How To Communicate Anger In A Healthy Way

Effective communication is a key ingredient in managing anger and stress. However, because people tend to communicate their anger in one of two ways, aggressively or passively, effective communication does not always occur. Despite what you might think, the vast majority of people suppress their anger and wind up carrying it around in the form of resentment. This approach is unhealthy and unproductive. Consequently, in order to communicate anger in a healthy way you need to translate your upsetting thoughts into words and actions that are not offensive to the people around you. In other words, you need to express exactly how you feel, in a way that takes other people’s feelings into consideration.


Keeping in mind that there are four styles of communication, it is important to realize that most of us use different ways of communicating depending on the situation, our mood, and the behavior of the person with whom we are attempting to communicate. The four styles are as follows:

Passive communication: The passive communicator avoids direct eve contact, fails to accurately express his or her feelings, and tends to have low self-esteem. His or her anger is self-directed rather than toward the source of the anger.

Passive-Aggressive communication: The passive aggressive communicator sounds passive but is hostile in his or her manner of speaking. He or she will often use sarcasm and other hostile gesture to get a point across. The listener is left without any indication of what the passive aggressive communicator needs or wants.

Aggressive communication: The aggressive communicator invades the space of the listener and speaks in a threatening manner and may even throw objects, glare, or attempt to intimidate the listener. He or she often attempts to blame the listener for whatever the source of the disagreement may be.

Assertive communication: the assertive communicator speaks in a reasonable tone, establishes eye contact with the listener, uses “I” messages, and clearly states his or her needs, feelings, and requests. He, or she, invites the listener to work towards a mutually satisfactory resolution of the conflict. The assertive communicator consciously influences the listener by his or her own behavior. He or she demonstrates emotional intelligence skills.

In reviewing the four styles of communication, it becomes clear that assertive communication is the most effective manner of communication when attempting to express feelings. The following is an outline of how to effectively communicate anger:

First, state your position using “I” statements, such as “I feel upset when you yell at me my in front of my coworkers.” Remember to be mindful of “you” statements like: “You shouldn’t criticize me in front of co-workers,” or “You make me angry,” and avoid them completely. You are communicating your feelings; therefore, you must take ownership of them by using “I”. When at all possible, substitute any other word for the word “angry” since this word is such a button-pusher. Use words like hurt, upset, confused, or disappointed. By always formatting your opening statement in this way you will prevent an immediate counter-attack that would prevent your message from being heard.

In his book, Anger at Work, Dr. Hendrie Weisinger reveals three secret weapons for effectively communicating anger: Listening, Negotiation, and Praise.

Listening: Once you make your opening statement (I feel upset when…), listen to what the other person has to say in response. When you listen attentively, you validate the other person’s feelings. You can add to this sense of validation by saying, “I can understand why you would feel that way…?” Please keep in mind that sometimes, even when you carefully format your opening statement, the other person may still counter-attack. If this happens, just keep restating your position until the person responds appropriately.

Negotiation: When you’re angry, it’s hard to concede anything to the person you are angry with. You will be more likely to get what you want in the long run if you come to the table prepared to make some kind of concession.

Praise: Praising the person you are angry with may seem like a contradiction, but, if done properly, it will take the edge off your criticism. For example: “I appreciate how quickly you got that letter out, but next time you type a letter, please run it by me before mailing it.” Mixing in a bit of praise, as long as it is sincere, lets the person know you care about him or her.

For further information about communicating anger in a healthy way, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479 today.

Surviving & Thriving With An Angry Teen

Have you ever found yourself wondering why today’s teenagers are so angry? Relatively speaking, most people have a certain degree of near constant anger. This is usually caused by underlying fears, frustrations, and anxiety concerning work or financial issues. Another often significant factor contributing to anger and frustration may be present if we struggle in our relationships with other people. However, if you add the mix of volatile hormone levels, testing your place in society and being stuck in that awkward half child/ half adult stage, it is no wonder that teens end up being known for wicked tempers and out of the blue mood swings. Needless to say, dealing with them is confusing and exhaustive at the best of times, even for other teens. So what are some of the triggers that may be pushing teenagers beyond their ability to safely deal with their emotions? Many teens report feeling overwhelmed just trying to cope with school and chores, in addition to friends and family. However, when you consider that when many also hold part time jobs, which leaves very little time for the things they enjoy, we start to see a pattern. Overscheduling is a common thread in the fast moving lives of today’s angry teen. In fact, being overscheduled often leads teenagers to lash out more frequently, inappropriately dumping their anger and excess emotions onto people they think of as safe. It is important to realize that this is not a healthy way to deal with anger; it is unfair to both the teen and the person, or people, being used to release their anger on. So what can be done to help teens find a healthy way to deal with anger? Downsizing their daily schedule is always a good start. In addition, studies show that the same anger management techniques that adults use work equally well with teens. As with any behavior, change takes time to start producing positive results. Consequently, with teens, who are often more reluctant to acknowledge their personal responsibility in any situation, it is important to remember that time, patience, a sense of humor and an air of supportive understanding will make the transition much more pleasant.

For more information about helping teens cope with anger, or other anger management and domestic violence programs, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us today at 1-888-992-6479.