slow deep breathing, taking space, etc. Adults, on the other hand, are able to dump their emotional buckets and make healthy choices to reduce their tension and anger without prompting; however, the same principles apply. Appropriate ways for adults to reduce their emotional fill lines include going to the gym, enrolling in Yoga, slow deep breathing, talking with a friend, guided imagery, etc.

Whether a child or an adult, healthy coping may take some practice, but recognizing and appropriately relieving the anger, stress, and tension built up in an emotional bucket will ultimately lead to a happier, calmer life.

For more information about healthy alternatives to managing anger, please visit www.nvamc.com, or call  1-888-992-6479 for a free consultation.

Anger, Disruptive Behavior,Bullying: Stopping Youth Violence

Turn on the television, log on to the internet, drive by a news stand, and the gut wrenching headlines are everywhere. Today’s youth are killing one another in horrific acts of anger based violence. The good news is that children aren't born violent. How a person responds to frustration and anger are both learned behaviors. The question is where and how do people learn to respond in the violent and disruptive patterns plastered all over the media?

The causes of violence/bullying by youth are many and varied and range from impulse control deficits to domestic violence exposure.

However, here are some of the preventable causes negatively influencing our children every day:

Attention seeking – Angry, Violent, or acting out behavior may be the result of wanting others to pay attention to feelings that the child is unable to verbally express. Remember, negative attention is better than no attention.

Electronic Media – Children exposed to everyday violence through movies, television, video games, the Internet, etc. are often so exposed to violence and disruptive behavior that they believe it is normal and how people behave when frustrated or upset and as such engage in violent angry behavior easily and without reservation.

Environmental Influences – Children are influenced by the people they associate with even when the behavior they see is known to be wrong; Therefore, they learn and accept the violent behavior they see from their friends and family as normal then reproduce these behaviors at school and in the community.

Guns & Knives – The easy access to weapons of all kinds increases the likelihood of disturbed children shooting each other in anger.

Home Environment – Children learn what they live. If the parents in the child’s home are violent and abusive to each other and the children, then this is how the children learn to interact in the world.

Lack of Appropriate Role Models – Without positive and appropriate role models, children don’t learn to resolve conflict peacefully.

Learning Differences – Children with learning challenges, whether health related or inherited, is often linked with frustration and lashing out. If your child or a child in your life is struggling at school, talk with the teachers and get help. Special education programs are available to help remove barriers to learning, which reduces the chances of frustrated kids lashing out at school.

Mental Illness – The effect of depression, anxiety, stress, homelessness, instability caused by neglect, substance abuse, etc can all cause youth to act out in frustration and anger.

For further information about appropriate interventions to assist children and families with learning to control impulses combined with developing appropriate responses to anger and frustration, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us today for a free consultation at 1-888-992-6479.

Labeling Your Child’s Disruptive Behavior: Helping or Hurting?

Raising children is never easy at the best of times. Many things can affect a child’s behavior, and as such our children are often the emotional barometer of the family. Therefore, it is important to note that when the level of stress increases in the home so too will our children’s disruptive behaviors. Stress in a child’s life can come from many sources, including the addition of another child, parental job loss, a death in the family, divorce, family relocation, being detained by Child Protective Services, learning differences, language barriers, developmental delays, family dysfunction, exposure to domestic violence, substance abuse, etc. Recognizing that our children demonstrate their feelings through their behavior is a key factor in changing the way we respond to disruptive behavior. 

Often, our children may appear irritable, angry, and defiant, as a maladaptive defense against feeling out of control when stress increases in their lives. For Caregivers, this can be a very difficult time to parent a child, and understanding that labeling a child demonstrating anger or disruptive behavior as “bad” or as their mental health diagnosis, if they have one, is emotionally painful and only compounds the problem. Children are never bad! Behavior, on the other hand, is a choice and helping a child to make good choices is the goal, and will make all the difference in modifying disruptive behavior.

According to Kelly Sanders, MFT, “When children get angry and have tantrums, and it happens over and over, it can be very frustrating for parents to deal with. When the child understands the consequence of their behavior, but continues to get angry and throw tantrums, parents may not be sure of what else to do. Parents slip. Teachers slip. The slip is telling the child that they are “bad” even though the behavior that they are doing may be more the focus of “bad.” I do not think that parents or even teachers slip on purpose and telling the kid that he is “bad,” but we are human and make mistakes, and it happens. Repeating this slip impacts the child’s self-esteem. Over time, these children may see themselves as “bad” because they keep repeating the “bad” behavior, receiving the consequence, and having parents become frustrated, and a negative self-image begins to form. I know that is not what parents want for their kids. They want them to have a good sense of self and know how to make appropriate choices by recognizing what is “bad” behavior and what is “good” behavior.”

The following excerpt is from an article in the “The Parent Support Line”, by Carole Banks, MSW, Parental Support Line Advisor, who suggests using the following positive parenting intervention techniques to re-shape and modify anger outbursts, tantrums, or other disruptive behaviors children demonstrate when struggling with increased levels of stress:

“Start where your child is and coach them forward.”

James Lehman says: “Start where your child is and coach them forward.” In other words, build on your child’s strengths and keep your expectations reasonable. We also recommend that you not try to tackle everything at once, but pick one or two behaviors you want to change and then move on from there. Remember, your overall goal is to see your child make improvements—it’s not simply to have your child do what you tell them to do.

If you feel completely overwhelmed by your child’s behavior problems, here are 8 tips to help you focus on changing your child's behavior, step by step.

1. Try to Have Reasonable Goals

I think that many times instead of trying to make gradual changes, parents expect that all the inappropriate behavior will stop immediately. The truth is, you might see certain behaviors stop right away, but it doesn't necessarily mean your child will never act out again. It’s not going to be instantaneous, and it will take just as much practice on your part as it does on your child’s part. Change takes time. It’s not just you who needs time practicing new techniques. Your child also needs to practice so he can learn by repetition. The reason you want to ask for reasonable change is because your child cannot make major changes all at once.

2. Coaching Your Child Forward: Know What His Strengths Are

It’s important to have a good idea of what your child is capable of doing. Here’s an example: Some kids have an issue like ADD or ADHD. It’s important to get a really good understanding of what ADHD looks like in your child. Is it hard for him to focus and stay organized? Maybe he daydreams when he’s supposed to be working. Every child is different, and it’s important for you to modify your expectations accordingly. It’s also important for your child to know what his strengths and weaknesses are so he can recognize when he’s getting off track and learn how to get back on. After determining what your child’s strengths and weaknesses are, understand that he will make improvements from that starting point.

I've seen kids who are defiant or op-positional completely throw in the towel because they’re not capable of doing what you’re asking, particularly in relation to school work. That’s why it’s extremely important to find out what your child’s abilities are and begin right there. That’s one of the most important steps in making sure your expectations are reasonable.

3. Keep in Mind That Your Child is Working Toward a Goal

Accept that your child is working toward a goal. In other words, your child is probably not going to be able to stop his inappropriate behavior on a dime. If your teen is in the habit of getting his way by intimidating others in the family with his angry outbursts, understand that this behavior is not going to go away immediately. Work with him on making small steps toward good behavior. You might say, “You need to give me your cell phone for the next two hours until you can behave and talk appropriately.” The key is that during that time, your child is practicing this new skill. You’re not saying, “That’s it—you’ve lost your phone all day.” Many kids struggle with punishments that last too long and end up giving up halfway through. Instead, you want to have short-term goals throughout the day. Work toward short-term accomplishments and successes all day long.

4. Pick One Behavior to Work on at a Time

When I ask parents what they’d like to start working on with their child, many say general things like, “I just want my kid to listen to me,” or “I want my teen to do what I ask him to do when I ask him.” I think it’s very important to pick a specific behavior to start with and a time of day when it should be accomplished. When you’re just beginning to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program, it’s important to put some structure in your child’s schedule or else you’re too likely to get into a power struggle with him each time you ask him to stop what he’s doing and do what you want. Choose a concrete behavior, such as doing homework daily, or being home at curfew, instead of working on your child’s attitude. You might feel concerned because you’re letting other behaviors slide when you focus on just one, but realize that your child is actually learning skills when he changes one behavior at a time—skills that he will be able to use in all situations going forward. Primarily, he is learning how to do what he doesn't feel like doing, and that there will be a consequence if he behaves inappropriately. Make no mistake, a lot is happening when you choose one behavior at a time and work solely on it.

5. Start with Physical Behavior

Many parents ask, “Where do I start?” I always recommend that you begin with physical behavior first. It could be a safety issue, like your child sneaking out of the house at night. Many parents will say that back talk is the biggest thing they’re dealing with. It’s really hard for them to tolerate, and that’s natural. But if your child is not coming home at night, I suggest putting backtalk aside for a bit and focusing on making sure he’s safe and complying with house rules regarding curfew.

Physical behavior can also apply to kids who act out and are destructive or abusive at home. If your child is punching holes in the walls or intimidating his siblings physically, you want to start there. We recommend that you adopt James’ philosophy of, “There’s no excuse for abuse” in your family. Let your kids know there will be stern consequences for their actions and follow through on them.

A lot of parents will avoid tackling these big issues because it’s easier to pick something small than it is to address the big scary things. But if it’s a health or safety concern I don’t think you have any choice—that should always come first.

6. Can’t Decide Which Behavior to Tackle First? Get Some Help

There are some instances where you may be forced to deal with two behaviors at the same time. Let’s say your child talks back to you while you’re trying to help him complete his homework assignment, and you’re not sure which behavior to address first. This is where the Total Transformation Parental Support Line can be really helpful. We can help you determine, based on your child and what his overall behavior is like, what the best issue is to address first. We can tell you what technique to really focus on and which ones to set aside for later—and we’ll help you come up with a practical strategy.

7. If Your Child Doesn't Seem to be Making Enough Progress…

A common stumbling block for parents is when they feel as if their child isn’t making enough progress. But remember, the goal is that your child improves—not that they will listen to you 100% of the time. It’s very different.

Sometimes you can change that by changing your parenting techniques and the house rules. Power struggles between you and your child will usually cause him to dig in and not cooperate. Putting more structure into place is sometimes necessary. You might say, “You have to do your chores Saturday morning if you want to go out Saturday night. Get started at 10:00 a.m.”

At other times, your child might be having real difficulty making improvements. James Lehman says we have to “parent the child we have and not the child we wish we had.” He reminds us that our kids are unique individuals. This brings us back to the importance of determining your child’s capabilities—again, be sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable.

8. Don’t Take It Personally

Many parents also get trapped in wanting their kids to feel a certain way. They want their kids to care about cleaning their room or to care about the effect doing homework will have on their future. The truth is, it’s not your child’s fault;  he’s really not wired to feel that way yet.                                             The important thing is not that your child cares, it’s that he learns how to do things even if he doesn't feel like doing them. This is a huge life skill.

When you’re working to have your child’s behavior change, try to pay attention to what it looks like rather than what your child is saying. James says to ask yourself, “What would I see if I were watching this on television with the sound turned down? What would my child’s behavior look like right now?” I think this is a really good way to visualize what behavior is when you’re having a hard time separating it from what your child says or feels. Just ask yourself, “What is my child doing?”

Let’s say the sound is turned down and you see your teenager fighting with you, then he’s stomping off to clean his room. He may be sullen and have a bad attitude, but he’s also doing what you asked. Work on the behavior first, and the attitude will come. James says, “Don’t feel your way to better behavior; behave your way to better feelings.” And that’s exactly what you want your child to do.

Sometimes in parenting, it really is “two steps forward, one step back.” But remember, even if that’s the case, you are still moving forward. Yes, your child will challenge you. He’ll come back and test you to see if things have really changed; he’ll see if he can get you to go back to the way you used to be, particularly if he was calling all the shots. But stand your ground and eventually his behavior will change. One way to stay encouraged is to remember where your child started and compare it to the progress he’s made. It’s also important to encourage your child when this happens. Keep saying things like, “I know you can make improvements because you have already done it. Keep at this.

For more information regarding the connection between negative labels and children struggling with anger or  disruptive behaviors, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us at 1-888-992-6479. Change is never easy, and doesn't happen overnight, but it begins with you. If you are reading this article, you are taking the first step!

Anger Management: Is It A State of Mind?

According to DBT/CBT theory, each person has several dominate mindsets, which they operate from on any given day. In fact, the state of mind a person responds from is a direct aspect of environmental stimuli. Consequently, of these states of mind, two are furthest apart on the spectrum, yet are the most frequently utilized.  Per Kari Anderson, PhD, LPC, of Finding Balance, these states of being are the Emotional Mind and the Rational Mind. The rational mind is the logical, more reasonable counter part of the two mindsets. Although often seen as cold and computer like, with an unfeeling view of life that is very cut and dry and absolute. In contrast, the emotional mind is all feeling with no logic or reason. This state of mind is often viewed as “the passion center” and is described as impulsive or angry and irrational. However, it is also the source of empathy and compassion. The challenge for those individuals that lean more toward the emotional mind, is to learn to fuse these two operational states into one higher functioning mindset, which per Dr. Anderson, is known as the wise mind. The wise mind uses the best qualities of both of these states to make better decisions, and is able to vastly improve a person’s quality of life when achieved. So what does any of this have to do with anger management? Achieving a more balanced state of mind can make controlling anger and emotional reactivity much easier. Another benefit of the wise mind is having the ability to think before exploding in an angry outburst, which helps increase the use of replacement behaviors when faced with high risk situations or other known triggers. In the end, learning to operate and make choices from the wise mind is an effective tool to help contain and manage anger, emotional outbursts, or other impulsive behaviors while increasing quality of life.

For further information regarding anger management or other anger control concerns, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call 1-888-99anrgy (1-888-992-6479). For additional information regarding states of mind including the emotional, rational, and wise mind please visit the following websites:


www.findingbalance.com

www.mybalancedlifecounseling.com

www.cdc.gov/CDCtv/FindingBalance

anger management classes, North Valley Anger Management Consultants Mission Hills, CA Tips To Manage Anger

anger management classes, North Valley Anger Management Consultants Mission Hills, CA Tips To Manage Anger

Explosive Rage In Teenage Boys At Alarming Rate

Explosive Rage In Teenage Boys At Alarming Rate

In an alarmingly upward trend, teenage boys are increasingly acting out in horrific acts of violent and explosive rage. Per The Guardian, one such tragic event occurred on 24 May 2013, at which time a 15 year old boy allegedly killed his adopted brothers (http://guardianlv.com/2013/05/west-point-utah-15-year-old-boy-allegedly-kills-adopted-brothers-10-and-4/), in a small town, in West Point, Utah.  Similarly, per The LA Times, in January 2013, a 15 year old boy in New Mexico confessed to having killed his mother, father, and three small siblings (http://articl es.latimes.com/2013/jan/21/nation/la-na-nn-albuquerque-griego-shooting-20130121). Regrettably, these are not isolated incidents. In direct response to this growing trend in teen violence, enlightened parents are seeking anger management education classes for their sons. Further, as part of a proactive trend toward emotional intelligence training, anger management classes are replacing punishment for teenage boys whose aggressive anger is alarming both their parents and school personnel. The ongoing negative economic trend has impacted the mood and stress levels of adults, children, and adolescents nationwide. Anger, stress, and aggressive behavior are some of the consequences associated with dramatic changes in socio-economic status. To punish an angry teen often leads to further negative alterations in his or her behavior. In contrast, anger management classes, which are focused on increasing an individual’s emotional intelligence by teaching skills in self-awareness, self-control, social awareness and relationships, are more likely to result in skill enhancement in the pivotal areas mentioned above. In fact, due to the fragile ego of teens, psychotherapy is often viewed as extremely threatening and as such generally produces poorer outcomes. Therefore, emotional intelligence for skill enhancement, in managing anger and stress, delivered in a group setting, is a far more popular intervention with teenage boys and is more likely to produce positive outcomes.

For further information regarding anger management education for teenage boys displaying disruptive, or anti-social behavior, please visit our website at www.nvamc.mobi or call 1-888-992-6479.