25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic

1. Your partner put you down verbally, in private, or in front of others. 2. Your partner tells you he/she loves you, but their behavior shows otherwise. 3. Your partner doesn't want you to see, or talk, two friends or family. 4. Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids. 5. Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail. 6. Your partner calls you often to see what you're doing. 7. You cry often, or feel depressed, over your relationship. 8. Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if YOU would change. 9. Your partner want you to be dependent upon them. 10. Your partner does things, and then uses them to make you feel obligated. 11. Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words, our devalued. 12. You don't know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive. 13. Your friends/family don't like your partner, or don't think he/she is good for you. 14. You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not to your taste. 15. You always go where your partner wants to like the movies, restaurants, etc. 16. Your partner has made you feel afraid, or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her open [walking on eggshells]. 17. You don't feel you have control of your life anymore. 18. Your self-esteem is lower since you've been with your partner. 19. You think it's up to you to make the relationship work. 20. You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn't understand. 21. Your partner makes you feel unattractive, or stupid. 22. Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous. 23. Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next. 24. Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you. 25. You can't remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight. If you have answered yes to five (5), or more, of these toxic relationship identifiers, you may be in a toxic relationship. Toxicity is a red flag for domestic violence. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com.

Domestic Violence is Aggravated Assault: Only You Can Stop The Cycle of Violence!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS AGGRAVATED ASSAULT!

Don't Live in Fear of Domestic Violence ! If you, or someone you love, is living with domestic violence help is available 24 hours a day. Take the first step and make a phone call; you may be saving a life. For further information, please call the following numbers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Domestic Violence Hotline 800-978-3600 National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) TDD 800-787-3224 Domestic violence is more than just a "family problem"; it is a crime. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) recognizes that domestic violence is a major problem in Los Angeles County and throughout the United States. Each year, more than two million women are victims of domestic violence, and one million children are physically abused. In California, it is a crime for any person to threaten, beat, sexually assault or otherwise harm another person, even if they are married. Battering is not exclusively a crime against women, but they are the majority affected. One of every two families in the United States is involved in domestic violence at some time. Domestic violence is a repetitive pattern in people's lives. Victims or witnesses of domestic violence in childhood are mostly likely to repeat such acts as adults. The current incidence of domestic violence cannot be tolerated. Too many women are beaten. Too many children are abused. Too many homes are battlegrounds. There is a way out! Victims do not need to submit and lead a life of tension between calm and storm. If you are a victim of domestic violence, now is the time to start thinking about protecting yourself. The fact that you are seeking assistance is a very good sign. It means you are seriously considering your situation. Calling the police, telling a friend, or contacting a shelter is the first step. Please don't wait until it is too late. Many studies show that an uninterrupted cycle of violence only worsens over time. Hotlines and shelters are there to be used and counseling is available. It's as close as a phone call and it's free. Let us help you. Stop the violence and stay safe! If you would like further information about domestic violence or other mental health services, please call 1-888-992-6479. Your consultation is free and confidential.

Seven Tips to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence & Reduce Angry Outbursts

• Master the use of assertive communication: Substitute “I messages” in place of “You messages”, i.e., “I feel angry” as opposed to “You make me so mad.”  Stop blaming your partner.  You are responsible for your feelings. Own them!

• Practice active listening: Quite simply put, stop talking, stop reacting, and listen! Instead, ask yourself, what is my partner really saying? What is the underlying need that is clearly not being met, and most likely the root of the concern? How can I support my partner to meet the need?

• Learn to use empathy to connect emotionally with others: Demonstrate awareness and concern for the needs, wants, and desires of loved ones. Instead of focusing only on yourself, consider how friends and family might be feeling.

• Commit to self-control at all times:  Self regulation! Take ownership of your role in the relationship. Own your own actions, choices, and behaviors. Following any emotional situation, ask yourself what went well, and what can I do differently the next time?

• Practice monitoring your feelings frequently during the day: Check in with yourself. How do I feel? Am I tense? Do I have knots in my stomach? Are my fists clenched? Am I grinding my teeth? Are my shoulders tight? Do I feel hot? If you answer yes to any of the above, take a ten minute time out and do some slow deep breathing, count backwards from ten, or run your hands under cold water while slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.

• Learn to sense the feelings and needs of others: Pay attention to your friends, family, and loved ones. Do they appear upset? Sad? Hurt? Are there needs being met? Life is never one sided. Everyone has needs, and when needs are not met they become resentments that turn to anger that may be expressed inappropriately or drive a wedge between you and your loved one.

• Learn to lead by example: Demonstrate the behaviors, communication style, and way of being in the world you want to see more of from your friends, family, and loved ones. We cannot expect anyone to interact differently than we ourselves are displaying on a daily basis. Become the change you want to see!

How To Communicate Anger In A Healthy Way

Effective communication is a key ingredient in managing anger and stress. However, because people tend to communicate their anger in one of two ways, aggressively or passively, effective communication does not always occur. Despite what you might think, the vast majority of people suppress their anger and wind up carrying it around in the form of resentment. This approach is unhealthy and unproductive. Consequently, in order to communicate anger in a healthy way you need to translate your upsetting thoughts into words and actions that are not offensive to the people around you. In other words, you need to express exactly how you feel, in a way that takes other people’s feelings into consideration.


Keeping in mind that there are four styles of communication, it is important to realize that most of us use different ways of communicating depending on the situation, our mood, and the behavior of the person with whom we are attempting to communicate. The four styles are as follows:

Passive communication: The passive communicator avoids direct eve contact, fails to accurately express his or her feelings, and tends to have low self-esteem. His or her anger is self-directed rather than toward the source of the anger.

Passive-Aggressive communication: The passive aggressive communicator sounds passive but is hostile in his or her manner of speaking. He or she will often use sarcasm and other hostile gesture to get a point across. The listener is left without any indication of what the passive aggressive communicator needs or wants.

Aggressive communication: The aggressive communicator invades the space of the listener and speaks in a threatening manner and may even throw objects, glare, or attempt to intimidate the listener. He or she often attempts to blame the listener for whatever the source of the disagreement may be.

Assertive communication: the assertive communicator speaks in a reasonable tone, establishes eye contact with the listener, uses “I” messages, and clearly states his or her needs, feelings, and requests. He, or she, invites the listener to work towards a mutually satisfactory resolution of the conflict. The assertive communicator consciously influences the listener by his or her own behavior. He or she demonstrates emotional intelligence skills.

In reviewing the four styles of communication, it becomes clear that assertive communication is the most effective manner of communication when attempting to express feelings. The following is an outline of how to effectively communicate anger:

First, state your position using “I” statements, such as “I feel upset when you yell at me my in front of my coworkers.” Remember to be mindful of “you” statements like: “You shouldn’t criticize me in front of co-workers,” or “You make me angry,” and avoid them completely. You are communicating your feelings; therefore, you must take ownership of them by using “I”. When at all possible, substitute any other word for the word “angry” since this word is such a button-pusher. Use words like hurt, upset, confused, or disappointed. By always formatting your opening statement in this way you will prevent an immediate counter-attack that would prevent your message from being heard.

In his book, Anger at Work, Dr. Hendrie Weisinger reveals three secret weapons for effectively communicating anger: Listening, Negotiation, and Praise.

Listening: Once you make your opening statement (I feel upset when…), listen to what the other person has to say in response. When you listen attentively, you validate the other person’s feelings. You can add to this sense of validation by saying, “I can understand why you would feel that way…?” Please keep in mind that sometimes, even when you carefully format your opening statement, the other person may still counter-attack. If this happens, just keep restating your position until the person responds appropriately.

Negotiation: When you’re angry, it’s hard to concede anything to the person you are angry with. You will be more likely to get what you want in the long run if you come to the table prepared to make some kind of concession.

Praise: Praising the person you are angry with may seem like a contradiction, but, if done properly, it will take the edge off your criticism. For example: “I appreciate how quickly you got that letter out, but next time you type a letter, please run it by me before mailing it.” Mixing in a bit of praise, as long as it is sincere, lets the person know you care about him or her.

For further information about communicating anger in a healthy way, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479 today.

Are Anger & Abuse Pre-requisest for Love?

One of the most powerful concepts to implement in any relationship is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. So the question truly becomes how you define unconditional love, and what are you willing to do to mend the hurt and pain you are currently feeling without passing blame onto the other person. Each person must communicate their love in a calm, clear, and direct, fashion in order to demonstrate respect to their partner. Our emotions have an amazing ability to unite people; however, left unchecked, they possess the same propensity to divide us.

Daniel Goldman(http://www.mbni.med.umich.edu/mbni/faculty/goldman/goldman.html) defines EMPATHY, which is a significant factor involved in unconditional love, in three ways. The first is cognitive empathy, meaning that we can understand how the other person thinks; we see his or her point of view. He states "this makes for good debaters, sales people and negotiators. On the other hand, people who have strengths in cognitive empathy alone can lack compassion – “they get how you see it, but don't care about you". The second is emotional empathy, which refers to someone who feels within herself the emotions of the person he or she is with. Goldman states "this creates a sense of rapport, and most probably entails the brain's mirror neuron system, which activates our own which in turn circuits the emotions, movements and intentions we see in the other person". This type of empathy creates opportunities of compassion and love. Consequently, this is where the third type of empathy, empathic concern, comes into play. Empathic concern "means we not only understand how a person sees and feels in the moment, but also prompts us want to help them if we sense the need". This unlocks the door to true empathy and unconditional love.

As you read this article, can you think of an experience where someone demonstrated Unconditional Love? What area of empathy do you most find yourself demonstrating (cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, or empathic concern)? Do you believe you have to hurt or be hurt to receive love?

If you are in a relationship in which you are hurting the ones you love physically, emotionally, or mentally we can help. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com today. Help is just a phone call away!

For additional resources, including assistance with a safety plan, please call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-787-3224 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ today.

How to Survive The Holidays Anger Free

The Holidays can be challenging for many people, most especially during these difficult economic times. Whether finances or family are giving you the Holiday Blues, following the road map below will definitly help you to successfully negotiate the emotional tidal wave associated with the season without loosing control, exploding in anger, or over indulging.

The key surviving the Holidays without explosive anger is resiliency: Having resilency means developing a set of tools we can use to cope with the various emotional challenges and triggers the Holidays may bring. Resiliency is a learned behavior that anyone may learn and incorporate at any point in their life.

Defining Resilience:

The word "resiliencies" is used to describe clusters of stengths that are mobilized in the

struggle with hardship. The vocabulary of strengths includes seven resiliencies which are as

follows:

Insight -

asking tough questions and giving honest answers.

Independence -

life.

distancing emotionally and physically from the sources of trouble in one's

Relationships -

making fulfilling connections to other people. -

Initiative -

taking charge of problems.

Creativity -

using imagination and expressing oneself in art forms.

Humor -

finding the comic in the tragic.

Morality -

acting on the basis of an informed conscience.

Diagramming the Seven Resiliencies:

The Wolins have represented the resiliencies pictorially on a diagram they call the

resiliency mandala. A symbolic circle that stands for peace and order in the self, the mandala

was identified by Carl Jung as a universal symbol.

 

For more information about coping with anger, or a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com today.

Happy Holidays!

North Valley Anger Management Consultants

Road Rage Experiences?

If you live in any metropolitan or suburban area in the county, with congested freeways I am sure you have had an experience with road rage.
What is that brings about Road Rage?  The emotions of stress, frustration, and anger well up and people do risky, even dangerous things, they would not do otherwise.  Here in the Sacramento Area we have busy congested freeways and surface streets that often create such a storm of emotions (that they may not even be aware of) that behind the wheel they change into a different person just to save a little time.  This is one of the more common ways people act out in anger, a study conducted by the Automobile Association in 1995 found that 90% of drivers had experienced road rage incidents, and 60% of drivers admitted to losing their tempers.  In this study they found:

• Aggressive tailgating (62 percent) was the most common form of “road rage,” followed by headlight flashing (59 percent), obscene gestures (48 percent), deliberately obstructing other vehicles (21 percent) and verbal abuse (16 percent). One percent of drivers claim to have been physically assaulted by other motorists.

What underlies Road Rage or Aggressive driving is pent up stress, frustration, and anger.  Perhaps for one person it was a bad day at work, or for another person an argument with a co-worker.  Our mood and our ability to manage our stress is often at the core of the problem.  For some clients we see this has become a chronic habit because the constant percevied pressures, deadlines, and irritation of their commute.  For many individuals, this is only one of the areas of their life where stress and anger are affecting them.  Often these same clients in our office describe communication problems at work or at home, arguments that seemed to stem from small issues become episodes wherein they lose their cool and say things they later wish they could take back.  I had a client the other day expressing deep frustration at the late night arguments he was having with his wife.  These initial miscommunications seemed to boil into long protracted arguments that continuously left them both tired and exhausted without truly resolving anything.
The good news is that if you or someone you care about is struggling with these issues, something can be done.  Stress and Anger are a part of everyday life, but they can be controlled, managed , and preventive strategies can be used to avoid allowing anger to control your life.  We at North Valley Anger Management Consultants take an evidence-based, skill-building approach to working with clients.  As Certified Anger Management Specialists, we utilize trusted curriculum that is customized to each clients needs based upon a research-based assessment that determines core areas of strength and weakness among domains such as: Stress Management, Empathy, Communication Styles/Skills (like assertion, aggression, and deference), and Emotional Intelligence.  This process yields great results for clients that are ready to make a change in their lives.
If you or someone you love is ready to make a change call us today at 1-888-992-6479 or visit us on the web at www.nvamc.com

How Do You Know It Is Time for Anger Management?

When is it Time for Anger Management?

If you, or someone you care about:

• Have late night arguments with a spouse or partner, and wind up saying very hurtful things, they wish they could take back in the morning
• Seem to be able to contain negative feelings most all of the time, but occasionally lose it and let certain people have it
• Does not respond back when people say things or do things that make me angry, but later think about a lot of great ways they should have responded to them
• Struggle to go to sleep at night because of things that really bothered and upset them during the day
• Find it difficult to forgive people when they have been wronged
  

If you are asking this question, you are among a growing number of proactive people that are seeking preventive help.  In fact, this trend is been steadily increasing over the last few years and now represents over 60-65% of clients seeking Anger Management nationwide.  In our practice in Mission Hills, we see this same trend as more people become aware of what modern, evidence-based Anger Management Programs have to offer them in terms of skills in the areas of Emotional Intelligence, Stress Management, and Practical Communication Tools.
We see people everyday coming into our office from all walks of life because ANGER IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER in society.  It is a basic human emotion that we all have.  The key is not to suppress or ignore it, but to learn skills to manage, contain, and prevent ourselves from acting or speaking inappropriately.  The good news is that these skills of Emotional Intelligence can be learned and developed.  In addition, Emotional Intelligence (commonly called EQ) is more closely correlated with success in relationships and in careers than a person’s Intelligence Quotient (or IQ).  We utilize an evidence-based, skill-building curriculum to accelerate each individual’s EQ learning curve across key domains like interpersonal assertion, empathy, stress management, interpersonal aggression, and interpersonal deference.  Most clients that come to us see great results in 12 to 16 sessions.  For more information, or for a confidential appointment, please call (888) 992-6479 or check us out on the web at www.nvamc.com.