Don't Let The Grinch Get You Down: Coping With Holiday Anger!

With the state of the economy, rise in unemployment, and hyperinflation holiday anger is on the rise.
The following five tips have been found useful to help you and your loved ones deal with holiday stress:
1. Watch carefully the amount of alcohol you consume. Many anger management students confess that excessive drinking definitely contributed to family conflict and aggression.
2.Reduce stress by managing your time carefully and not over-scheduling yourself. Take time for yourself.
3. Adjust your expectations of family members. No, Aunt Irene hasn’t changed since last year. Tell yourself that you only have to see her once a year- you can cope with it.
4. Work on forgiveness skills. Let old resentments go. Holding grudges hurts you more than your relatives.
5. Develop better empathy skills. Try to see the world from the viewpoint of irritating family members and you may be shocked at how your anger dissipates.
For more tips on how to deal with angry feelings or the angry behavior of others, call us at 888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com

Even Moms get Angry!

Why do we hurt the ones that are closest to us?  Why do we say things we regret?  I met with a mom again the other day that struggled with anger towards her children and had late night arguments with her spouse.  It is not uncommon that people tend to express their anger towards those they are closest to the most, that they feel the most comfortable with.
If you are ready to stop this cycle of painful behavior in your relationships with your family we are here to help.  We have a variety different options for you.  Most moms we meet with benefit from one-on-one sessions that focus on Emotional Intelligence, Stress Management, Anger Management, and Communication Skills at home.  There is a solution and our team of professionals is here to help you.

Make a Holiday wish come true for you and the ones you love.To schedule a confidential appointment please call our office at (888) 992-6479 or visit our website at http://www.nvamc.com/

Dr. Phil Show "Angry Moms"

What Do The Holidays & Stress Have in Common?

Interestingly enough, it is anger. Anger, which is a secondary emotion, is a way of protecting oneself from the stress and pain that is often associated with the Holiday Season. So, in interest of good self care, during the Holidays it is even more important to remember to take time each day to take a deep breath, stop, and enjoy the moment.  Read something, talk to a friend, listen to music, something you truly enjoy to re-charge briefly will make a dramatic difference in your day.
The hassles of everyday life these days can cause a lot of stress at work and home, and even more so during the Holiday Season.  Think about stress as a continuum with really low stress equaling boredom, but the healthy amount of stress allows most people to function in a state of optimal cognitive efficiency.  That correct amount of stress provides you with energy & motivation to accomplish a goal or task.  However a high levels stress can trigger ANXIETY or ANGER with the “fight, flight, or freeze” response of neurochemicals.
Stress is in the most basic sense a mismatch between the demands in our lives and the resources we have to handle with those demands.  Our perception of situations and demands we face varies significantly from person to person, so it is important to remember that it is the way we perceive and respond that is important.  Notice I used the word respond not react, in stressful situations especially, pause… think then respond.  As much as possible avoid reacting.
Stress Management is one of the main cornerstones of a solid Emotional Intelligence / Anger Management Program.  That is one of the core domains in our evidence-based, skill-building approach that has been helping individuals, couples, and teens get such great results.  Developing a deeper understanding and practicing the skills of Emotional Intelligence, Enhanced Communication, and Stress Management will help you regain control of yourself and your Anger.  Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is a relatively new field of study but over the last two decades there has been extensive research. 

At North Valley Anger Management Consultants, we have a program that will be customized to meet your individual needs and help you achieve your goals. For a free consultation, call us today at 1-888-992-6479 or 1-818-570-2424 or check us out on the web at http://www.nvamc.com/

Happy Holidays from Everyone at North valley Anger Management Consultants

Holiday Survival Kit

The Holidays can be a difficult time for many people, most especially during these difficult economic times. Below is a road map to successfully negotiate the emotional tidal wave  associated with the season without loosing control, exploding in anger, or over indulging.

THE KEYS TO RESILIENCY are tools we can use to cope with the various emotional challenges and triggers the Holidays may bring.  Resiliency is a learned behavior that anyone may learn and incorporate at any point in their life.

Warm Regrads,
North Valley Anger Management Consultants


Defining Resilience

The word "resiliencies" is used to describe clusters of stengths that are mobilized in the

struggle with hardship. The vocabulary of strengths includes seven resiliencies which are as

follows:

Insight -

asking tough questions and giving honest answers.

Independence -

life.

distancing emotionally and physically from the sources of trouble in one's

Relationships -

making fulfilling connections to other people. -

Initiative -

taking charge of problems.

Creativity -

using imagination and expressing oneself in art forms.

Humor -

finding the comic in the tragic.

Morality -

acting on the basis of an informed conscience.

Diagramming the Seven Resiliencies

The Wolins have represented the resiliencies pictorially on a diagram they call the

resiliency mandala. A symbolic circle that stands for peace and order in the self, the mandala

was identified by Carl Jung as a universal symbol.

 

Youth sports and Anger Management

Have you been to a youth sporting event recently or in the past? Have you ever noticed a temper tantrum being thrown by an adult? This scenario happens more often than we would like to admit. As a former Youth Baseball League Director, Umpire and Coach for a large Los Angeles area program these displays of anger were more frequent than some of the shut-out games our best pitchers could muster.
Unfortunately the children being mentored and raised by these angry people were learning inappropriate behavior that left unchecked would carry on into their adult lives.
As our PONY Baseball Leagues grow so does the need for "Emotional Intelligence". The acronym "PONY" stands for "Protect our Nations Youth". More and more youth leagues from baseball to soccer and other sports require background checks for adults involved in the coaching, umpiring and directing process surrounding our children.
The skills required to maintain a "level headed approach" to youth sports is still missing an important ingredient "Emotional Intelligence" a model for our nations youth.
For more information on this topic please call us at 1-888-99-ANGRY (1-888-992-6479)
Organizational training and individual coaching available.
Brad Klimovitch, CAMF

Why Groups?

www.nvamc.com/classesWhy groups? 

This is an important question. If you haven’t asked the question, you still might want to consider the benefits of what Groups can offer you.  Groups enhance individual therapy, so we encourage all clients to continue seeing their existing individual counselor if they are currently seeing someone.
Groups give you an opportunity to meet others share similar feelings, thoughts, and problems.
Groups help boost your own self-concept through extending help to other group members.
Groups instill hope as you see positive changes in others, you become optimistic about your future.
Groups provide new information, insights, and ideas from the facilitator and from other members.
Groups create a healthy environment for developing effective communication & relationship skills.
Groups foster feelings of trust, belonging and togetherness among members.
Groups deepen your personal insight via safe live feedback provided from other members.
Groups expand your personal knowledge and skills through the safe observation of others.
Groups are cost-effective at North Valley Anger Management Consultants.
                     Call us today at 1-888-99ANGRY

When Is It Time For Anger Management?

"If Anger Management  is seen as a program to increase skills in Self-Awareness, Self-Control, Social Awareness and Relationship Management, any time is the right time for skill enhancement in these areas. Generally, most self-referrals to Anger Management Programs are persons who are highly interested in skill enhancements in these areas. It is worth remembering that anger is a normal human emotion, which is exerienced by everyone from time to time. Here are five specific signals that will tell you when your anger is creating problems for you.

1).When it is too frequent. There are many situations for which becoming angry is justified and natural. But, we often get angry when it is not necessary or useful. It is important to distinguish between the times  when it is alright to be angry and when getting angry isn’t a wise idea.
2).When it is too intense. Anger is something that occurs at different levels of intensity. A small or moderate amount of anger can often work to your advantage. High degrees of anger rarely produce positive results and may damage your own physical health.
3).When it lasts too long. When anger continues over time, you maintain a level of arousal or stress that goes beyond normal limits. When anger does not go away, your body’s systems are prevented from returning to normal levels, which makes it easier to get angry the next time something goes wrong. Sometimes, it becomes impossible to resolve.
4).When it leads to aggression.  Aggressive acts are likely to result in trouble for you. When you feel you have been abused or treated unfairly, you may want to hurt the person who has offended you. Verbal aggression, like calling someone a name, is not helpful and often leads to a cycle of increasing aggression.
 5).When it destroys work or personal relationships. When your anger interferes with doing a good job or makes it hard for people to relate to you, then it becomes a problem.  Anger Management is, by far, the most appropriate response for developing skills to manage all of the situations mentioned above."

Original author: George Anderson, MSW, CAMF

Anger, Emphathy, & Emotional Intelligence

Marcus Aurelius on Empathy

(Excerpt from Marcus Aurelius, The Meditations, Book 11 §18, translation by D. Robertson (c) 2009)

When offended by other people’s actions,

1. Remember the close bond between yourself and the rest of mankind…
2. Think of the characters of those who offend you at the table, in their beds, and so on. In particular, remember the effect their negative way of thinking has on them, and the misplaced confidence it gives them in their actions.
3. If what they’re doing is right, you’ve no reason to complain; and if it’s not right, then it must have been involuntary and unintentional. Because just as “no-one ever deliberately denies the truth,” according to Socrates, so nobody ever intentionally treats another person badly. That’s why these negative people are themselves insulted if anyone accuses them of injustice, ingratitude, meanness, or any other sort of offence against their neighbours -they just don’t realise they’re doing wrong.
4. You yourself, are no different from them, and upset people in various ways. You might avoid making some mistakes, but the thought and inclination is still there, even if cowardice or egotism or some other negative motive has held you back you from copying their mistakes.
5. Remember, you’ve got no guarantee they’re doing the wrong thing anyway, people’s motives aren’t always what they seem. There’s usually a lot to learn before any sure-footed moral judgements can be made about other people’s actions.
6. Tell yourself, when you feel upset and fed up, that human life is transient and only lasts a moment; it won’t be long before we’ll all have been laid to rest.
7. Get rid of this, make a decision to quit thinking of things as insulting, and your anger immediately disappears. How do you get rid of these thoughts? By realising that you’ve not really been harmed by their actions. Moreover, unless genuine harm to your soul is all that worries you, you’ll wind up being guilty of all sorts of offences against other people yourself.
8. Anger and frustration hurt us more than the things we’re annoyed about hurt us.
9. Kindness is an irresistible force, so long as it’s genuine and without any fake smiles or two-facedness. Even the most stubborn bad attitude is nothing, if you just keep being nice to the person concerned. Politely comment on his behaviour when you get the chance and, just when he’s about to have another go at you, gently make him self-conscious by saying “No, my son; we’re not meant for this. I’ll not be hurt; you’re just hurting yourself.” Subtly draw his attention to this general fact; even bees and other animals that live in groups don’t act like he does. Do it without any hint of sarcasm or nit-picking, though; do it with real affection and with your heart free from resentment. Don’t talk to him harshly like a school teacher or try to impress bystanders but, even though other people may be around, talk as if you’re alone together in private.

Keep these nine pieces of advice in mind, like nine gifts from the Muses; and while there’s still life in you, begin at last to be a man. While guarding yourself against being angry with others, though, be just as careful to avoid the opposite extreme, of toadying. One’s just as bad as the other, and both cause problems. With bouts of rage, always remind yourself that losing your temper is no sign of manhood. On the contrary, there’s more strength, as well as more natural humanity, in someone capable of remaining calm and gentle. He proves he’s got strength and nerve and guts, unlike his angry, complaining friend. Anger’s just as much a sign of weakness as bubbling with tears; in both cases we’re giving in to suffering.
Finally, a tenth idea, this time from the very leader of the Muses, Apollo himself. To expect bad men never to do bad things is just madness; it’s asking the impossible. And to let them abuse other people, and expect them to leave you alone, that is arrogance.

Anger Management 101

Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.  ~Lemony Snicket

Anger: a Primitive Defense

     What, exactly, is anger? Does it serve a purpose beyond that of spectator entertainment ? Is it a primary or secondary emotion ? For most people, when they think of anger, what comes to mind is either the stereo typical picture of rode rage or a child throwing a tantrum.  However, to me, when I think of anger, I think of deep seated, gut wrenching pain. Why then, one might ask, is my concept of anger so different from that of other peoples ?
     Anger is a great deceiver, and it's costume du jour is to act out in an outlandish manner that will have it's audience, both public and private, believeing it's own press. However, no matter how Oscar worthy the performance, I cannot help but be aware that it is just that, a performance.  Believe it or not, the display we often witness is a primative defense designed to protect the vulnerable feelings of someone who is unable to express themselves in a manner that would have them acknowledge a deeper, more tender emotion.
    A few years ago, I would have been fooled too. In fact, it was not until I was an undergrad at a local community college, that I began to suspect the true role of anger in peoples lives. One of my favorite professors, a very wise man to be sure, once posited that feelings were neither right nor wrong, they simply were. Over the years, the concept of emotion for emotion' s sake stayed with me, and as I began my graduate work the meaning of his words took shape, and all of a sudden I understood. Anger is bluster, a secondary emotion used to deny the more significant feelings associated with primary emotions such as pain, hurt, vulnerability, etc. What I ultimately have come to believe is that emotions, for many individuals, are scary, and that it is much easier for people to turn to anger than it is for them to allow themselves to feel what is underneth their anger.
     As I have continued to work, I have come to believe more and more that far too many people are afraid of their feelings; and as such, they take refuge is the more primitive act of anger, which is in essence a form of denial. How then, could I possibly help people reconnect with their deeper feelings and inevitably achieve a sense of balance?
     Although time has a rhythm all it's own, the beat that was metered out on my road to great adventure was the creation of North Valley Anger Management Consultants, a community based firm dedicated to assisting people with understanding the role of anger in their lives; and ultimately, to assist them with identifying their feelings underneth the anger and then appropriately express and integrate their emotions.